Holding the Truth Gently…

In my first meeting with my new therapist, the one I hoped would keep me out of the hospital, she told me that I had no clue what self-compassion was, and I needed to learn. She's a straight shooter! Honestly, this was news to me.

She pointed out patterns I had of making excuses for the bad behavior of others and calling that compassion. According to her, that's not compassion. Compassion is the ability to hold the truth...gently. If we do not do it for ourselves, we will never grasp how to do it with others.

Diligent practice of self-compassion lowers stress hormones and improves mood. Self-compassion that results in self-forgiveness is associated with greater physical and mental well-being.

None of this diminishes our motivation, although people fear that outcome. We seem to think that if we're not being hard on ourselves, maybe we'll go all soft and stop trying. This is NOT true.

If self-compassion feels like a bridge too far, how about starting with lovingkindness towards others?

Reclaim Your Joy

My grandchildren saved my life; it is a lot of pressure to put on newborns, but this is the truth of what happened. Their births awakened within me a profound joy. I remembered. I remembered that life was not all work and no play. I remembered that babies grow like weeds and I would only have them for a few short years before I either descend into senility or they get a hankering for their own kind - their peers.

I realized that I was slogging through my one wild and precious life as if someone had attached heavy weights to all my positive emotions, hopes and dreams. I felt stale and stiff and used up. I looked around and recognized that some of the patterns from my childhood were being replayed in my current day reality. This was not good. I was disgusted with these patterns. I was lonely and hopeless. I was sinking fast. I dreaded trying to go to sleep and dreaded waking up to the chaos, confusion, and conflict that infused not only our world, but my community. I read somewhere that dread is anxiety on steroids. That sounds about right. But what could I do? I did not know and so I did nothing.

I believe that I am responsible for every moment of my life. There is no one to blame or pawn my work off on. My life. My work. I needed to get some help but part of being depressed is that we feel helpless. I knew I had a problem - the loss of joy. That did not turn out to be the problem but it was my starting place and although I did not know what to do next, I did know that I wanted to reclaim my joy. Or maybe find it for the first time.

As you pay attention to yourself, notice if you are receiving any clues that something needs to change in order for you to grow and thrive.

Stuck on the Details…

I have this friend who is having trouble in her marriage. She has decided that her problem is so unique, so special, that no one can help her navigate it and find a path through it to a new and better problem.

Maybe she is right; I am very curious about this approach to life and I wonder if she is onto something I cannot see. I am also curious and wonder what would happen if she broadened her identity a bit. What if, instead of seeing all the exceptions to life that define her - what would happen if she chose to think about her situation more simply?

What if, for example, she chose to think of herself as a wife and mother? What would her core values be? What kind of wife would she want to be? How would she show up in the relationship? How would she want to show up as a mother? What values does she want to stand by and express?

I observe this so often in myself and others - we get very caught up in the details of our story. And it truly is OUR story, the one we tell ourselves and stand by with the loyalty of a brain that has limitations and prefers habitual patterns rather than insights and transformation. We get stuck on the minutia of the story, rather than focusing on our responsibility and the values we care about and how we want to take responsibility for living them in our present day life.

If she, and I, and you, could think like this more often we might be not only more curious, but more eager to ask for outside voices to challenge our brain's stubborn resistance to humility. We might ask for support. We might listen to learn rather than react to opinions that vary from our own certainty. We might end up with better, more interesting problems.

Planning for Triggers

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

From yesterday:  In order to learn something from our outbursts, we need to be willing to rigorously examine ourselves in the aftermath. 

This includes:  making a mental note of the things that trigger us.  What kinds of things create unnecessarily large emotional reactions within us?  Is there a pattern?  When have I reacted this way to this kind of situation before?  Have my reactions to this kind of situation always been this strong?  Why or why not?  If not, what has changed?  

Perhaps today you can reflect on a situation you have some emotional distance from and try asking yourself these questions.

If we can answer questions like this then, hopefully, we gain some insight into what kinds of things are likely to send us spiraling out of control.  

Scott’s thoughts in 2021:

Being able to identify triggers and recognize patterns is crucially important. We may need help with this- we may need to ask the people “in our hut” to help us recognize patterns of acting “too big” for what the situation requires.

Once we’re aware of triggers, we can start to plan out what to do about them- and this will depend on the circumstances. It is important to process the things that create the triggers, it’s also important to learn new actions in response to triggers…perhaps this is a good topic for a future Saturday night class?