A Problem Solver…

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear."

Mark Twain

"Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."

Shari R. Barr

I don't think I'm much of an influencer, but, if being practical and solving problems is helpful - I'm your girl. I can find a problem when no one else is even looking - which can be anxiety producing. Others might not understand how I work, it might be hard to notice that my fear does not arise from the problem but more often from the belief that others are not paying attention to the problems that will arise as a result of ignoring important realities. I am also decent at problem solving, keeping the people I love safe and being predictable. Need action and adventure? Keep looking. But if you appreciate loyalty and steady commitment from a person, I'm you gal.

Could this be you? Can you think of others in your life who have this capacity and inspire you?

A Husband…

"Success at the highest level comes down to one question: Can you decide that your happiness can come from someone else's success?"

Bill Walton

My greatest influencer has been my husband. He has seen me at my worst and stayed. He has enormous amounts of patience and the capacity to play with our children and grandchildren for endless hours no matter what else is vying for his attention. He's the kind of guy that includes people and collaborates. He's the one to call when our health insurance company accidentally canceled all our various family member's insurance policies. He's patient and has a natural ability to listen to customer service representatives as they explain to him why they cannot help him and yet, eventually do.

He has a natural capacity to really listen to people and help solve problems so that organizations and teams he supports have a better chance of achieving their goals. I have other influencers in my life with this uncanny ability to support the dreams of others - they are pretty magical people. I have a dear friend and daughter who also exude this willingness to sacrifice over and over for those they love. Truly, these folks are willing to go to great lengths without receiving credit for their efforts so long as their efforts improve the condition of those they serve.

Could this be you? Can you think of others in your life who have this capacity and inspire you?

Is it Good Judgment or Are You Being Judgemental?

Most Thursday nights I have the pleasure and privilege of participating in our Family and Friends Education Program at NSC, in partnership with some other really great organizations, like VCU's Rams in Recovery. This program is designed to support and educate families seeking recovery for a loved one. It is an amazing group; often, someone wants an "after meeting meeting" - in order to get a bit more personal about unpacking a particular crisis or chronic problem related to the topic of the evening.

One evening we talked about the characteristics that foster change: empathy, compassion, unconditional positive regard, etc. These principles are extremely difficult to figure out how to display when confronting a loved one whose addiction leads them to lie, cheat and steal without apparent remorse. (Which, for the record, is rarely true. Most people have deep shame and remorse about the places the disease takes them.)

"Teresa, I hear what you are saying, but I just do not buy it. There is just no way in hell I can withhold judgment after all my son has done. He's a thief. He's broken all the commandments plus a few no one even thought to mention. I am ashamed of my son and I want him to be ashamed too - maybe then he will change."

Yeah, well, it turns out that shame is not a great motivational tool. It encourages hiding and secrets and isolation. It is not helpful. As I listened to this heartsick parent lament, I realized that we need to have a follow up conversation that distinguishes between being judgmental versus having good judgment.

I was NOT advocating for abandoning good judgment. Good judgment in this instance might mean that these parents not give their kid a key to their home and ask him to water the plants and feed the dog when they go on vacation. That's using poor judgment. That's not living in reality. Their son is not capable of that level of responsibility. A parent can know this without being judgmental about this tough truth. There's a difference.

One of the words I over-use on Thursdays is "tone" - our "tone" matters. When our "tone" comes from a place of radical acceptance, even if we mess up the words, our fumbling is less debilitating. When my grandmother told me to "Stay sweet and do not get stout," her "tone" was deaf, but loving. It was wrong, but not toxic. It was poor advice, but not devastating because it was just so obvious that she loved me. Now, she should not have said it and it was a super bad message to give a woman way deep into anorexia. But its effect was blunted because of the tone, the heart of her message. These sorts of problems need correcting - and, eventually I was able to share with her about my personal struggles and she never, ever repeated those words. But judgmental attitudes are hard to address and far more dangerous.

Differentiating between good judgment and being judgmental is challenging. We often need help figuring it out. That's ok, because in no judgment zones, asking for help is easy.

Are You Owning It?

I want to have the kind of life where all sorts of people have keys to my house. Unlike the lady I met on vacation, I do not feel intruded upon when handing over a spare key to someone I trust...and most likely need. In fact, I am lucky to have family and friends who will receive my key and all that it symbolizes.

Our annual lake vacation delights Pete and I; it is predictable and convenient. It is relaxing and fun for us. While others dream of exotic locations and new sights, we are pretty boring but blessedly happy. It's no wonder, what with our anticipation of the arrival day of our departure, that I was more than a little disappointed when, poised to depart for vacation, water landed on my head when I walked under a smoke detector positioned outside my bedroom. Then the alarm began to blare.

It turns out that we had a roof leak and it would take awhile to figure out how to solve the problems we could solve on that rainy Saturday...when we SHOULD have been headed out for our long anticipated retreat. Initially I feared that vacation would be delayed, but quickly realized I had keys and people willing to use them.

Our kids and neighbors all agreed to help us leave. Roofers returned calls, our insurance company was amazing. Vacation was not delayed.

This is why I do not want to move to Delaware even as I admire the moxie of a woman, whose age is certainly north of mine by miles, willing to pull up stakes and set out on a new life...even at an advanced age. But this is not for me. I want "roots that grow deep". My life is not Facebook sexy but it is the one I choose. My responsibility. My way.

What's your way? Are you owning it? Are you willing to take so much responsibility for your life that you can also enjoy all the different ways other people choose to craft their own stories?

A Mighty Good Start…

Yesterday I talked about my friend with the overbearing mom. Her mom, unwittingly perhaps, taught her daughter from a young age that she would never be competent or good enough or responsible enough to solve her own problems. Mom over-reached, over-corrected and over time, my friend developed this bad habit of not trusting herself. Who can blame her?

Recovery helped my friend regain her footing and find her adult self. She says it has been a huge blessing in her life. She tells me that recovery has taught her as much about healthy relationships as it has supported her recovery. Through therapy and 12-Step meetings and support groups, my friend has learned that healthy relationships are when two people solve their own problems while cheering each other on.

Her mom has it backwards. She tries to solve my friend's problem while tearing her daughter down.

Until recently, my friend believed that there was nothing she could do to solve this problem, but it was because she was worrying about solving the wrong problem - her mother. In a way, my friend was modeling what had been taught and modeled by her own mom - worry about other people's issues and ignore your own.

Today, my friend has chosen to assume that her mother is as unchanging as the taste of a Big Mac. But she can change, and she's figuring that out. She has some options, but all of them include absolutely refusing to change her own decisions, plans, and actionable items in pursuit of her own dreams and goals not matter what her mother says. That's a mighty good start if you ask me.