Selfish? I Think Not!

I am not a fan of the old, worn out belief that AA and other mutual aid societies promote a selfish program, although I understand the sentiment. A husband who regularly pulled his wife out of pubs and honky tonks in the wee hours of the morning laments, “It used to be that my wife was never around because of her drinking; now she’s always at a meeting.”

In the short term, this husband sees no difference between his wife in the midst of her SUD and in recovery - where is she? He has a point but I think misses the potential for change. This program changes us; it wakes us up spiritually; we become more decent human beings. At first the program may feel arduous and time-consuming. It needs to be. We are working hard to manage early recovery post acute withdrawal symptoms. We are learning new skills. We need to establish and deepen a support system. Eventually - this wife can show up more fully present in her home.

This is not being selfish; this is learning how to treat a potentially fatal disease.

I had a guy tell me this was a selfish program because members help others because it helps themselves. According to him, this is selfish. We need to do things from a pure motivation he says and anything short of pure love is useless. I heard what he said but still scratched my head over the sentiment. OF COURSE this work helps both the giver and the receiver. Antibiotics helped me get over a sinus infection last month but no one called me selfish for taking them! Now, if the ONLY reason we work a 12th step is to benefit ourselves, I assure you, it will not last. But if it takes this understanding of the benefits of the work for us to get started? Who can argue with such reasoning? It’s ok to start with a mixed motive.

If we stick with this work long enough, it will occur to us that we better do so without expectations of reward or compensation. Because let me tell you - oftentimes, there is no reward or compensation. And that is as it should be. Many of the people who tried to help me pre-recovery received no benefit from their efforts. In fact, they usually ended up having to endure my baloney. Today, I see how each foray into the jungle of my dark lost mind with the intent to rescue was a breadcrumb that eventually led me out of the darkness and toward the light. But none of the breadcrumb droppers know that!

Sharing, even in the face of heartbreak, gives us a new set of problems.