Affirming is Important But Difficult

I (Scott) was talking to a parent recently about the relationship between affirmations and consequences in parenting. This parent said they had one child who responded very well to negative consequences (taking something away when an undesirable behavior happens) whereas the other child responded better to positive reinforcement (giving the child something they want to reward a desirable behavior).

Brittany and I do a little bit of both of these, depending on the circumstances, but, by and large, Norah responds better to positive reinforcement. This means that any time she behaves in a way that we want to make a pattern, we use an over-the-top happy parent voice to say, “GREAT JOB BIG GIRL!”

To be honest, it’s exhausting. It’s not in my nature to be over-the-top about anything (surprise, surprise). It feels like pretending, acting, or faking it, and not particularly authentic. But I continue to muster the energy to do it because I see the benefits- Norah loves it. It teaches her what to pursue in life and, even at her young age, she wants to know what is expected of her.

When it comes to adult relationships, it feels even more difficult, perhaps even unnecessary, to affirm those around us. We’ll discuss this in more detail tomorrow. Until then, spend some time reflecting on the verse below:

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29