An Unnecessary Display of Force

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

When we feel most out of control we are, at the same time, most likely to exert control in some other area through an unnecessary display of force.  

When we throw a tantrum over something unrelated to the core issue we rarely use the appropriate amount of force.  Houses should be cleaned periodically in order to maintain a healthy level of mental and emotional balance (the level of cleanliness needed is negotiated between the people who live in the house).  But, we don't address a lack of cleanliness with a tantrum or outburst when our core issue is cleanliness.  We simply have a respectful, adult conversation about cleanliness.  When the core issue is something else (such as grief), we unleash an ungodly amount of frustration over cleanliness simply because our body needs to unleash SOMETHING.  It'll take anything at all.  

This is what I mean by, "...an unnecessary display of force." 

Self-critique session:

I think, again, I was overcomplicating things (and still sounding like a jerk). I believe the essence of this post is: We should build some “mindfulness” time into our lives that forces us to assess what is really going on. When we do this, we can not only choose when to have crucial conversations but we can appropriately match the level of intensity to the type of conversation we’re having. If all we’re upset about is cleaning, then that should be a low intensity conversation even if we’re quite frustrated. The reason being, it’s just not a life or death issue.

If, however, we need to talk about something quite serious, we treat it seriously. We plan a time to sit down where both parties can be prepared and free of distractions. We increase the intensity- but we don’t yell to increase the intensity, we focus.

Picking the right moment to have a hard talk, and striving for the right “tone” goes a long way.

Filling in the Full Picture

My grandchildren love a book called “Tiger, Tiger, Is It True?” Based on the work of Byron Katie, this beautifully illustrated little masterpiece helps Tiger, who is having a rotten day, understand that most of his misery is caused by his thoughts about his situation, rather than the situation itself. Turtle helps Tiger sort through his strong feelings and mostly not true thoughts through a practice of asking the question, “Is this thought true?” Can you prove it? Are you sure? What if it weren’t true - can you find examples when your thought was not true? It feels to me like a mindful practice.

Mindfulness and meditation are not equivalents; they are more like kissing cousins. Mindfulness presumes that most of us are only partially self-aware and limited by our fixations. Like Tiger Tiger, our compulsive ways of thinking and seeing the world often cause more suffering than is necessary. Ironic, right? Our compulsions are often ways we are trying to avoid discomfort, but they are actually increasing it.

“Mindfulness means seeing how things are, directly and immediately seeing for oneself that which is present and true. It has a quality of fullness and impeccability to it, a bringing of our whole heart and mind, our full attention to each moment.”*

Tiger Tiger was upset by his parents’ fighting, getting picked last at recess for a team sport, and his best friend choosing to play with someone else after school. A thorough examination of his feelings about these events reminded Tiger that his parents did fight AND they loved him bunches. He did get picked last, but his friends were still happy to have him on their team. His best friend did play with someone else, but he always saved him a seat on the bus, played games together, and loved to jam in a band with him.

How are we like Tiger? What are we missing as we focus on small pieces of information? Tiger needed more than xanax, he needed a bigger lens with which to see his world.

I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me.

Psalm 131:2

In stillness and quiet, what is God’s spirit whispering to you today?

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*Goldstein, J., & Kornfield, J. (1987) Seeking the heart of wisdom: The path of insight meditation. Boston: Shambhala, 62.