Why Do Men Think it is OK to Kiss Women Who Aren't Their Wives?

Lately I've been struck by the number of news reports about men kissing women without their permission. On both sides of the political aisle, among the rich and famous who are not political, doctors, priests, pastors, athletes and therapists. Evangelists. People's relatives. You name it, whatever the role, there is someone out there who has been caught with their hands in someone else's cookie jar. No political persuasion or profession is spared from the relentless opportunity to take notice of all the men (and occasional report of women) who think it is ok to kiss, fondle and grope people without permission . I do not understand this; it baffles me. My grandchildren have a better grasp on body boundaries than this. Which reminds me of a funny story, totally not related to the topic, but what the heck.

When my son Michael was in preschool his beloved teacher Mr. Coley did a typical and lovely beginning to the Sunday school year. He took a long roll of butcher paper and traced the bodies of each of the children. As Mr. Coley was moving up one leg and around to the other, Michael said, "Watch out, Mr. Coley, do not touch the family jewels." I went to visit Wayne towards the end of his life. The first thing he recounted when he saw me was the "don't touch the family jewels" story. Oh, how lovely it is to remember moments of innocence and joy.

Ok, back to the blog. I continue to be puzzled by all the folks who cannot seem to keep their hands off of others' jewels but I do like what Dr. Willimon says on the subject of learning how to be faithful. In his funny, humble way he told the listeners tuned into his podcast interview (Everything Happens Episode 23) with Kate Bowler that as a young husband there were times when he did not feel like being faithful. But he had pledged vows that called for faithfulness. So he acted the part. When he did not feel like being a faithful husband, he remembered - act the role of faithful husband. He said this brilliant thing, "You act the role in order to assume the role." Then, he reports, you wake up one day and you're not having to try to be faithful anymore. Faithful is who you have become by fulfilling the role that has been assigned to you. This applies to the role of spouse, parent, employer or employee - whatever the role, that is your calling. I love his candor AND I love his vision.

I wonder how many men and women caught up in scandals that tarnish their reputation would have avoided such outcomes if they had simply done this: act the role in order to assume the role.

One Action Cannot Destroy a Reputation

If one action cannot destroy a person’s reputation, as we suggested yesterday, then we must learn a few skills. One, as we said before, we must learn our own triggers. Two, we must become disciplined at evaluating who people prove themselves to be over time.

As for number one- we will not be able to avoid being triggered. We will always have triggers in life, and they may change over time, but there is no way to completely avoid them. What we can do, is learn how to pay attention to them and, when we learn what to pay attention to, we can, over time, learn different kinds of responses to them.

The way to know when you’re triggered is to use the gift of hindsight to evaluate when your emotional response to a situation was entirely too strong. This is going to require some serious honesty, self-reflection, and non-defensiveness. Once you’ve learned that you were triggered, you need to then spend time figuring out what exactly caused the overly-heightened emotional reaction.

In the example of Tim and James from a few days back, the trigger was actually a broken promise, not a “lie.” The broken promise led to the accusation “liar” because of Tim’s sensitivity to broken promises. It would then be his work to figure out why he’s sensitive to broken promises and, more importantly, to make a mental note of the fact that he’s sensitive to that. It would also be important, going forward, for Tim to make mental notes about the times in which people promise him things and to practice thinking through what might happen if they break that promise. This way he can be prepared for his trigger which may help him respond differently.