Stop Sleepwalking!

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

How do we stop trying to regain control in such destructive ways?

I am, obviously, not an expert.  I can only pass on some things I've been taught but haven't yet learned.  

We cannot sleepwalk through life and expect to see any progress in our relationship to unconscious living.  Diligent attentiveness paves the path forward.  Attentiveness to what?

We'll start with triggers.  This has, unfortunately, become a politicized word.  Some seem to find pleasure in boasting about how strong they are with the implication being they do not experience triggers.  

We all experiences triggers.  When your reaction to a circumstance, or something someone says to you, or some such thing far exceeds what is rational for that specific circumstance at that specific moment in time then you have experienced a trigger.  

Looking back: 2021 Scott TAKES DOWN 2017 Scott

I have nothing negative to say about myself here. It’s true- we cannot sleepwalk through life. It’s important to know our desires. It’s important that we know what kind of life we want to live. It’s important to know what kind of life we can realistically live- and create. It’s important to accept the limits we may have in pursuing the life we want to live. And it’s important that we stretch ourselves to grow and continuously add new things to our lives so that, no matter what life throws at us, we have things that help life feel as if it’s worth living.

A Well-Constructed Scaffolding

"Mom, how many therapists do you need?"

"As many as it takes."

"As many as it takes for what?"

"As many as it takes to support my limitations so that I can live my one wild and precious life."

Here is what I need you to know. Your limitations probably are not going anywhere. No one is as shocked by this as I am. I am shocked, stunned, gob-smacked, that I can be this old and still have the same limitations I had when I was twenty. But it is true. And I hate to break it to you, but I bet you do too.

The illusion of youth is that "growing up" means outgrowing our limitations. Sorry. Not my experience.

Instead, what I have learned is how to construct scaffolding around myself to support my growing up. Kate Bowler, one of my favorite humans on the planet, says that, "Life is a chronic condition." And boy is she right!

Maybe we can learn from our brothers and sisters in the mutual aid society world of AA, NA, al-anon, nat-anon, etc. Some things we manage. And that's ok. This is only a problem if we fail to recognize our need for managing our limitations with humility and hopefully a bit of grace!

Wanting the Wrong Stuff

Some of my friends tell me that they grieve over things not yet lost. I get it. They realize that their spouse is not willing to work on his/her recovery and this impacts their marriage. Or they worry about a child (or children) who are struggling with mental health crises. They feel resentment when they go to a bridal shower - remembering that their daughter is in no position to be in a loving relationship, much less get married. Or they avoid the happy baby showers, because their own grandchild is inaccessible to them. These are big griefs that we don't talk about much - which makes it worse!

I don't have any words to offer up for that kind of suffering, but I do have a suggestion for reducing self-inflicted pain. Stop wanting the wrong stuff.

"I want my kid to get sober." I know you do; so do I. But that is for your kid to want or not want, this is not your "want". We can only "want" for ourselves. So maybe we decide to "want" sobriety for ourselves. Don't need it? Are you sure? Maybe a different kind of sobriety work is available for us - like working on our own recovery from wanting the wrong stuff.

"I want my spouse to...." Oh I so get that. But that is not our want. We can state our preferences, our desires, our wishes...but our spouses have to want or not want - this is not our want.

"I want my boss to..." I so get that. We spend so much of our life at work, don't we all want to enjoy the experience a tiny bit more? Yes we do. But we can only want what we can change. We can provide feedback, ask for change, but our work team has to want what it wants, or does not want. We cannot WANT someone to do something and expect anything to change.

So what do you want for you? What next? What is your next move to getting what you want?

Day 24: Celebrating the Joys of Others

When I have an opportunity to talk with young couples I try not to give a bunch of advice. After all, really, what do I know? I only know my marriage. But one thing I try to always point out is that personal satisfaction and joy are inside jobs.

We appreciate the moments when we have intense feelings of satisfaction and joy. Clearly we experience this internally. Today, I want to ask you to pause and breathe deeply – you’ll need the oxygen. I want you to plunge into the deep end of the pool of consideration. Think about moments of satisfaction and joy…were they really inside jobs? Or were they the by-product of comparing yourself to another and believing that you “won”?

People with prepositional problems (to and for confusion) unconsciously (perhaps) confuse life satisfaction with winning. Only when a winner can be declared, and that winner is self, does a feeling of satisfaction and joy overtake the restless heart of one who is prepositionally perplexed. Paul writes about this in the book of Galatians when he writes that acquiring satisfaction and joy is not a competition – it is the result of living one’s true in-Christ self…figuring out who we are and why we exist. As we experience God and ourselves and others within the framework of love, we discover what we are responsible for and who we are responsible to.

And this is really stunningly great news. When those we are responsible to thrive, we can experience the joy of knowing that we contributed to their experience. Clearly, learning how to live with the burden of caring more about others than our own success is hard work. But think. Think long and hard. If our purpose is loving others well, imagine all the opportunities we have waiting for us – chances to celebrate over the joys of others not just self.

This in no way suggests that we should ignore our own needs. In fact, just the opposite. We must take responsibility FOR ourselves - our care and feeding, education and fitness SO THAT we are filled to the brim with the resilience and stamina required to love others well.

As we calendar our time between now and the New Year, can each of us find some time for self-reflection? Maybe consider how we may show up for others and what it would take to acquire a level of fitness for that work. Or, if we are suffering, maybe our work is allowing others to show up for us.

Day 24: Celebrating the Joys of Others

When I have an opportunity to talk with young couples I try not to give a bunch of advice. After all, really, what do I know? I only know my marriage. But one thing I try to always point out is that personal satisfaction and joy are inside jobs.

We appreciate the moments when we have intense feelings of satisfaction and joy. Clearly we experience this internally. Today, I want to ask you to pause and breathe deeply – you’ll need the oxygen. I want you to plunge into the deep end of the pool of consideration. Think about moments of satisfaction and joy…were they really inside jobs? Or were they the by-product of comparing yourself to another and believing that you “won”?

People with prepositional problems (to and for confusion) unconsciously (perhaps) confuse life satisfaction with winning. Only when a winner can be declared, and that winner is self, does a feeling of satisfaction and joy overtake the restless heart of one who is prepositionally perplexed. Paul writes about this in the book of Galatians when he writes that acquiring satisfaction and joy is not a competition – it is the result of living one’s true in-Christ self…figuring out who we are and why we exist. As we experience God and ourselves and others within the framework of love, we discover what we are responsible for and who we are responsible to.

And this is really stunningly great news. When those we are responsible to thrive, we can experience the joy of knowing that we contributed to their experience. Clearly, learning how to live with the burden of caring more about others than our own success is hard work. But think. Think long and hard. If our purpose is loving others well, imagine all the opportunities we have waiting for us – chances to celebrate over the joys of others not just self.

This in no way suggests that we should ignore our own needs. In fact, just the opposite. We must take responsibility FOR ourselves - our care and feeding, education and fitness SO THAT we are filled to the brim with the resilience and stamina required to love others well.

As we calendar our time between now and the New Year, can each of us find some time for self-reflection? Maybe consider how we may show up for others and what it would take to acquire a level of fitness for that work. Or, if we are suffering, maybe our work is allowing others to show up for us.