Self-Compassion vs. Your Inner Critic

Daily I remind myself that I have a right to slow down and breathe. I am not a productivity machine. I have permission to simply be.

Krista O’Reilly Davi-Digui

Self-compassion is as good as a daily mutli-vitamin! We are doing the best we can! But we live in a world that keeps demanding MORE MORE MORE. Only you can choose to jump off the high speed train that is headed for a hard stop into a brick wall.

Rest and care are such foreign concepts to some of us, me included, that I needed some examples to even understand the way compassion might look on a daily basis. Here are a couple from real life:

I zoomed with a father who wanted to stop drinking so much. The pandemic revealed that his social drinking had escalated to the point where it was not a problem. He did not realize this when he was having martini lunches with clients, happy hour with co-workers, and returning home for a nightcap with his wife. Once he started working from home his consumption increased. It was hard to NOT notice the bottles piling up in the recyclables. He was home all the time, his wife and kids began complaining about his moodiness. Hung over in the morning and sloshed by 7 pm, the family was starting to wish that he would take the risk and go back to the office.

He said this: “I am disgusted with myself; I’m turning into my father. A lush I vowed to never imitate. I hate my life and my life hates me.”

Bummer.

Knowing that nothing good would grow from shame, I suggested we work on compassion before we tackled the drinking. Shocked by my suggestion, he agreed. Eventually, he chose to replace his inner critic with a compassionate inner mentor (an image I totally ripped off from one of my friends). When he would start with his harsh perspective, I’d call a time out and ask for a reframe. Typically, this is where we would land: “I need to stop beating myself up and figure out next steps. Although my drinking is an issue, I acknowledge that and I am getting support to change that. I am not my father AND I want to be a better father to my kids and more loving and present husband to my wife.”

Eureka! Our conversation shifts. We move away from limited discussions about how to give up drinking and pivot. He finds his “WHY” - be more loving. We explore what that looks like. And, yes, it does require him to lay off the sauce. But not because he is like his father, or cannot handle alcohol. His WHY is so that he can BE the guy he wants to become. See the difference? What compassion do you need to show yourself today?