Cry It Out!

Crying is curative. Dealing with stress may not leave room for crying in the moment. In the middle of a stressful situation, we must cope and deal and solve the problem. But afterwards, we need to make room for a good cry. Crying is an effective way to deal with the situation that causes the stress (close the loop). Remember - coping does not close the loop, it just helps us survive the situation.

A movie or book or other stimulus that makes you cry is an excellent way to help facilitate having a good old-fashioned cry. It is actually guiding our body through the complete emotional cycle. We are not babies when we cry; we are humans who are completing the stress loop!

Searching for Shells

In July, Pete and I received and accepted a lovely invitation to go on a beach vacation with our granddaughter, Norah. Norah let her parents come too. I love the beach. But what I love even more is seeing the beach through the eyes of a three year old. Talk about awe!

Norah would stay on the beach and at the water's edge to infinity and beyond. But she spends her time behaving in ways that are exactly opposite of how adults spend their time. I learned a lot watching her. First, Norah does not hoard.

At Folly Beach, research reports that there are two BIG unique components to Folly. 1. More sharks come here to birth their babies in the spring than other places and 2. It has a ton of shells. No one seemed overly concerned about sharks, but the adults are obsessed with collecting shells.

They walk slowly along the water's edge, humped over, scanning the shell-line (yes, there is one) for the perfect shell. Most have small satchels slung over their shoulder to hold their finds. They never look up or around; they do not gaze lovingly at the sea wondering what lies beyond the horizon. They do not watch the birds dive for fish. They pay no attention to the young children learning to surf. They are on a mission and it is all-consuming.

Norah, on the other hand, spent the entire week returning things to the sea. She would find a shell and run into the ocean, hurling it back into the same water that spit it out moments before she found it. She threw handfuls of sand back too. Anything that seemed like it came from the sea, she sent it back with peels of laughter and delight.

Her eyes glanced down to find shells or sand for recycling even as she feasted on sights unique to the beach - on Folly Beach there are many sights to see.

I couldn't help but think about the difference between the two experiences of Norah and the shell-seekers. One looked as if they were afraid of missing something, while Norah assumed that the world was created to give her things that she could turn around and give back.

Which are you? Do you feel that you have to grab in order to get? Or do you believe the world is an abundant place with much to offer with plenty of opportunities to give back as an act of gratitude?

What Helps?

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Yesterday I wrote about the different strategies Brittany and I use to avoid coping with grief.  These false strategies have led to a number of perfectly avoidable conflicts this year.  We have fought over an ungodly amount of pointless stuff!

When I walk around in active suppression of my grief then my body carries more tension than it has the capacity to hold.  When we don't confront unpleasant things then we do not (and cannot) release the tension that comes with emotional turmoil.  That tension must come out.  

So I pick a fight over the cleanliness of the house.  Why?  Because it's such an easy target and I know it.  Brittany works from home now and has agreed to take on more of the cleaning burden as a result.  This means that, when I'm living unconsciously, I have a built-in excuse to go after her.  The house is never immaculate because nobody's house is immaculate.  So, I can always find something to be upset about if and when I need a release for all the tension I'm carrying.  

I will tie this back to control tomorrow.  

My perspective on this in 2021:

I don’t really know if all of this subconscious stuff I’m describing was happening or not- what is clear to me, looking back, is I needed to find more ways relieve some of the stress I was carrying- related to grief, work, marriage, school, etc. I needed more things I could look forward to in life. I subsequently found photography- that has been a big outlet for me. Brittany and I found more ways to get me some alone time so I could recharge my batteries- that has been huge.

What things actually help you de-stress? Read that closely- I’m not asking: what things do you think will help you de-stress (but they never actually help). I’m asking what actually helps? These are often different things.

Are You Living Like the Person You Want to Be?

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Accidental releases of tension provide a few minutes of relief, but they never satisfy us in the long run.

Our unconscious, external reaction to inner turmoil represents an accidental release of tension.  When we aren't aware of what lies beneath the surface, and when what lies beneath the surface is deeply uncomfortable, we need some release from our discomfort.  All too often that release takes the form of an unhealthy (and unhelpful) outburst over something totally unrelated to the inner turmoil beneath the surface.  

Yesterday we gave the example of fighting over the cleanliness of the house when dealing with the grief of loss.  Grief (the response to an encounter with absolute powerlessness) lies beneath the surface, but it manifests itself as an out-of-the-blue fight over something relatively meaningless and completely unrelated to the core issue.  

Why do I mention this in the context of a conversation on control?  

The accidental release of tension serves as an unconscious effort to gain control while we battle absolute powerlessness beneath the surface of things.

When we feel most out of control we are, at the same time, most likely to exert control in some other area through an unnecessary display of force.  

Scott’s Scott Critique:

Again, I don’t necessarily disagree with what I wrote above, but I would rephrase it if writing it again today (which I am, and will). I didn’t need to talk about control here in order to make my point: it’s important to confront the difficult emotions we have as a result of whatever life throws at us. When we don’t do this, yes, there are unintended consequences. But, in this case, I think it’s okay to say the problem was lingering grief that needed more attention (as opposed to control issues). 

The biggest question, in my mind, when assessing ourselves, is: Am I living like the person I want to be? In the above example, I was referring to my frustration that often comes out over cleanliness. Regardless of whether we clean house how I’d like, or if I have dealt with my grief or not, I don’t want to be a person who takes his frustration out on his wife or his kitchen (or, now, my child). So, if I’m not acting like who I want to be…what do I want to do differently? 

Or, for you, if you’re not acting like who you want to be…what do you want to do differently? 

Can you see anything you’d like to change?

From Powerlessness to Acceptance

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

When we protect ourselves from uncomfortable truths we simultaneously prevent ourselves from discovering the appropriate response to our circumstances because we are not aware of even the need to respond.  Instead we live in reactivity, which is to say, we live un-consciously, allowing our response to the experience to remain hidden from view while our reactions wreak havoc in other unrelated areas.  

For example, we may argue with a partner over the house being dirty to release uncomfortable emotions hidden beneath the surface.  In reality, the only way to release (or let go of) the grief (or whatever uncomfortable thing you're coping with) beneath the surface is to acknowledge and sit with the grief.  When we aren't aware of how powerless we are, or when we fight our encounter with powerlessness, we commit ourselves to the ongoing insanity of letting out the tension beneath the surface only accidentally (as in the dirty house example).  

Accidental releases of tension provide a few minutes of relief, but they never satisfy us in the long run.

2021 Scott thoughts on Scott:

My biggest thought as I continue to read these is how mean I sound in print. Someone should have told me! (Just kidding. No blame shifting here.)

These days I really prefer the term acceptance to powerlessness. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the term powerlessness, of course, it’s just a word. And it happens to be a word with a long and fruitful history in recovery circles. 

I still struggle with reactivity- just as I did when I originally wrote this post. I am improving in the acceptance department though- and this really helps. 

Let’s be honest- a bulk of my conflict (and therefore reactivity) happens in marriage because it’s my “biggest” relationship. One of the other things I see happening over time is that I feel safer as time goes on. I learn that disagreements get resolved, I learn that Brittany and I can work to prioritize each other’s needs, and so on. It can’t be overstated how important a sense of “life safety” is- a sense that you’re seen, understood, and cared for, in managing stress, anxiety, reactivity, and so on. 

So rather than putting all the responsibility on ourselves to be less reactive, perhaps we should also consider prioritizing safe relationships.