Using Your Power for Good

"The mark of a great man is one who knows when to set aside the important things in order to accomplish the vital ones."

Brandon Sanderson

My highly successful, hard charging friends amaze me. Their focus on their goals, their ability to create an image that is attractive and inspiring, and their capacity for efficiency and multi-tasking is awe-inspiring. Until it isn't. When taken too far these amazing achievers lose sight of their own goals, their own heart, their own desires. This can become a lonely existence and these folks often feel like they will die if they stop achieving. For balance, these folks need to look for their values and try to make more heart connections with the people that they are influencing - because trust me, these folks are influential!

Could this be you? Is it time to evaluate whether your power is used for good...or not?

Being Responsible..

"Being responsible sometimes means pissing people off."

Colin Powell

My powerful friends who are brave and strong and run toward danger are sometimes so focused on making progress that they are remiss in communicating their vulnerabilities. They feel strong, they are strong. But even the mightiest among us sometimes needs a good nap and maybe an ice cream cone.

We all have problems and it is not only ok, it is good to acknowledge them. When we don't, we might give the false impression that others are weak in comparison.

Could this be you? What small changes could you make to express your vulnerability to your trusted peeps?

A Leader…

"Power isn't control at all-power is strength, and giving that strength to others. A leader isn't someone who forces others to make him stronger; a leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own."

Beth Revis

Not all influencers are warm and fuzzy and bring me skinny vanilla decaf latte's when they come over to visit. These influencers are strong and high energy. They often display an uncanny ability to set aside not only their feelings, but mine. They are efficient, effective, and get stuff done. I am in awe of the single-minded capacity of this type of influencer to use their ability to read a group and figure out what needs to be done to achieve its desired goals.

Could this be you? Can you think of others in your life who have this capacity and inspire you?

Attend to Yourself!

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Read the past few days before reading today.

If the son is not attentive to himself, and has done very little work, then a question from his partner about cleanliness will likely lead to an explosive reaction.  Overtime he's learned to associate his mother's standard of cleanliness (which he later attaches to any conversation about cleanliness) with a deep internal sense that he has no value, that he's a burden on others, that he is a failure, that he's inherently damaged, that he's completely misunderstood, or some other core message.  In this case, an innocuous question (from the partner's perspective) can lead very quickly to a conversation about whether or not this relationship is even worth continuing.  

Triggers don't mean that a person is weak or stupid or overly sensitive.  Triggers are merely things that remind us of our baggage.  If we've dealt with our baggage, triggers are not necessarily overly disruptive.  If we haven't deal with our baggage, they wreak havoc.  

We require attentiveness in order to discern what kinds of conversations or events create unnecessarily large reactions within us.  If we're able to recognize these reactions when they happen, then we can begin to parse out the root of these reactions.  

This is the beginning of learning to choose new and different responses. 

2021 Scott enters the ring to destroy the writing of 2017 Scott, and here’s his response:

I don’t have a tremendous amount of new things to say in response to these few days that I haven’t already said. I will continue to say that it’s a complex web of factors that leads to our healing. Some of it is attentiveness to ourselves and our patterns. Some of it is healing relationships. It might take counseling or support groups. It might take new hobbies. It might mean slowing down. It might mean a career path. Whatever the case may be, it’s worth asking ourselves: Am I living a life that I am excited about? If not, what is in my power to change that I believe might help?

The Dynamic Duo

The first baptism I ever performed was in a church. It totally freaked out those who came to be baptized. We were meeting in a school but walked across the street to a church for the baptism. I lacked imagination for what a jolt that would be to the system of our community. The church had graciously allowed us to use their baptismal font after their traditional 11 am service. Perfect. They would leave and we would arrive - no problem. Except that my friend freaked out. She was intimidated by the steeple, its people, and the formality of the environment. We survived the trauma. Barely.

Her shame attack was associated with past experiences in a church that sounded more like John the Baptist than Jesus. Remember? John was all about repentance. He went around in grunge attire shouting, "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near." People traveled great distances to take him up on his offer to wash away their past and start fresh.

To us, John the Baptist sounds like he is issuing some sort of threat. Why can blame us? That is how it is presented in many churches. To the people who followed John this was a promise. My friend had years of triggered messaging from a church that preached a message of fire and brimstone to her, a young woman who feared she was dancing very close to the flames. Her experience resulted in shame and guilt but their experience, those who heard the message of John, was one of pardon. My friend heard her pastor demanding that she own up to her depravity, ego and pride. But this message was ineffective because these were not her core issues!

My friend's core issue was hopelessness. John the Baptist preached the message of repentance BEFORE Jesus stepped up and taught us the concept of grace. This was not a haphazard or mixed message from God to us. God gets us. God is not focused on us as miserable sinners; he is well aware that what we need is faith in HIS commitment and power to renew and restore what humanity breaks. Soon the weather will be warm and our community will return to the water for another opportunity to wash away the past and start fresh. Our usual spot is the James River. The bottom is rocky, the water often brown with swirling mud; I usually see a snake or two observing our ritual. I'm always glad when it is over and we all manage to safely return to shore. It seems more fitting, somehow, to enter into those rocky rapids with a little fear and trembling.