Observe Yourself…

"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place."

Zora Neal Hurston

Lately there has been a lot of discussion about the current state of Christianity in our country. Christianity Today is doing a series of podcasts on the debacle of Mark Driscoll and his leadership style as a pastor. It's called "The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill." Don't know him? Here's another example we are all familiar with: the politicizing of evangelical America. Whether or not you are on board with it, many people have many opinions. And then there is that time Jerry Falwell Jr. encouraged students to arm themselves on the campus of a Christian college and quoted scripture (out of complete context) to support his position (which is the mildest example I could think of with him).

These are all very upsetting examples - either because we think they are examples of holiness and the way Christians are getting a bad rap, or because these examples do not sit well with our own perspective on spirituality.

Here is something I think we can agree on: because we bear the image of God (the Bible says so), people ought to be able, at least in theory, to see a bit of the character of God when they experience us. And for sure, love is such a defining characteristic of God, it only makes sense that we would be loving humans.

So try this: Observe yourself. Are you the kind of person that loves so well that people feel safe with you? Do they crawl out from behind their defenses and shields and armor of protection and share their authentic, vulnerable selves with you? I am not talking about being NICE. I'm talking about bearing the image of God! I am thinking about the capacity for treating everyone with respect and positive regard. There is room within this way of seeing for loving confrontation and accountability. There is room for wisdom and discernment.

This is worth thinking about and is far more useful than bantering about our opinions on the Mark Driscolls of the world.

Troublemakers

Troublemakers start fights; gossips break up friendships. Proverbs 16:28 The Message

I grieve the loss of friendships that occur needlessly. Maybe this is just me being old, but it is true, the older I get the more appreciation I have for my friends who have been willing to hang in with my particular brand of humanity. Friendships are precious and should be handled with care. I believe it is the exception, not the rule, for people to know how to manage relationships with respect, dignity and positive regard.

Recently I accidentally downloaded a harlequin romance novel on my audible app. Never again. But I'm a bit OCD about books and once I start one I am compulsive about finishing it. This particular novel had all the elements of a 'good' romance according to novels: a kidnapping (mostly the kidnappers were kind), an undercover police detective (who somehow managed to jump on the boat and stay with the damsel during the ordeal without the kidnappers killing him), and instant love-at-first-sight between the detective and the fair maiden. Whisked off to a Caribbean island (because why NOT go in style) these two were somehow able to carry on their romance in the midst of a hostage negotiation! This involved the detective barking orders, kissing the maiden without her permission and at one point demanding, "Take your clothes off; it seems to be the only way we can have a conversation." Oh boy. And she smacked him numerous times because...why not?

I began to think about all the old movies I had seen where love was portrayed first as a battle. No wonder guys think girls who say no might not mean it! In the movies, the hero can be cranky and rough and demanding and the women swoon. In the Christmas movie 'It's a Wonderful Life' Jimmy Stewart is not exactly gentle with his bride when he gets in a mood. Even the Hallmark movies manage at least one scene where an adult, who should know better, might tell a kid, "Hey, he just picks on/teases you/tickles you because he likes you." Learning to tolerate this is called grooming for sexual exploitation, not a lesson in 'how to get a girl'.

This is not love. Fighting is a sign of trouble. Conflict is a normal part of loving but needs to be resolved within the boundaries of respect, dignity and mutual positive regard. Speaking negatively about another person to anyone but that person is gossipy. Now look - I get it. We all unload once in awhile. But maybe we should take more care with that. If fighting and gossip are a habitual pattern, something needs to change. Friendships may need to be relinquished. This does not make anyone necessarily 'bad' it just means that for whatever reason, the combination of personalities is not a good fit. Maybe in the discomfort of needing to break up as friends, people behave badly - this too is normal for folks who lack the skills to gently let things go. Once we recognize that this is the issue, we should back up but I pray we can find ways to do so that extend love.