Practice Being Uncomfortable…

Failure is demotivating. It's frustrating. I do not always respond well when I perceive I have failed. I think this is a fairly predictable response to discomfort, but guess what? I'm learning that being uncomfortable is a precious gift on the path to growth.

Pete and I enjoy our empty nester early morning routine, which includes solving a puzzle or two before we rush off to a day filled with adulting. One of the puzzles I prefer, Kakuro, is a great crossword like puzzle without words. You have to align numbers 1 through 9 in such a way as to come up with the designated total count both vertically and horizontally. Sometimes it is really hard and I get frustrated trying to solve it. The secret is to just keep working the puzzle. Plug away, fill in what you can. Start with the easy ones - a two square line that equals 16 HAS to be 9 and 7, and if you put those two options down on paper, you might discover that there is only one square the 9 or 7 will fit with the corresponding vertical or horizontal line that has its own unique options and restrictions.

Here's the point: even when unmotivated, uninspired, freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional - keep moving. Not in a habitual, robotic, reactionary way - but from a place of humility, curiosity, and surrender. Maybe today I will not solve the problem set in front of me but I might get better skills for my effort. I may learn new tricks that will help me with tomorrow's puzzle.

If we feel like we have to be motivated to make progress, we are wrong. If we think we have to succeed, we are wrong. If we think we need to have warm fuzzy feelings about our adulting, we are wrong. Here's what's right: keep moving and as we move, try to pay attention to aligning ourselves with our core values.

I align myself with my core values when I follow my teacher's instructions for piano fingering practice. My values include the belief that I am a student of life and lessons learned in one arena inevitably translate into other dimensions of life. I value expertise and I appreciate when I have access to it. I believe that there is value in doing things that feel unnatural at first, because it is a sign that I am awake, alert and not asleep in a habitual, unconscious patterned way of thinking, feeling and behaving with certainty.

What do you need to practice today that will be uncomfortable?

Vocation, Calling and Tough Talk

"Vocation is not evoked by your bundle of need and desire."

Dr. William Willimon, p. 54, Accidental Pastor

We spend a lot of time thinking about who we want to be when we grow up. We encourage our kids to plan for their future. Maybe we point out early signs of talent or giftedness and stretch our bony pointy finger to the future with no small amount of anxiety and say, "Child, maybe go thataway..." We take personality tests, aptitude tests and find our strengths. We shore up our weaknesses or at least try to defend or camouflage them. We try to find careers, callings and hobbies that help us find our bliss. My niece Kaitlin dreamed about being a veterinarian and now she is one! My nephew Robby told me once he was going to ride a rocket to Mars - who knows, maybe he will!

The super fortunate among us smash up all these ideas and opportunities and sometimes end up with a legitimate sense of calling. But after obsessing over the writings of Will Willimon, I no longer think calling and vocation should feel like a roll of the dice.

Listen to this quote:

"Vocation is what God wants from you whereby your life is transformed into a consequence of God's redemption the world. Look no further than Jesus's disciples - remarkably mediocre, untalented, lackluster yokels - to see that innate talent or inner yearning has less to do with vocation than God's thing for redeeming lives by assigning us something to do for God."

Dr. William Willimon, Accidental Preacher, p. 54

Think about this. The door is wide open. The needle does not have to be threaded. God wants something from us and our life is the consequence. We're assigned a job. Be a faithful partner - so don't kiss strangers you find attractive and want to assert power over. Be a faithful grandparent - still figuring what that looks like, but I am practicing the role by giving my grandchildren sugar and always saying "Yes". Be a faithful pastor - figure out how to keep serving others even when all you can imagine doing is crying for unending stretches of time. On and on the roles go that we are assigned. Our vocation and calling is not diminished by our lack of enthusiasm or talent for the job assigned. Think harder. See if this clarifies things for you and opens you up a bit to a renewed commitment to practice.

Committing to Self-Love

“Too many of us are overcommitting to others and under committing to ourselves.”

Erica Layne

Early on in my adult life, I was suspicious about learning how to love myself. I confused self-acceptance with selfishness. Love is not selfish. Selfishness is a survival instinct. Love is a spiritual pilgrimage.

Oftentimes on our quest for spiritual awakening, we come across this idea of the search for our true, best, most Jesus-like self. We hear that our “false self” is inferior, ego-driven and we need to somehow dethrone her before she extinguishes our true self altogether. This is what I heard the gurus saying, I’m not sure that’s the lesson they intended to teach me.

Genetic testing results came back from my health screening and it turns out I have the genetic capacity of a “high performance athlete”. Oh no! Did my false self smother my inner athlete? There is absolutely no evidence that athletics is or ever was my destiny. Did I miss my prime? Has my life been less meaningful without an Olympic medal? Of course, I’m not sure a lot of women were given the opportunity to test out their athletic potential back in my youth, but that issue aside - have my genetics revealed a small piece of my true self but lost self?

This hunt for true versus false self at times sounds awfully woo woo to me. But it isn’t.

True and false self is not a search for some missing link. Lately, I’ve been thinking it is more like this: there are true and false ways of living.

My genetics reveal has helped me adjust my workout habits to fit my genetic strengths. To workout at my optimal potential I need to make room for rest; I have the capacity for both strength and endurance - so I shoot for my potential. But my genetics is not my destiny. My capacity is an outer limit, my actual performance depends on many factors. Things like commitment, training, practice and purpose. My genetics missed something true about me: I love to read and write more than I love to deadlift.

Our search for true versus false self will not be determined by a spiritual genetic reveal. It is revealed in the learning lab of life. My work, should I choose to commit, train, practice, and pursue a spiritual purpose will ultimately reveal itself in the results of living true to my core values. This is not mysterious work but it does require both courage and humility. It requires us to pay attention and be curious about ourselves. We pay attention to what we are willing to commit, train, practice and sacrifice for. Hopefully it aligns with our core values - which we also need to pay attention to and modify as necessary to align with our purpose for living. This is how we love ourselves! We don’t settle for living a life that our genetics or culture or even our suffering dictates. We love ourselves best when we commit to knowing ourselves and knowing God. Then we live in true ways. It turns out, this means we love ourselves and others. This is our true self.

Progress

For those who make it through all the 12-steps, we give thanks. This is no small matter. We admitted things along the way that NO ONE in their right mind wants to admit. We are forced to face our powerlessness over our dependencies; we are encouraged to accept the fact that we need restoring to sanity; we stand in place until we trust God, as we understand him with not only our lives but our wills; we inventory, confess, ask, and admit; we make amends; we practice a daily examen; we choose to draw near to God...and now this: we notice our own spiritual awakening, carry the message and continue to practice the principles that got us here in all our affairs. Whew!

Still - I have questions. What is a spiritual awakening? To whom and how do I carry a message? Why me? Why not me? How does working this program qualify me to speak to anyone? Although I think I understand the principles we are to practice (more on that later), I wonder: have I ever done anything as thoroughly in all my affairs as Step Twelve suggests?

As we ponder these questions and more...let’s not forget to notice and celebrate that we have earned our questions, confusions and anxieties about this step because we were willing to walk through the first eleven. Let’s explore these questions together! Stay tuned.

Spiritual Awakenings

Healing...is not a science but the intuitive art of wooing nature.

W. H. Auden, “The Art of Nature”

Tossed about in the chaos of a world defined by the pandemic, it is tempting to look for certainty. I love love love that the 12-steps do not insist on such paltry comfort. Instead, the culmination of our work lands here, on Step 12: “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and practice these principles in all our affairs.”

This is it? This is what spiritual alertness means? We carry a message of hope to others that is filled with experience, strength and hope - for that is what our journey has gifted us. We practice these principles in all our affairs - which I find comforting in the age of COVID-19.

I do not have to be happy or feel blessed or know much of anything to do this work of messaging hope and practicing principles. I need not wait for perfection, or even much self-improvement; the principles we are learning to practice are often about the very things I need improving. I am only asked to practice. Practice. More practice.

And so I find that healing is not what I expected or even hoped for.

What have you expected of healing? Have your expectations complicated your work or supported it?