Tolerating Tragedy

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Element of acceptance #2:  The willingness to tolerate tragedy (in both a global and personal sense) without trying to pinpoint its source

Once we got the news about Brittany’s health, we had basically two options: try to adopt, or accept life as non-parents.  We knew there was a good chance we would not be able to fundraise the money for adoption and, if that happened, we would have to orient ourselves to a completely different vision of our future together.  We did not want to live as a childless couple. But, we understood, life does not often give you what you want.

As people of faith, there are complicated questions that arise as a result of being confronted with that painful reality:  Does God love me? Does God care how I experience my own life? Does God truly provide for his people? Why is this happening?

Now, the temptation in hindsight is to say, “Of course he does!  Look how he provided for you and made you parents!” Yes, he did, that is true.  However, it is also true that there are plenty of people in this world who love God, and want to become parents, who do not become parents.  Do we think God does not love them and did not provide for them?

I personally do not believe that.  I believe God’s love for us is steadfast and present regardless of whether or not Brittany and I became parents.  It is not easy for me to believe that. It is not some kind of unwavering confidence. It is shaky and filled with doubt.  Yet, this is my attempt to tolerate tragedy without pinpointing its source. What I mean is, I’m intentionally trying not to try to figure out why this happened.  

More on this tomorrow.

(Some) Elements of Acceptance

In these past few days we’ve discussed a few strategies that help us avoiding living as contemptuous people.  One is seeking out both a skilled therapist and a trusted spiritual advisor or mentor or whatever word you want to use.  This helps us deal with the source(s) of our contempt. The second thing we did was attempt to reframe how we perceive other people’s lives.  Contempt can be the product of comparing what we have to what other people have.  The reality is, we have no clue what other people have or do not have in their lives.  And so, comparisons are foolish, though we can’t help but do it, can we? It’s only natural, even though we know it isn’t particularly good for us.  

The third “strategy” (if you can call it that) I want to mention is acceptance.  What do I mean by acceptance? I personally think that acceptance is a rather expansive, multifaceted topic and I plan to take a few days to address just a few of the many ingredients that lead to acceptance.  I’m surely going to leave some things out. I’m going to give you my list in no particular order as I have no idea how to rate the importance of each of these aspects of acceptance. I’ll unpack these over the coming days so, if the sentences are not immediately clear, they soon will be (I think).  

Without further ado, here are my elements of acceptance:

1. The willingness to live within the boundaries of life’s natural constraints

2. The willingness to tolerate tragedy (in both a global and personal sense) without trying to pinpoint its source

3. The willingness to resist idealizing alternative ways in which life “might” have gone

4. The willingness to trust that, on the aggregate, God steers creation in a hopeful direction

Contempt

This morning I stood in line behind a guy in a coffee shop who was super rude to a barista.  This is NOT how I wanted to start my day off. He was insufferable. Maybe it was because it was early and I hadn’t actually experienced my day off; maybe it was the cowering look and flushed cheeks of the sweet clerk on the receiving end of his abuse; maybe I was just in a feisty mood - I don’t know.  But I could NOT stop myself.

“Sir, I gotta tell you, if I were being talked to like that, it would really be upsetting.  This woman is trying to do her job. It seems like you are causing her distress. With all due respect, please stop raising your voice at her.”  

“Well, lady, we live in a contemptuous world.  Get used to it.” Interesting. I didn’t suggest that he was being contemptuous - though I think he was - he came up with that on his own.  He handed over his five bucks for his specialty coffee drink that I thought only teenage girls ordered and stomped off to wait for it to be prepared.  (I am being catty. Contemptuous even.)

My computer dictionary says this about contempt:

1. the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.

2. disregard for something that should be taken into account.

According to this guy, this is the world we live in.  It is a world where we can act on a feeling that springs up in our teeny tiny hard hearts that convinces us that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.  It is that capacity to disregard another - and even the dictionary agrees that “something that should be taken into account” should not be held in contempt.

The guy never said another word as he grabbed his girly drink (oops there I go again) and slammed his way out the door.  My Lord, I prayed, if this is the world we live in - we are in big trouble. I paid it backward and gave that teary eyed teen a 100% tip and knew that I could have given her a puppy and it would have done little to ease the pain associated with being treated with contempt.  As if she were beneath consideration. Worthless. Deserving scorn. Disregarded even though she was created to be taken into account.

The guy is right.  We do live in a world where contempt is normative.  But does that mean we have to buy into it as a lifestyle?  I, who have spent a good bit of time writing about the concept at various points in my life, find myself holding the guy in this story...in contempt.  How in the world are we going to change this contemptuous dynamic - a dynamic I hate AND practice?

A Simpler Approach to Spirituality

I’m going to close with a simpler way to process your spirituality if looking at all the individual puzzle pieces (as we’ve done the past few days) isn’t all that interesting to you.  

What constitutes a good day?  Do you ever ask yourself that question?  What do you need to do today, that you can (in reality) do, that would contribute to experiencing a meaningful day?  

It tends to be that we’re so bogged down trying to get done the things that need to be done that we don’t think about building meaning into our day.  Or, we don’t consider what it would take in order to create space to create meaning in our day.  

Of course, building meaning into our day such that we spiritually flourish requires a little bit of planning.  But it’s not just about planning- it’s about intentionality.  Intentionality is at the heart of a flourishing spiritual life.  

Are you living as you intend to be living?  

Spend some time with that question.  It’s not an easy one to answer.  And, the answer will always be a little bit yes and a little bit no.  

Life will be more spiritually enriching if we’re living as we intend to be living.  This means we regularly evaluate how we’re living and intentionally seek to adjust the areas where things aren’t going well.  This process allows our lives to become more full, more spiritually enriching, in part because we confidently know that we're approaching our lives wholeheartedly.  That requires courage.    

If we’re living intentional lives then we will experience ourselves as being more whole, or unified, persons because there will be, over time, fewer discrepancies between our desires and our actions.  There will be less hypocrisy, less internal tension, and the joy that comes from knowing we’re doing the best we can.  

Every Moment Holy

Every moment is holy.  Or, perhaps, every moment has the capacity to be holy.  Holiness is about distinctiveness, it’s about being “set apart.”  God called Israel, in the Old Testament, to be His people, meaning, they were to live with by a unique set of values that pointed others towards God.  

We lose track of individual moments quickly.  They pass us by while we’re looking elsewhere.  But each individual moment grants us the opportunity to be kinder, gentler, more patient, more gracious, more attentive versions of ourselves.  The world is not a gentle place so even a small, seemingly insignificant display of compassion can dramatically impact another person’s day, or life.  

Perhaps we miss these small, significant opportunities to fulfill the call to be a people “set apart” while we anticipate grander opportunities to put our goodness on display.  Or perhaps we (wrongly) assume we have no goodness to display, and give up the fight.  Whatever the case may be, focus on the smallest possible way in which you can exercise your distinctiveness.  

If we can “focus small” then we will be far less likely to miss grander opportunities.