Making Room…

When we are under too much stress, our body is not built for self-reflection. It has four things on its mind: fight, flee, freeze or fawn. But the body does know how to not only survive but thrive. It's been taking in data for our lifetime and it remembers everything and knows us well. When I devoted myself to my practices at a ninja level in order to avoid a hospitalization, my body had the time to speak to me and I was desperate enough to listen. It told me the truth.

During the pandemic all I could do was think about how I could do more, better, to make up for all that we could not accomplish and provide in lockdown. We found new ways to meet relentless needs. We took advantage of pockets of time and took workshops and classes to strengthen our serve potential. We had to figure out technology. We had to decide how to manage risks while meeting needs. What I did not do was take the time to ask any questions; I just redoubled my efforts. My little engine kept saying, "Try harder." And I did!

But a wonderful thing happened while getting my hair cut. I heard someone call me lazy. It was a breakthrough. Because I had support, I was able to finally say the truth to myself, "That is not true." I am many things, lazy is not one of them. This caused a cascading effect of self-realization. I thought to myself, "If that is not true, what else is not true that I am believing?"

The experience has been amazing. The truth is, I am actually strong. I am courageous. I am a human who can give and receive. I do not have to be perfect, fulfill other people's expectations, or make anyone happy.

So yes, I have quit. I have given up on being pleasing or inspiring or effecting change in a world that desperately needs it. This has left plenty of room for new ways of thinking, feeling, and doing that I do hope will be helpful, but mainly, I know I will enjoy my life and love what I do.

Get Un-Stuck!

To review, first I had to learn that just because I have lots of strategies for coping with stressors did not mean I knew how to effectively deal with the stress. This was news to me. The book Burnout... by Emily and Amelia Nagoski continues to guide my new journey dealing with both parts of the stress equation.

I am learning how to step away from the situations that cause stress and not stop there! My next step needs to include leaning into and paying attention to my body and emotions. My body knows a lot of stuff that my brain and heart resist, ignore or misinterpret. Our brain, body and heart give us clues, very clear ones, to let us know when our stress levels are elevating. According to the Nagoski sisters, here are some signs to heed.

See how many of these questions you answer with a resounding, "Yes".

1. Am I doing the same pointless things repetitively? (Scrolling through facebook, watching mindless tv, distracting myself with food or alcohol or drugs, texting habitually, etc.)

2. Am I engaging in self-destructive behaviors? (Drinking too much, self-harm, eating in a disordered manner, sabotaging my dreams with inappropriate behavior, etc.)

3. Am I erupting inappropriately in ways that are out of proportion to the situation?

4. Am I hiding from my life? (Come home from work and watch cat videos while eating ice cream out of the carton, etc.)

5. Does my body feel out of whack? (Chronic pain, constant sickness, infections, inflammation, etc.)

So here's the thing we all need to wrap our brains around. Stress is not bad for us; getting stuck in the stress is what is harmful. It's a cycle; we have to figure out how to move through it.

Exercise the Stress Away!

Once I started paying attention, I realized that I had gotten into my 60's without knowing that I needed to stop my body's stress cycle. I had strategies for survival. I learned how to distract when tensions rose, avoid groping hands without making a scene, navigate families fighting at funerals and more more more. These are excellent survival strategies but they do not deal with the stress itself.

Thanks to our body we have a source of intelligence that allows us access to knowledge about how to complete the stress cycle. When the pandemic hit, Pete and I were so anxious. We made a commitment to walk together every day. It was essential for us to be able to sleep at night and walking helped. Once the weather got nasty we were less willing to walk through rain, sleet or snow; we converted one of our bedrooms to a gym. We worked out religiously.

Little did we know that we were doing the single most effective strategy for completing the stress response cycle! Hurray for us! Here's the deal with exercise: We should complete between 20 and 60 minutes of exercise a day to discharge the daily stress that accumulates. I know we all want buns of steel and six-pack abs, but I am telling you, the most important part of exercise is this: it completes the stress response cycle.

So yes, I had a breakdown. But I also exercised every day and that kept me afloat. I was not myself, no where close to it, but I was able to do a few things that were also helpful in reclaiming my sanity because the exercise was mitigating the effects of stress.

Are you walking? Dancing? Playing pickle ball? Get moving friends!

Freezing for Survival

Yesterday I talked about wanting to run, punch, yell, kick and bite as survival strategies. But there is a second strategy - FREEZE. Freeze is its own unique little bundle of joy. This is the response our body makes when it decides we are too slow to run or too small to fight. It's the "play dead" survival strategy. This is the end of the line for survival strategies.

I have heard the stories over and over. Men and women using their little girl and boy voices to mourn their inaction in the face of abuse as children. They ask: "Why didn't we tell someone? Why didn't I protect my little sister? Why didn't I DO something?" It is unsatisfying and unhelpful so I do not say it, but this I know: if you froze, it was your body making the best choice it knew to make at that time.

If this ever happened to you, I pray you know this. Freezing is our last resort attempt to survive..and if you did this, it worked because you are reading this blog. But...you may still suffer the ill-effects because you know what happened...your stress cycle was not completed.

Afterwards, our bodies still have all those amazing chemicals that we could have used for fighting and fleeing if we had been capable. If our freeze move works, then our body begins to shake and shudder. We do not have a good way to describe this sensation, but it is our body doing what it does. It's the physiological way the body ends the stress cycle. Crying is a good example of this, even if it feels like there is no good reason to cry! There is! Listen to your body!!