Certainty is a Drag

When we decide that the pathway to growth is not through certainty, we take the road less traveled - taking responsibility for our lives. This attitude creates a whole new set of problems. Certainty brings with it a sort of script for life. Someone can bring up a topic and all we have to do is hit our own "play" button. We can spout off our certainty. But when we assume we are responsible we preclude certainty as an option. Life will keep presenting us with confusing opportunities to ....change.

For example, if I could be certain of how to advise families with loved ones in need of recovery, I could respond to all their questions (which are usually pretty predictable) by pushing my "play" button. Have a kid smoking cannabis in your basement? Kick him out if you don't like his behavior! That's a "play" button response.

But what if the kid has a traumatic brain injury? What if the kid has developmental delays? What if mom and dad's greatest fear is the kid will not be safe on the streets? These are legitimate questions that deserve respect.

I'm far less certain than I once was about how to support recovery for those we love who are struggling. This requires that I continue to take responsibility for keeping current on the latest research and best recovery practices. None of it is certain - even the newest approaches. But it makes for a better life.

Think of it like this - if we are certain, then we are probably irritated when people do not agree with us. Maybe we feel anxious when our certainty is challenged. But if we are constantly taking responsibility for our limitations, if we are curious, then we are perpetual learners. And maybe, just maybe, we can actually end up better equipped to help those we love.

Certainty is a drag; responsibility is a doorway to more joy and fewer regrets.

A Lesson of Self-Awareness

At Northstar Community, we often talk about our core values as preferable ways to guide us in decision-making. If I value recovery, which I do, I try to support recovery work. MY recovery work. Families say they find this helpful. A friend of mine discovered that he was paying for his son to visit a psychiatrist who was prescribing a stimulant for his adult son's ADHD diagnosis. Dad was very upset because this particular stimulant has been highly addictive to his son in the past and led to lots of negative outcomes. Plus, there had never been a diagnosis of ADHD in his son's medical history. Dad thought he was being a recovery ally by helping his son deal with his mental health issues by paying for treatment but now Dad feels like a sucker who is paying for his son's addictive drug of choice. What's Dad to do? He's been OBSESSED with fixing his son for so very long but lately he's wondering if his efforts are actually hurting his boy.

Dad is anxious and panicky. He wants to call the doctor and give him "a piece of his mind". He wants to yell at his son and ask him, "What the heck are you doing?" But neither of these seem very recovery-friendly. Using his core values (recovery-ally, compassion and kindness) Dad decides that he needs to stop paying for the psychiatrist in order to be kind to himself. He makes an amend to his son about getting up in his business by having access to his medical records and explains that he will no longer be able to pay the psychiatrist's bills that exceed insurance costs (Dad does pay for the insurance premiums because he does not want coverage to lapse) because it is not good for Dad's recovery. No judgment of the doc or the adult son. Just a simple, direct, clear and apologetic communication about a change Dad needs to make in order to apply his core values to himself and others.

I appreciate the way Dad is continuing to learn and apply his core values. He's even chosen to shift the priority of his core values and add "self-care" to the top of his list. He is going to use that money he has been spending each month on his 40 year old son's psychiatrist visits to fund his own self-improvement project by hiring a personal trainer and improving his fitness.