Deal With It….

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

When we're confronted with powerlessness our bodies intuitively seek something else to be in control of.  We will find a situation or person less powerful than ourselves that we can push lower to keep some (false) sense of internal balance. 

Again- think of the example I keep returning to of fighting over the cleanliness of the house.  I keep bringing this up because this is a common dynamic in my house.  This has actually happened.  

Brittany and I are grieving three lost pregnancies.  She tends to deal with grief (in the short term anyway) through busying herself, and our adoption process and her home business have provided her plenty of opportunities to be busy.  I distract myself with reading and researching whatever my latest interest is.  

Neither of us has done a great job of facing the grief head on.  It hovers beneath the surface of things.  I get periodic reminders each day in the form of a loose thought or feeling that escapes my chamber of denial to bring to the surface the grief I'm trying to suppress.  

This is the exact recipe that creates fights over issues that are not really the issue.  

2021 Scott looks back:

There is no question that deep grief, and other life challenges, pull the rug out from under us. When we’re dealing with something difficult and complicated we are rarely able to access the “best” version of ourselves. And we need to do something about it. The emotional consequences of big life events do not normally just go away with time- we have to find some way to confront them and deal with them. That can look very different from person to person, but I do believe that finding ways to deal with what’s happened to us is important- otherwise some instincts tend to kick in that might not serve us or our loved ones particularly well.

Some things to consider that might help you deal with hard times: reading, writing, journaling, painting, music, and/or other creative projects (creative projects tend to be very healing). Other options include counseling, support groups, opening up to friends, finding a new hobby, taking a break from your normal obligations, and many more.

What are some things that have helped you heal?

Following Your Inner Compass

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

In the aftermath of the January 6, 2021 storming of the Capitol, some amazing stories are emerging worthy of a Lifetime movie special. A young son calls a government agency to warn them that his dad is planning to go to Washington, D.C. for the express purpose of killing people. His father, sensing that his son was not on board with his political perspective or his plans, threatens his kid. He tells him - if you go to the authorities, I will consider you a traitor. And traitors must be killed. The son makes the call anyway. The father is subsequently arrested and faces many serious charges.

What kind of strength did it take for that boy to make that call? Today he lives in hiding, fearful for his life, dependent on the generosity of friends to provide for his needs.

I wonder what his mom thinks. I wonder how his siblings reacted to the news that he had made this call.

Someone asked him why he did it. He said he just knew it was wrong to hurt other people, no matter what you believed about their politics.

Who knows what else will come out about this story. But it seems to me that anyone who would go to such lengths must have some inner compass, deep within them, to go against the grain of his family system.

For those who find themselves in a position of having to take a stand for lovingkindness that costs them relationships, let’s pray:

I ask you, God, to strengthen all of us by your Spirit - not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength - that Christ will live in us as we open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly in love, we’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:15-19 The Message (with some pronoun adjustments)

The Journey

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”

Ursula K. Le Guin

Almost 21 years ago we entered into this crazy adventure of starting a recovery ministry with a team of awesome people. I was ambivalent about upending our routines for this new thing but totally committed to its vision - providing a bridge for folks to travel between recovery and faith. Two decades ago it was harder, I think, to mix one’s recovery with one’s faith experience. Maybe I’m wrong but it feels like to me that this is less an issue today than it was in the 90’s.

As a pilot project it was easy to not get overly focused on goals. This was helpful. Goals can sometimes create needless pressures and even side-track us if our goal setting is unrealistic or off target. We talked about helping “one person” as a worthy goal. That’s about as far as we went. Eventually we had to give up our illusion that the pilot project was short term and would soon allow us to return to our less complicated lives.

Over the years my sense of the journey has changed. I see the bridge less clearly. That early goal was driven by the needs of the day. Today, it feels more like a path we trod through desert and deep forest, up and down hills, “on up the mountain” to quote Jakob Dylan.

There is an intuition I have today that sings a song and gently tugs at my heart. It’s less about the objectives and more about the courage to keep going, even when the way seems dark and uncertain. I look back over 21 years and recognize the naivete in daring to think that we had much understanding of the implications of starting a new thing. My life, our lives as a family and community, is better served by not getting too caught up in focusing on the end of the journey. The naive woman who dared to think she knew what the future would hold has been wrong on so many fronts that my crystal ball has been confiscated.

I like goals. They are helpful, especially for the small stuff. But goals are not as helpful as a full on commitment to the journey. As it relates to the big stuff? I think that’s often the ego chattering away in an effort to distract us from the reality of how difficult the journey was, is and will be as we keep walking, one step at a time.

It’s awesome to have a sense of how we can be a part of something bigger than ourselves. But it is wisdom that guides us to hold lightly to our convictions about the destination and take our responsibility for how we travel very seriously.

How is your journey going? Are your intentions tugging at you? Is the kind of person you want to be applying the brakes gently on your desires to succeed, excel, and influence the world around you? It is always a good use of time to self-reflect and notice where we are giving ourselves permission to behave in ways that do not really fit our desire to be a better human.

Transformation is Un-intuitive

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From yesterday:  Success, from the standpoint of faith, means learning to accept this new version of the self that God is trying to offer.  We learn to prioritize grace, mercy, forgiveness, love, gentleness, patience, and so on, because there is no more worthy calling than to point, in small, humble ways, to the new, hopeful reality God brings to the world. Click here if you need to get caught up.

Can I back up for a moment?

Let me just say "accepting" this new version of ourselves, the version God is trying to give us, is not an easy or simple task.  We do not pray a prayer of submission and find ourselves overwhelmingly filled with meaning and purpose nor do we find our desires instantly transformed.  (Well, to be fair, some people say they've experienced this.  I do not find that experience to be particularly common, so I'll try to speak to those who have not been instantly transformed.  If you were instantly transformed, you probably aren't reading this anyway.)

Our culture has (wrongly) taught us that anything intuitive is authentic.  Intuitive can mean a few things in this context.  It can mean something either "feels good" or "comes naturally" to us.  I have heard any number of people express bewilderment at why, after their baptism, they felt exactly the same as they did before.  If being welcomed into God's people is an authentic act, why am I not instantly transformed? 

The answer is as simple as the question is confounding:  Transformation isn't intuitive.  And, that does not mean our efforts to live into our humanity are not authentic.  We learn to accept the new version of ourselves God is trying to give us.  Some of the work happens mysteriously through his spirit, and some of the work happens through the process of being in community with others who are trying to discern what it means to follow God with their lives.