Think Long and Hard About Ending Relationships

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here.

Disclaimer: This post is not referring to relationships where there is active abuse or neglect taking place. If you’re physically or emotionally unsafe, we strongly encourage you to take steps to move towards safety. If you need help figuring out next steps, please get in touch.

When it comes to ending relationships, here’s what I do. I “ghost.” You’re probably familiar with this term- but it’s one that millennial use. It basically means that you just kind of disappear without a word. Like a ghost. *This is not a good strategy.* It leaves things in limbo. It probably leaves other people confused. Worse- it’s most likely harmful.

Not everyone is this way. Some people stay in relationships for way too long before making the move that they need to make. Some people end relationships at the drop of a hat. We all have our patterns.

Given that we’re not talking about the kind of relationship mentioned in the disclaimer above, I believe another skill when it comes to living faith in a positive way is the ability to hang in with relationships even when they get tough. Actually, it might be several skill sets. Relationships go through up’s and down’s. High’s and low’s. Rough patches and smooth ones. The ability to ride out a rough patch is a skill- and one that points us towards hope. It’s a hope for that relationship (that it can be mended). It’s a hope for the other person (that they are more than just the problems we have with them). It’s also a kind of patience and endurance- trusting that this is a natural part of being alive and being in a relationship.

It’s not easy to do these things. But, if we can, we are teaching others and ourselves that we are valuable enough to wait for, to suffer with, etc. It’s a way of saying I got you, when another person might not deserve it, and trusting that someone else will be willing to say the same back one day, if we need it.

All that to say, if you can, and if it’s safe and healthy to do so, don’t end relationships too hastily. See if you can hang in there. See if you can teach another person that they are valuable beyond the present troubles. And see what good may come from that.

“Give the Man a Chance”

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here.

I, like many people, am a huge fan of the movie Die Hard. I probably watch it twice a year. Once in December- because it’s the all time greatest Christmas movie, and then once in July because I just can’t wait to watch it again.

Die Hard was directed by John McTiernan- a guy with a very odd career (a story for another day). For a brief time, McTiernan knew how to make action thrillers better than anyone else. Another example is The Hunt for Red October, a movie about a disgruntled (yet highly decorated) Russian submarine commander (played by Sean Connery- with his native non-Russian accent) who tries to defect to the US with a brand-new, untraceable submarine filled with nuclear warheads.

The plot is complicated. But the simplified version is something like this: Connery can’t tell anyone on the American side that he’s trying to defect because word would eventually get back to his Russian higher-ups that the new sub is now in American hands- which would ignite a war. So, he has to leave a trail of breadcrumbs for the CIA to follow so that they can discover that he is defecting, rather than traveling to launch nuclear warheads at New York or wherever.

Only one man in the CIA gets it: Jack Ryan (Alec Baldwin). He then spends a good portion of the movie convincing his higher-ups that Connery is defecting and not starting a war.

You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you the plot of a forgotten sub movie. Well, here we go. John McTiernan liked to have a theme in mind when making movies. His theme for The Hunter for Red October is this: Give the man a chance.

Jack Ryan’s job is to convince every higher up above him to give Connery (Captain Ramius) a chance- rather than to assume he’s the threat he appears to be and to simply blow him out of the water. He begs person after person, give the man a chance.

This, to me, speaks to a very key skillset to have when it comes to trying to live our faith in a positive way. If and where you can, give people the benefit of the doubt. When our survival instincts kick in in life, they warn us of danger- even when danger isn’t there.

It’s easy to assume someone is out to get us, or trying to harm us. It’s less easy to give the man (or person) a chance.But our faith calls us to speak back into our survival instincts, to look for the good in others, and to offer the benefit of the doubt not only as an act of mercy but also as an act of imitation of Christ himself when he says, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

I believe this is Christ’s way of saying: Give the people a chance.

What helps you offer the benefit of the doubt?

Ask Clarifying Questions

If you are just seeing this post after missing a few, we’re on a mini-series on how to have positive faith- faith that is encouraging and upbuilding and not based on shame, guilt, and the like. Specifically over the past few days we’re talking about skills that help us live this out.

Today is going to be a short post- because this is something you’ve heard us talk about many times if you’ve been at NSC for any length of time.

So here goes. If and when you don’t understand something that someone is telling you, try asking some clarifying questions. Our conflict in life, all too often, is the product of miscommunication. One of the ways around this is to ask questions rather than to immediately respond.

Slow down. Hear the other person out. Ask questions if you feel yourself getting agitated. For example, “What I’m hearing in all this is ______, is that what you’re wanting me to hear?” This gives the other person the opportunity to, you guessed it, clarify.

This alone will go a long way towards having better conflict and having better conflict will undoubtedly support your move towards living faith in a more positive way.

Closing the Stress Cycle with Positive Interactions!

Prior to the pandemic, I (and I imagine a lot of you) had a healthy dose of positive social interaction. I'm not a social butterfly, but life was full and rich with people points of contact. From church to my barista buddies, I had friendly conversations with people, in person, multiple times per day. People who have these kinds of interactions daily are happier because....this helps close the stress response cycle.

The body notices. The brain thinks, oh hey, look, no one is yelling or pulling a knife! All is well! But post pandemic, all is not well. I went to get my hair cut for the first time post pandemic and overheard a woman talking about her lazy pastor because her pastor did not figure out how to do parking lot church. And that lazy pastor was me! Imagine my surprise. (We do not actually have a parking lot; our building is in an office complex.)

The place I go to relax and receive pampering all of a sudden did not feel so safe. And this is a systemic problem for all of us. Family gatherings can be tense for many families, but now we worry about spreading the coronavirus to grandma; our substance abusing loved ones are abusing more, not less; our families are divided red and blue when we all should be pulling together, not apart.

One of the main "stress cycle closing" activities - positive social interactions - has turned into family feud. No wonder we are all so stressed!

What could you do to reduce the stress of another person through a positive interaction? Plan for it! Execute the plan - our collective wellbeing depends on us getting our social wellness back on track!

The Glory of Small Talk

Once in awhile someone will send me a gentle email asking me if I can figure out how to get the gang to stop being so chatty before meetings so that we can get onto the topic at hand. I explain that I am powerless and our routine continues. People chat, even on zoom, and I love it.

Here's why. Casual but friendly social interaction is a signal to our body that the world is a safe place. So in our community, we encourage this inefficient but helpful use of chit chat and companionable sharing because it is one more step in, you got it, completing the stress response cycle.

Even if you personally are not feeling light and breezy, practice making a little small talk today, see how it goes!