A Lesson of Self-Awareness

At Northstar Community, we often talk about our core values as preferable ways to guide us in decision-making. If I value recovery, which I do, I try to support recovery work. MY recovery work. Families say they find this helpful. A friend of mine discovered that he was paying for his son to visit a psychiatrist who was prescribing a stimulant for his adult son's ADHD diagnosis. Dad was very upset because this particular stimulant has been highly addictive to his son in the past and led to lots of negative outcomes. Plus, there had never been a diagnosis of ADHD in his son's medical history. Dad thought he was being a recovery ally by helping his son deal with his mental health issues by paying for treatment but now Dad feels like a sucker who is paying for his son's addictive drug of choice. What's Dad to do? He's been OBSESSED with fixing his son for so very long but lately he's wondering if his efforts are actually hurting his boy.

Dad is anxious and panicky. He wants to call the doctor and give him "a piece of his mind". He wants to yell at his son and ask him, "What the heck are you doing?" But neither of these seem very recovery-friendly. Using his core values (recovery-ally, compassion and kindness) Dad decides that he needs to stop paying for the psychiatrist in order to be kind to himself. He makes an amend to his son about getting up in his business by having access to his medical records and explains that he will no longer be able to pay the psychiatrist's bills that exceed insurance costs (Dad does pay for the insurance premiums because he does not want coverage to lapse) because it is not good for Dad's recovery. No judgment of the doc or the adult son. Just a simple, direct, clear and apologetic communication about a change Dad needs to make in order to apply his core values to himself and others.

I appreciate the way Dad is continuing to learn and apply his core values. He's even chosen to shift the priority of his core values and add "self-care" to the top of his list. He is going to use that money he has been spending each month on his 40 year old son's psychiatrist visits to fund his own self-improvement project by hiring a personal trainer and improving his fitness.

Identifying Your Central Issue

One of the things I love about the scriptures is how often I reread a passage that I have read a kazillion times, only to have a particular section speak into my daily life as if I had never heard it. Here’s a passage that did just that. This particular passage is written as a summary of sorts in the book of Galatians. Evidently these folks had been arguing over whether circumcision was a godly thing or a goofball decision. Then Paul says this…

Can’t you see the central issue in all this? It is not what you and I do - submit to circumcision, reject circumcision. It is what GOD is doing, and he is creating something totally new, a free life!

Galatians 6, somewhere between 14-16 in The Message

As I evaluate and re-evaluate my own values depending on the circumstances, it seems to me that I am required to think about the CENTRAL ISSUE. What is it, exactly? Is the most important thing which side one comes down on regarding circumcision? Really? Of course not. It is so easy to see that a couple thousand years later. Today I wonder. What do you think the CENTRAL ISSUE is in your life? Your life. I say that because our life is the one we are responsible for; our life is the one we will answer for. We need to be very careful at this moment. We need to think about our responsibility, our life, our values and our response to them. Whether or not my children and I agree politically, for example, is not my priority. My priority, my core value, is having relationships that are characterized by respect and dignity. It is undignified and disrespectful for me to have ANY expectation about my children’s political leanings. They are grown ups. They own their life; I own mine.

So what is the CENTRAL ISSUE? For me, it is about trying to make sense and apply what it means to believe in a God who is creating something totally new - a free life. I am curious about this; I lean into it and ask myself questions like: What would it mean for me to have a free life? What’s the new thing that God is up to? What is God doing and how can I possibly figure that out? What issues feel “central” to me that are not central. What is the central issue anyway? What am I missing? How is my ego standing in the way of my discernment? In what areas am I certain? Certainty is not possible when dealing with “totally new” anything. What am I missing? What is my responsibility? What is NOT my responsibility? What will I regret if I get it wrong? How do I imitate God? What does love look like in this situation?

The questions go on and on and on - but they are questions I ask and answer about me - because I am who I am responsible for. Everyone else? I am responsible TO - my family, my friends, my enemies. May you find the answers you seek within the arms of our Loving God.