Too Much Positivity?

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." Charles Darwin

If I can be a Debbie Downer, there are other influencers who look like they take massive doses of puppy uppers. They reframe every negative into a positive, which I am sure is much appreciated by anyone who has spent too much time with me. But too much positivity can keep us from considering real obstacles and taking them into account. If we want to be helpful, we do have to consider the possibility that Pollyanna was not always correct.

Could this be you? Does your positivity ever cause others to feel as if you are not paying attention to details?

The Gift of Guilt

"I'll never get over my guilt," is a sentence I hear often from parents who have suffered the traumatic loss of a child (and all losses of children are traumatic - even if they are grown up when we lose them).

If we stay in this place of ruminating over our regrets and guilt, we are spared a bit from the acknowledgement of all our loss. Maybe it is easier to talk about our feelings of guilt than it is to live with the reality of all the things that will not happen now that they are gone.

It is all HARD. Guilt is crushing; mourning is like having heart surgery without anesthesia - every damn day.

But here's the thing - guilt is not really a gift unless it is true, legitimate wrongdoing - if that is true, then we know how to proceed: ask for forgiveness and make amends. However, it is usually not the whole story. Sometimes we give ourselves too much credit for what we perceive we can (or should) control. Secondly, it is expensive. Unremitting, unresolved feelings of guilt steals the present moment. It takes us away from the living.

Guilt, the lying little bugger, tells us that it serves as a living tribute to the loss. But guilt really just keeps stealing from the living. Guilt asks us to keep dying for our dead - and that sounds noble, even preferable to our grief over another's passing.

But what if there is another way? What if we acknowledge the specifics of what we cannot undo that was 'wrong' and refuse the offering of a generalized guilty feeling with no legitimate claim to reality? We acknowledge our legitimate wrongdoing and seek forgiveness, make amends. If we find that some of the beliefs that we have held about our guilt are simply not true, then we must move forward. We live. We live to honor the lost. We live well for those among us, our other children, our family that is still present for us to love well.

These are not easy things nor are they appropriate first responses for someone new to grief. But if we find that our grief is interfering with our love for others - maybe it is time to re-evaluate the ways we have thought about our loss. Maybe we need a grief counselor or a grief group to help us reframe our habitual way of thinking about our suffering.

Maybe we need some support for healing.

Self-Compassion vs. Your Inner Critic

Daily I remind myself that I have a right to slow down and breathe. I am not a productivity machine. I have permission to simply be.

Krista O’Reilly Davi-Digui

Self-compassion is as good as a daily mutli-vitamin! We are doing the best we can! But we live in a world that keeps demanding MORE MORE MORE. Only you can choose to jump off the high speed train that is headed for a hard stop into a brick wall.

Rest and care are such foreign concepts to some of us, me included, that I needed some examples to even understand the way compassion might look on a daily basis. Here are a couple from real life:

I zoomed with a father who wanted to stop drinking so much. The pandemic revealed that his social drinking had escalated to the point where it was not a problem. He did not realize this when he was having martini lunches with clients, happy hour with co-workers, and returning home for a nightcap with his wife. Once he started working from home his consumption increased. It was hard to NOT notice the bottles piling up in the recyclables. He was home all the time, his wife and kids began complaining about his moodiness. Hung over in the morning and sloshed by 7 pm, the family was starting to wish that he would take the risk and go back to the office.

He said this: “I am disgusted with myself; I’m turning into my father. A lush I vowed to never imitate. I hate my life and my life hates me.”

Bummer.

Knowing that nothing good would grow from shame, I suggested we work on compassion before we tackled the drinking. Shocked by my suggestion, he agreed. Eventually, he chose to replace his inner critic with a compassionate inner mentor (an image I totally ripped off from one of my friends). When he would start with his harsh perspective, I’d call a time out and ask for a reframe. Typically, this is where we would land: “I need to stop beating myself up and figure out next steps. Although my drinking is an issue, I acknowledge that and I am getting support to change that. I am not my father AND I want to be a better father to my kids and more loving and present husband to my wife.”

Eureka! Our conversation shifts. We move away from limited discussions about how to give up drinking and pivot. He finds his “WHY” - be more loving. We explore what that looks like. And, yes, it does require him to lay off the sauce. But not because he is like his father, or cannot handle alcohol. His WHY is so that he can BE the guy he wants to become. See the difference? What compassion do you need to show yourself today?

What Color is Your World?

I have a small decorative globe that spins hypnotically when tiny hands get hold of it. I leave it within reach of my grandchildren, believing that their wonder is more precious than this trinket. One day my grandson, who has been learning about the planets, constellations, and rotation in his preschool class, says, “Meme, is this a planet?”

“Yes, Christian, this is planet earth. Here is where you live!” I point out Virginia, grateful that his place on the planet is so close to mine.

My globe is a rich golden hue; I bought it because the color was perfect for my den, not because I particularly needed or wanted a globe.

“Meme, you are incorrect. That is not my planet.”

“Yes, see? It says here, ‘United States’ - our city, our state, our country, our continent, our planet.” (I have never claimed that my superpower included reasoning with a three year old.)

“Meme.” Christian is ramping up the firmness in his tone. “This is NOT our planet.”

I give up. “Tell me how you know that.” Big sigh from a little body. “Memeeeeee….our planet is blue and green.”

HOW we see truly does inform perspective. HOW do you see the world? Is it hostile? Is it out to get you? Or is it…..something else? What if you could reframe your perspective? What if you would benefit from a changed perspective? Is it possible that the capacity to listen and learn might just be a superpower? I was focused on getting the facts straight; I needed to listen to learn what this kid already knew. The 12th step requires us to learn how to listen as part of our work to try to carry a message that can be received.

Reframing

Shepherd of Israel, I am listening!

You, the one who leads Joseph as if he were a sheep.

You, who are enthroned upon the winged heavenly creatures.

Show yourself 2 before Ephraim, Benjamin, and Manasseh!

Wake up me up to understand how you lead me!

Come to save us!

3 Restore us, God!

I long to see your face shine so that we can be saved! Forgive my distractibility!

4 Lord God of heavenly forces,

how long will I fume against your provision for me? How long will I ignore you?

5 You’ve fed us even when our disobedience brought us to tears;

you’ve given us water three times over because we have been stubbornly resistant!

6 Our selfishness has put us at odds with our neighbors;

our enemies make fun of us because we behave laughably.

7 Restore us, God of heavenly forces!

Make your face shine so that we can be saved!

The Israelites often expressed their self-pity over their difficult circumstances, some self-inflicted, others simply part of living life on life’s terms. It served neither them nor us well. How about we give it up for the Advent Season? Turn it in and ask for a refund. Instead, lean into the collective effervescence. In sickness and health. Conflict and camaraderie. Joy and sorrow. Getting our way or giving away our preferences for the sake of the tribe. How can we apply this to our decisions as we plan for our holiday festivities?

And maybe we can do what the Israelites got so very right - ask God to save and restore us so that we might see the value of singing in the rain, even if it is very, very uncomfortable.