Finding the Right People (pt. 2)

Let’s talk about our differences.

What does it look like to have a fixed mindset (see Carol Dweck’s work on this for more information)?

Carol says that a fixed mindset can be described as follows:

* We avoid challenges. This is not to be confused with feeling challenged. The more we avoid challenges, the less we may be able to tolerate normal life situations. I thought I was working out at a challenging pace until I started a new program that was actually challenging. There’s a difference between not feeling up to a challenge and trying it anyway just to see what happens.

* We give up easily. There are always a million reasons to quit stuff. But if we are in a growth mindset, growth challenges require that we lean into them - pretty much guaranteeing that we might feel like quitting every day.

* We have a set of talents and abilities but they remain stagnant. We do not get better or worse, we do not learn new abilities or discover hidden talents. Fortunately I have friends who have become artists later in life and this helps jumpstart my own inclinations to stay in my lane. There are so many, many reasons to not get into the habit of stagnation.

* We focus on outcomes. This is a serious killer of innovation and awe. Outcomes are one tiny little data point.

* We feel jealous or uneasy when others succeed. What a great warning flag! I find that people who embrace growing tend to enjoy watching others grow too.

* We cannot tolerate information about our errors and so we avoid “seeing” our errors. This is seriously uncool. The errors are still real, even if we ignore them.

* We ignore negative feedback even it could be helpful for us to hear. One caveat: do NOT fall into the trap of taking feedback from just any Tom, Dick or Harriett. DO embrace feedback from folks who have proven themselves to be supportive and are the kind of people you want to grow up to become. Chances are, they know what feedback is actually helpful.

* We go out of our way to avoid the possibility of failure. Once we stop thinking about failure as a bad thing, failure can become quite an adventure.

* We seek others who can reinforce our ego, which is pretty much the opposite of building our capacity for resilience. There is a distinctive line between people who are supportive versus people who are cloying. I find it far more helpful to have people in my life who support my right to be human than those who feed my ego but trash talk me behind my back.

This list is pretty obvious but I find that I often miss the obvious. Does this list feel familiar to you? Is there one item you want to address and change your own approach to?

Finding the Right People (pt. 1)

“Anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you.”

Misty Copeland

If we do not have the right people around to support all the ups and downs that go along with becoming a person who risks failures and setbacks in order to grow, then I’m not sure anyone will ever be able to become a person who lives on a growth path.

This is one of the few certainties in my life; I am lucky to have a partner and kids and friends who believe in growth and do not react to my limitations with judgment. They have long ago taught me that they do not sit in the cheap seats watching from afar and commentating on my foolishness.

I can be foolish; I think that comes with being human, so I try not to hold it against myself when I am. And that’s point two: it does not matter how many right people are there to support us if we do not agree that we are worth supporting.

This is a very very big point. If we are not careful, we can confuse support with dependence. And that, my friends, NEVER works to build a growth mindset.

So - in review:

1. Find people who support us. This may take awhile, and I suspect along the way we will have to recalibrate our choices as more is revealed about the nature of others.

2. Commit to supporting ourselves. Lean into this idea of failure as a learning experience not a judgment call.

To be continued.

Developing a New Mindset

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

Corrie Ten Boom

I honestly do not know how to tell anyone anything meaningful about abandoning any powerful emotion in favor of love. I just do not know. I do know it is a great idea. I’m also learning some things about change. And who in their right mind could possibly believe that nothing needs to change at this particular moment in time?

Has anyone ever said to you, “Just stop worrying!” Does it help? What about all those other helpful suggestions of what YOU need to stop - as if you haven’t thought about that yourself a million times?

What does help?

There is power in believing that we can improve and accomplish what we set out to achieve. But this is NOT a vague message about having more faith, or sticking with hope, or even God has got this so stop whining. This is a very specific way of believing.

It relates to how we experience failures and setbacks.

When we develop a mindset that sees our failures and setbacks as opportunities for growth - we are developing the kind of resilience that allows us to face challenging situations and come to believe that we can improve and accomplish goals that are important to us.

How do we accomplish this shift? I have some ideas. Stay tuned! For today, if you are interested in bolstering your resilience and capacity for achieving your goals, give thought to this idea that failures and setbacks as opportunities for GROWTH.

Hear me clearly - the focus is on the belief that we can GROW. This does not mean that we will necessarily succeed at everything we try. This is not magic. But what it does mean is that we can alleviate some suffering, worry and sorrow which will free us up to find more productive ways to cope with our lives - and maybe even thrive.

Choosing Love

“May I remember that my life is what it is, not what I ask for. May I practice with what I’m given, rather than wish for something else… When the going gets tough may I choose love over fear. Every time.”

Katrina Kenison

Choose love over fear. Every time.

Today, may we choose love. Tomorrow? We are going to begin a conversation on how to change our resentful, fearful and sad relationship with self-sabotage.

Glimpses of God’s Love

“And the time comes one morning when you wake up and find that you have become irrevocably what you were preparing all this time to be.”

Katherine Anne Porter

I do not know if this is true for others, but for me, the older I get the more my life makes sense. I understand myself a bit more and can give myself a tiny dose of compassion and empathy around the choices I made that are, perhaps, regrettable.

Although I do not know if it is true, I feel the hands of God on my timeline. I sense his presence and even intervention. Rarely was this apparent in real time.

As I age I think less about what I might mess up and more about what I will miss if I fail to pay attention. I feel far less pressure to perform because I have lost all confidence in my ability to control.

There is peace in this. My prayer for us -

God, help us to believe in your presence even when we cannot feel it. Help us to trust in you even when we do not understand you. Give us glimpses of your love for us so that we might carry on with courage.

Amen