Stuck on the Details…

I have this friend who is having trouble in her marriage. She has decided that her problem is so unique, so special, that no one can help her navigate it and find a path through it to a new and better problem.

Maybe she is right; I am very curious about this approach to life and I wonder if she is onto something I cannot see. I am also curious and wonder what would happen if she broadened her identity a bit. What if, instead of seeing all the exceptions to life that define her - what would happen if she chose to think about her situation more simply?

What if, for example, she chose to think of herself as a wife and mother? What would her core values be? What kind of wife would she want to be? How would she show up in the relationship? How would she want to show up as a mother? What values does she want to stand by and express?

I observe this so often in myself and others - we get very caught up in the details of our story. And it truly is OUR story, the one we tell ourselves and stand by with the loyalty of a brain that has limitations and prefers habitual patterns rather than insights and transformation. We get stuck on the minutia of the story, rather than focusing on our responsibility and the values we care about and how we want to take responsibility for living them in our present day life.

If she, and I, and you, could think like this more often we might be not only more curious, but more eager to ask for outside voices to challenge our brain's stubborn resistance to humility. We might ask for support. We might listen to learn rather than react to opinions that vary from our own certainty. We might end up with better, more interesting problems.

It’s Not Really About the Tennis Lessons…

One of the reasons Pete and I suffered with a mediocre tennis game for so long is that we were not willing to invest in ourselves. There was always something more pressing that called out for our discretionary income. Why would we old people choose to spend $40 on a tennis lesson? I mean, honestly, it is a privilege to even have discretionary income - is it right to spend it on ourselves?

Lately, we have changed the question around: why NOT spend $40 on a tennis lesson?

There is a proverb in the bible that says: He who ignores disciplines despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding (Proverbs 15:32, NIV).

An unwillingness to invest in yourself is a form of self-loathing.

Ask yourself these questions and see where you land: Do I want wisdom - and if so, in what area of my life? What am I willing to change? Who can help me and how do I make contact?

See, it's not about the tennis lessons. It's about hope. It's about belief. It's about faith. We may practice this hope, belief and faith by taking tennis lessons, which seems on its face kind of silly. But what we've discovered is that one little humble step in investing in ourselves pays dividends by expanding our horizons for the possibility of change in other, perhaps more significant areas of our life.

Slow, Steady Improvement

It never occurred to me that tennis lessons could actually improve my game...at my advanced stage of living. I thought I was doing the best I could by willingly taking to the hot courts several times a week and flailing away at the ball. It's not like I was sitting at home in my rocker watching Jeopardy! (Not that this is a problem if others do rock and watch!)

I had grown content to win a game or two off of Pete per set and tamp down my natural inclination to compete for a win. I thought this was me being mature. But it turns out, I was wrong.

What I missed, by a lot, was this amazing concept called tennis fundamentals. After a few weeks of feedback, tips, drills and regular practice - my game has improved. My backhand is solid, my forehand is actually worse, and my serve is more inconsistent. This is progress.

It means, I am told, that I am trying new techniques that will eventually pay dividends. I can already see the truth of this; although my serve is less consistent, when it does land in the right box it has some spin on it and I can even exert some control over placement.

Tennis is no big deal but the capacity for humility - assuming there are answers out there and someone can help me - is huge. I am applying this to other areas of my life too. It turns out, in virtually any area of my life, there is someone else out in this wild world of ours who can coach, mentor and guide me. People like to help!

And I love it. I love it so much. It brings me joy to lean into learning and change.

What areas of your life have you given up on changing? Not so fast? Maybe you, like me, just need a little help from your friends! Who can you reach out to?

Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths.

Psalms 25:4 NIV

We’re Both Right, We May Both Be Wrong.

I appreciate Edith Eger's interpretation of a Jesus teaching that many of us struggle with. Here's her take: "This is what I think Jesus meant when he advised us to 'turn the other cheek.' When you turn the other cheek, you look at the same thing from a new perspective. You can't change the situation, you can't change someone else's mind, but you can look at reality differently. You can accept and integrate multiple points of view. This flexibility is our strength. (p. 108 The Gift)

I'm amazed at all the different perspectives that emerged in response to the coronavirus pandemic. People both opposed and supported mask wearing; people were grateful and dismissive of the vaccine; people praised and punished business closures/accommodations; people appreciated and berated various decisions made by government authorities and institutions.

Turn the other cheek. Look at the various perspectives. Listen to different media outlets and read different opinion pieces and we end up with wildly different conclusions. Eventually, we have to settle into a position. It could be right, wrong, or in-between. Turn the other cheek - look at the information others are receiving. Although it may not be a preferred source, even if we do not agree with it, turning the other cheek allows us to at least understand why we end up with so many different viewpoints.

Turn the other cheek. Do you, make your decisions, stand by them. But we don't have to treat others with disdain who are making different choices. At least appreciate how hard it is to make decisions in the midst of so much confusing and ever-changing data!

The pandemic is an extreme situation; it will be covered in the history books for years to come and our choices will be dissected and discussed. Some of the choices we made as individuals and a country and a world will look absolutely ridiculous as better information and research comes to light. But here is the thing that we can do well - turn the other cheek. Give one another grace. The only thing that will not stand the test of time well is our certainty, disdain, and lack of humility. The rest, I suspect our ancestors will maybe give us a pass on - especially if they continue to encounter baffling and difficult life circumstances themselves.

Committing to Self-Love

“Too many of us are overcommitting to others and under committing to ourselves.”

Erica Layne

Early on in my adult life, I was suspicious about learning how to love myself. I confused self-acceptance with selfishness. Love is not selfish. Selfishness is a survival instinct. Love is a spiritual pilgrimage.

Oftentimes on our quest for spiritual awakening, we come across this idea of the search for our true, best, most Jesus-like self. We hear that our “false self” is inferior, ego-driven and we need to somehow dethrone her before she extinguishes our true self altogether. This is what I heard the gurus saying, I’m not sure that’s the lesson they intended to teach me.

Genetic testing results came back from my health screening and it turns out I have the genetic capacity of a “high performance athlete”. Oh no! Did my false self smother my inner athlete? There is absolutely no evidence that athletics is or ever was my destiny. Did I miss my prime? Has my life been less meaningful without an Olympic medal? Of course, I’m not sure a lot of women were given the opportunity to test out their athletic potential back in my youth, but that issue aside - have my genetics revealed a small piece of my true self but lost self?

This hunt for true versus false self at times sounds awfully woo woo to me. But it isn’t.

True and false self is not a search for some missing link. Lately, I’ve been thinking it is more like this: there are true and false ways of living.

My genetics reveal has helped me adjust my workout habits to fit my genetic strengths. To workout at my optimal potential I need to make room for rest; I have the capacity for both strength and endurance - so I shoot for my potential. But my genetics is not my destiny. My capacity is an outer limit, my actual performance depends on many factors. Things like commitment, training, practice and purpose. My genetics missed something true about me: I love to read and write more than I love to deadlift.

Our search for true versus false self will not be determined by a spiritual genetic reveal. It is revealed in the learning lab of life. My work, should I choose to commit, train, practice, and pursue a spiritual purpose will ultimately reveal itself in the results of living true to my core values. This is not mysterious work but it does require both courage and humility. It requires us to pay attention and be curious about ourselves. We pay attention to what we are willing to commit, train, practice and sacrifice for. Hopefully it aligns with our core values - which we also need to pay attention to and modify as necessary to align with our purpose for living. This is how we love ourselves! We don’t settle for living a life that our genetics or culture or even our suffering dictates. We love ourselves best when we commit to knowing ourselves and knowing God. Then we live in true ways. It turns out, this means we love ourselves and others. This is our true self.