Do. Evaluate. Redo. Reevaluate.

I was not created to be a motivational speaker if by that we mean someone who motivates and inspires. I think this is because my core values and inspiring motivational moments are at odds. This has actually been hard for me to accept because I'm the sort who actually prefers success to failure. I like to win. Ask my husband, he will tell you. I care about winning whether we are playing cards or pickleball. When our son tells us that maybe at our advanced age we should transfer our considerable efforts to play tennis over to the pickle ball court, what did we do? We started taking tennis lessons. And, yes, we also play pickleball. Just not the day before a lesson - it totally does a number on your tennis form.

After decades in the recovery world, I have learned from my recovery heroes that success, inspiration, motivation - those things are all fleeting. They are not long haulers. And what I love about knowing this, is that I notice what is left behind. When all that runs out what's left?

Do the next right thing, no matter how small. Forget success, inspiration and motivation. It's fun when it's there - enjoy it while you've got it - but plan for when it leaves because they are all fickle.

To trick my brain that is hardwired for panting after success, I've chosen to embrace action as an indicator of success. My brain is learning to accept what I actually believe is true based on my experience - our whole life is one giant experiment. Progress is only made when we make choices, take action, notice what happens, refine the plan and do the next thing that makes the most sense.

I'm pretty energized with this way of living. My goal is do something and notice, not do something and achieve a particular outcome. The DOING is the winning.

I have a friend who has needed to reset herself this summer and she is doing a bang up job. It started with cleaning her room. She bucked and resisted and planned and procrastinated until one day, we decided: she was going to clean her room starting right....now. And she would not stop until it was done. If she didn't know where to put something, unless it was a live human or beloved pet or a family heirloom - just throw it away. This certainly was incentive enough to find a place for everything she loves! I could gush on and on about how her life is morphing right before my eyes since she cleaned her room but I will wait to post about her when she runs for President in a decade or so.

Do. Evaluate. Redo. Reevaluate. Keep going. What dream do you have that needs to start with a thorough room cleaning? Let's go and get it done!

Practice Being Uncomfortable…

Failure is demotivating. It's frustrating. I do not always respond well when I perceive I have failed. I think this is a fairly predictable response to discomfort, but guess what? I'm learning that being uncomfortable is a precious gift on the path to growth.

Pete and I enjoy our empty nester early morning routine, which includes solving a puzzle or two before we rush off to a day filled with adulting. One of the puzzles I prefer, Kakuro, is a great crossword like puzzle without words. You have to align numbers 1 through 9 in such a way as to come up with the designated total count both vertically and horizontally. Sometimes it is really hard and I get frustrated trying to solve it. The secret is to just keep working the puzzle. Plug away, fill in what you can. Start with the easy ones - a two square line that equals 16 HAS to be 9 and 7, and if you put those two options down on paper, you might discover that there is only one square the 9 or 7 will fit with the corresponding vertical or horizontal line that has its own unique options and restrictions.

Here's the point: even when unmotivated, uninspired, freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional - keep moving. Not in a habitual, robotic, reactionary way - but from a place of humility, curiosity, and surrender. Maybe today I will not solve the problem set in front of me but I might get better skills for my effort. I may learn new tricks that will help me with tomorrow's puzzle.

If we feel like we have to be motivated to make progress, we are wrong. If we think we have to succeed, we are wrong. If we think we need to have warm fuzzy feelings about our adulting, we are wrong. Here's what's right: keep moving and as we move, try to pay attention to aligning ourselves with our core values.

I align myself with my core values when I follow my teacher's instructions for piano fingering practice. My values include the belief that I am a student of life and lessons learned in one arena inevitably translate into other dimensions of life. I value expertise and I appreciate when I have access to it. I believe that there is value in doing things that feel unnatural at first, because it is a sign that I am awake, alert and not asleep in a habitual, unconscious patterned way of thinking, feeling and behaving with certainty.

What do you need to practice today that will be uncomfortable?

What’s Next?

Last night we went out to the courts and played tennis. It was fun! Our rallies were longer, our score less lopsided in Pete's favor. We realize that that old saying about "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" is oh, so true.

The pandemic locked us up and closed us in. Reports of post-pandemic anxiety disorders and depression are everywhere! Many of us did NOT do an amazing backyard renovation project that we revealed on Instagram. Most of us never got around to cleaning our all our closets or learned about Maria Kondo folding techniques. We're a bit like circus animals who are so conditioned to a small confined space that they never even try to escape - even though escape would be easy!

Listen - we've busted out and we've come back to tell you the truth - so can you! Get out of the routine, mundane, nothing's gonna change mindset! Find your way back to new adventures. Play more! It's perfectly reasonable to acknowledge the impact that the pandemic has had on the world - but I ask you: What are you going to take responsibility for as a result? What are you going to do to change you? How will you change your relationship with anxiety and fear? The world is not our responsibility, although we can be responsible members of our community.

But what is our responsibility is ourselves. What are you going to do next?

Stop and Smell the Roses

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

From yesterday, on the importance of avoiding complacency:  Over time, we actively pursue new areas and skill sets, but we don't stop the pursuit [of recovery].  Remaining alert means that we can acknowledge progress as long as we acknowledge that we must also continue the work.  

Ultimately, this is the gift of recovery.  As sobriety from the area of our unmanageability requires less focus, then our capacity to focus on other areas increases.  We are free, in other words, to address smaller problems with how we are living our lives.

There is no issue too small to address.  Whatever issues we have at a moment in time are the issues worth addressing.  At the end of the day, we are the lives we lead.  Our lives are the compilation of the choices we’ve made, the character we’ve developed, etc.  

If we simply relax and take our hands off the wheel, well, I wonder…are we living?

2021 Scott’s thoughts:

I think this last question is a good one. For the most part, it is important, at least to me, to live actively. To always try to create the kind of life I want within the confines life throws at me (which are sometimes very harsh and difficult to deal with). 

However, I would also suggest it’s okay, at times, to relax. To enjoy the moment’s where we have found peace. And, conversely, in moments where life is tremendously difficult it may also be important to relax for a few minutes, and not make big decisions, and not try to change everything at once just because the present moment is such a challenge.

So- let’s be diligent about becoming the kind of people we want to be. Let’s also give ourselves permission to stop and smell the roses.

What Can You Add?

“If it doesn’t add to your life, maybe it doesn’t belong in your life.”

Unknown

When I was growing up I heard that in America you could grow up to be anything you wanted if you followed your dream. The implication was, I think, that if you did not achieve your dream, perhaps you didn’t try hard enough or want it bad enough because in America, anything is possible. And it is true that in America many things are possible! But not everything. It turns out, the sentiment is not quite true. Until July 25, 1960 a person of color could not eat a meal served at a Woolworth’s lunch counter. The first person of color to do so ate at a Woolworth’s counter in Greensboro, NC. I hope they got a cherry coke. But that is 1960. I was four years old. It was not and is not possible in America to be anything we want to be when we grow up just because we want it and it’s America. In many churches I cannot be a pastor because I have two boobs and no penis. Do these words offend you? You are not alone. I am offended that we tell little kids one thing and then not follow through with our promises by making it possible.

Here’s my point. We may need to expand the quote above to say this: “If it doesn’t add to your life or the life of another person, it doesn’t belong in your life.” Here’s why. Progress is a slow and ambling journey. We know that God is up to something good, and his will is to move toward a more fair and just and equal world - but it takes time. While we wait, we must not be complacent. We must not base our decisions on what benefits us, but perhaps what benefits others in the future.

I’ve written about this before. Unwittingly and without any noble intent, I entered the University of Virginia as one of the early classes that allowed women. There was nothing radical about my application process. I applied because my favorite guy friends were applying and my best girlfriends and I decided - why not? We had some inkling that we were one of the first co-ed classes but WE DID NOT GET IT. I won’t bore you with all that we did not understand.

But I will say this, when my daughter eventually attended The University, the experience was a bit better for her than it was for me. There was more diversity, more females in the class, no harassment by the upper class. The dorm was still lousy and the urinals still remained in the antiquated dorm bathrooms from the good old days of male onlys - but it was better. Today, the gender distribution is 45% male and 55% female. I can only imagine it is a LOT more equitable today. I hope so.

I’m not sure that I can say that attending UVA added to my life. Honestly, I kind of wish I had expanded my options and considered a softer, gentler collegiate experience. But I will never regret walking through an unplowed field if in so doing it made it a bit easier for my daughter to follow in my footsteps. There will be a few times in our life when we will have to abandon the basic principle of “addition” in favor of the chance that we “add” something to the life of another.