Looking For the Helpers

“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.”

Brene Brown

I wish we were sitting together drinking coffee and listening to the rain soothe the earth. I’m at the lake; I love a rainy day here. My temporary home sits on the edge of the earth that drops precipitously into Smith Mountain Lake. We are surrounded by trees; the rain feels like a blanket of protection and melody that restores my soul.

I needed it. Yesterday was sunny and perfect for lounging on the dock. I read a book I should not have bought. I loved it; but it stirred me up. It’s called “One True Thing”, by Anna Quindlan. It’s the story of a daughter who leaves her NY life to return home to care for her dying mother at her father’s insistence. He changes nothing about his life; he goes to work; continues his affairs; takes advantage of his children’s love for their mother by an unappreciative assumption that they will handle everything in his absence while criticizing their every move. This was not a light read. But what the story ultimately does is break the daughter’s heart and opens her up to believing that she can, that she should, that she must, create a life that fits who she is, not who she tried to be to win her father’s love.

Whether the cause is narcissism or a shame-based feeling of unworthiness - who is to say? But many of us have been so overcome by fear that we have lost sight of the light. Anna Quindlan’s character eventually recognizes all the ways that she was held and supported in life - by her mother, a teacher, her brothers, her best friend. This frees her of the fixation of chasing after the people who she meets who cannot love her (her father, bad boys, etc.).

* If you went looking for the helpers in your life, who makes your list? Notice how easily we forget them in favor of an unrequited obsession with those we wished would be there for us.