When in Self-Doubt…

“Do not belong so completely to others that you do not belong to yourself.”

John Mason

I am prone to look outside myself for authority figures I can trust because I am full of self-doubt. Others are more self-referencing, guided by an internal compass. My husband is more self-referencing. When he is noodling over a problem, he often researches, prays, and plans in his head for a long time before he mentions the issue. By the time he speaks up, he usually has a plan for solving his problem.

I’m the opposite. I like to talk things out. Part of this is related to my desire to have someone other than me make hard calls and big decisions. My “false self” who lives falsely, tells me that I am bad or stupid. My “true self” who lives truly knows that I am a grown up woman who can make my own decisions without constantly needing others to reassure me that I am not a little girl who drives a red flyer wagon through a plate glass door because she is stupid and an embarrassment to her parents.

I have had to learn to speak up and be clear: I own this problem. I will work it out. I can also recognize that it helps me to hear myself think out loud. Living in true versus false ways is a daily journey of acceptance, self-discovery and course corrections.

Offloading problems can be a lovely thing, but it is not the best strategy for growing up. Authority figures are helpful, but as we grow and mature, we have the awesome responsibility for becoming an authority on the subject matter of living our truest life. This is our work to own. It’s great to have guides and mentors, but this is, as Mary Oliver says, OUR one true and precious life!

How are you increasing your spiritual muscle and leaning into your truest life?

The Connection Between Doing and Feeling

When I do good, I feel good, when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.

Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln is saying that he has a sensitive internal compass. He recognized at some point in his life that his behavior could affect his feelings. Often we are driven to act based on how we feel.

The beauty of a daily examen is that we get to check it all out - our thoughts from the day, our feelings, and our actions. Over time, we begin to make connections.

Early on in my recovery I began to notice that certain foods made me feel better than others. This was a big change from the obsession of believing that eating was for sissies.

I learned that a steady blood sugar allowed me to stand up for sustained periods of time without toppling over. This was no small insight for a person struggling with an eating “ism”.

I discovered the joy of learning to notice hunger without judging it as the enemy.

All this seems so obvious to those who have never struggled with self-starving.

Over the years I have heard so many and varied stories of how we lose touch with our legitimate needs. Sometimes getting back in touch with them, and learning how to address them in a healthy way, is as simple as getting in touch with our thoughts, feelings, and actions while paying attention to how they can interplay with one another.