A Good Friend

A good, true and loving friend is a person who can deal with your humanity. Each of us express our humanity in different ways; our expression of humanity appeals to some more than others. This does not make either party 'bad', nor 'better' if they happen to prefer one brand of human over another. Affinity is a necessary element of choosing one's friends - and it is our right to choose and I would suggest - our responsibility to do so wisely.

Overlook an offense and bond a friendship; fasten on to a slight and - good-bye, friend!

Proverbs 17:9 The Message

Over the course of a lifetime, we test this out and the level of intimacy is adjusted between parties accordingly. These kind of adjustments can be handled better by understanding boundaries. Human foibles are normal and the better we are at dealing with them, the more likely we are to enjoy relationships.

This is NOT the same thing as putting up with behavior that is uncomfortable or disrespectful, undignified or hints at a relationship built on conditional regard. It is true, sometimes in certain ways we are all a bit 'too sensitive' but it is also true that sometimes people are not sensitive enough when it comes to managing a friendship. It cuts both ways.

This is where good conflict resolution skills are needed. It helps if we can learn how to have tough conversations about how we are feeling about an issue while maintaining mutual respect, dignity for all and unconditional positive regard. These three skills alone can go a long way in creating an environment where even the messiest of relationships can be managed.

My grandson is learning that his friend's preference to play with others on a particular day is not personal. How my grandson handles the situation may indeed impact whether or not future play dates are possible. It would be awesome if everyone had the skill sets to state boundaries clearly without making others guess. I believe this is too much to ask of a four year old - but what about us?

As you reflect on your own friendships, is there a conversation that might be necessary? A kindness that needs extending? A boundary that needs to be drawn more clearly? In all things - respect, dignity and unconditional positive regard. Those are the keys if we want to be fully human and decent beings.

Day 28: Carrying the Message of Lovingkindness

I have the grand privilege of visiting a local treatment facility in our community on a regular basis. I love that place! I have missed my visits while practicing social distancing. One of the reasons I enjoy my visits is because of the hospitality. I am always greeted warmly and with great enthusiasm. Sometimes I pop down there just for a cup of kindness. In a world that is sometimes harsh and unwelcoming, it’s nice to have a place to go where people treat you like you’re special.

According to scripture, this kind of lovingkindness should be the hallmark of all our relationships. I remember a time when we used to hang out in public that I ran into my local gas station for my daily cup of coffee. I was standing patiently in line, waiting to buy my java and chat with my friends behind the counter. A lady came in and rammed me and several other patrons out of the way. She was rude, and she knew it. This is not the first time I’ve experienced this, nor will it be the last. But the thing that really got to me was that she didn’t even care! She knew she was pushing her way past three previously patiently waiting customers, but by gosh, she felt she was entitled! She treated my buddies behind the counter like they were her personal servants! She was demanding, and with all her snazzy clothes and sporty car—quite frankly, it made her look very unattractive. I’d say it added a good ten pounds of entitlement.

The contrast between her belligerent behavior and the warm kindness of the guys in my favorite rehab facility was startling. This lady (from all appearances) had a lot of stuff those guys don’t have right now: she had wheels, she had money, and she had really great clothes. But what my friends in treatment have far outweighs all that stuff; they have gratitude. They are grateful to have a warm place to stay while they heal. This gratitude just spills out of most of them and onto anyone who comes through the door. I have spent the better part of my day marveling at how differently we can perceive our worlds. Depending on our viewpoint, life can be marvelous with little or miserable with much.

“So, my dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.”

James 1:16-18 The Message

One indicator that we’re awake spiritually is when we’re grateful for the privilege of carrying the message of lovingkindness with us wherever we go, no matter the circumstances surrounding us. And it certainly doesn’t hurt to treat the essential workers among us with courtesy as we travel.

A Thimble-Full Goes a Long Way

I wonder if sometimes the only thing standing between me and a complete nervous breakdown is a lack of time to schedule it. Usually when I find myself acting freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional, I realize that I’ve outrun my coverage. You know what I mean? All the tools, resources, spiritual disciplines and structures that support my sanity, spirituality and recovery get depleted and suddenly I feel naked and alone, left to my own devices. This is never a good look.

Brokenheartedness is under-rated. As much as we all want to avoid it like those extra pounds that gather on our bodies after holiday feasting, brokenheartedness serves a purpose. It reminds us of what we need and allows us to loosen our grip on all the things we clutch onto as half measures.

When we are in need, we often search for things we want. Our needs are never satiated by our wants. So I invite you to give yourself permission to let your broken heart speak to you. Sit quietly, listen to your disappointments. In yourself. In others. In God. In your desires, passions, and even your unmet preferences.

And then, instead of turning it into a pity party, close your eyes and breathe. Repeat after me...

You are a shield around me…

O Lord...

you bestow glory on me...

and lift up my head...

Psalm 3:2-3

Repeat until you find that sacred, quiet space within you.

Next up? Find a small way to provide a thimble-full of encouragement to someone else. You yourself do not have to feel encouraged for you are not giving away what you have, you are passing on what was given to you in this quiet space of remembering that God is for us, with us and in us.

See if that helps shift something in you. It’s ok if it doesn’t, because you can know that at least your act of kindness may have shifted something in them.

Your Loved Ones Deserve to Thrive, Why Don’t You?

From yesterday:

Most people are uncomfortable saying that they “deserve” something, even if that thing is thriving. Yet, at the same time, we tend to think our loved ones deserve to thrive.

So why is it that I don’t deserve something that someone else does?

It feels a bit selfish to say you deserve something. It feels a bit entitled perhaps. So I think we tend to default to the polite answer which we hope communicates something like, “I don’t see myself as being special or more important than someone else?”

But that’s not really what I’m asking. I’m not asking if you’re special or important. I’m asking if you see yourself as a person who deserves the same things that you think your loved ones deserve. In other words, are you as important as those you love? Are you as worthy of love, kindness, grace, and mercy as those you love?

If not, why not?