Day 24: Celebrating the Joys of Others

When I have an opportunity to talk with young couples I try not to give a bunch of advice. After all, really, what do I know? I only know my marriage. But one thing I try to always point out is that personal satisfaction and joy are inside jobs.

We appreciate the moments when we have intense feelings of satisfaction and joy. Clearly we experience this internally. Today, I want to ask you to pause and breathe deeply – you’ll need the oxygen. I want you to plunge into the deep end of the pool of consideration. Think about moments of satisfaction and joy…were they really inside jobs? Or were they the by-product of comparing yourself to another and believing that you “won”?

People with prepositional problems (to and for confusion) unconsciously (perhaps) confuse life satisfaction with winning. Only when a winner can be declared, and that winner is self, does a feeling of satisfaction and joy overtake the restless heart of one who is prepositionally perplexed. Paul writes about this in the book of Galatians when he writes that acquiring satisfaction and joy is not a competition – it is the result of living one’s true in-Christ self…figuring out who we are and why we exist. As we experience God and ourselves and others within the framework of love, we discover what we are responsible for and who we are responsible to.

And this is really stunningly great news. When those we are responsible to thrive, we can experience the joy of knowing that we contributed to their experience. Clearly, learning how to live with the burden of caring more about others than our own success is hard work. But think. Think long and hard. If our purpose is loving others well, imagine all the opportunities we have waiting for us – chances to celebrate over the joys of others not just self.

This in no way suggests that we should ignore our own needs. In fact, just the opposite. We must take responsibility FOR ourselves - our care and feeding, education and fitness SO THAT we are filled to the brim with the resilience and stamina required to love others well.

As we calendar our time between now and the New Year, can each of us find some time for self-reflection? Maybe consider how we may show up for others and what it would take to acquire a level of fitness for that work. Or, if we are suffering, maybe our work is allowing others to show up for us.

Day 24: Celebrating the Joys of Others

When I have an opportunity to talk with young couples I try not to give a bunch of advice. After all, really, what do I know? I only know my marriage. But one thing I try to always point out is that personal satisfaction and joy are inside jobs.

We appreciate the moments when we have intense feelings of satisfaction and joy. Clearly we experience this internally. Today, I want to ask you to pause and breathe deeply – you’ll need the oxygen. I want you to plunge into the deep end of the pool of consideration. Think about moments of satisfaction and joy…were they really inside jobs? Or were they the by-product of comparing yourself to another and believing that you “won”?

People with prepositional problems (to and for confusion) unconsciously (perhaps) confuse life satisfaction with winning. Only when a winner can be declared, and that winner is self, does a feeling of satisfaction and joy overtake the restless heart of one who is prepositionally perplexed. Paul writes about this in the book of Galatians when he writes that acquiring satisfaction and joy is not a competition – it is the result of living one’s true in-Christ self…figuring out who we are and why we exist. As we experience God and ourselves and others within the framework of love, we discover what we are responsible for and who we are responsible to.

And this is really stunningly great news. When those we are responsible to thrive, we can experience the joy of knowing that we contributed to their experience. Clearly, learning how to live with the burden of caring more about others than our own success is hard work. But think. Think long and hard. If our purpose is loving others well, imagine all the opportunities we have waiting for us – chances to celebrate over the joys of others not just self.

This in no way suggests that we should ignore our own needs. In fact, just the opposite. We must take responsibility FOR ourselves - our care and feeding, education and fitness SO THAT we are filled to the brim with the resilience and stamina required to love others well.

As we calendar our time between now and the New Year, can each of us find some time for self-reflection? Maybe consider how we may show up for others and what it would take to acquire a level of fitness for that work. Or, if we are suffering, maybe our work is allowing others to show up for us.

A Thimble-Full Goes a Long Way

I wonder if sometimes the only thing standing between me and a complete nervous breakdown is a lack of time to schedule it. Usually when I find myself acting freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional, I realize that I’ve outrun my coverage. You know what I mean? All the tools, resources, spiritual disciplines and structures that support my sanity, spirituality and recovery get depleted and suddenly I feel naked and alone, left to my own devices. This is never a good look.

Brokenheartedness is under-rated. As much as we all want to avoid it like those extra pounds that gather on our bodies after holiday feasting, brokenheartedness serves a purpose. It reminds us of what we need and allows us to loosen our grip on all the things we clutch onto as half measures.

When we are in need, we often search for things we want. Our needs are never satiated by our wants. So I invite you to give yourself permission to let your broken heart speak to you. Sit quietly, listen to your disappointments. In yourself. In others. In God. In your desires, passions, and even your unmet preferences.

And then, instead of turning it into a pity party, close your eyes and breathe. Repeat after me...

You are a shield around me…

O Lord...

you bestow glory on me...

and lift up my head...

Psalm 3:2-3

Repeat until you find that sacred, quiet space within you.

Next up? Find a small way to provide a thimble-full of encouragement to someone else. You yourself do not have to feel encouraged for you are not giving away what you have, you are passing on what was given to you in this quiet space of remembering that God is for us, with us and in us.

See if that helps shift something in you. It’s ok if it doesn’t, because you can know that at least your act of kindness may have shifted something in them.

Loving as yourself

I began this series of devotionals with these questions:  If we have an ounce of love for “other” in us, or if one single human being on this planet loves us - this is the million dollar question.  What do the people we love NEED? What do we NEED? How can we help? Who can help us?

EVENTUALLY I got around to whipping out this series of verses:  

34 When the Pharisees heard that Jesus had left the Sadducees speechless, they met together. 35 One of them, a legal expert, tested him. 36 “Teacher, what is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

37 He replied, “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your being, and with all your mind. 38  This is the first and greatest commandment. 39  And the second is like it: You must love your neighbor as you love yourself. 40  All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commands.”  

~ Matthew 22:34-40 CEB

Today, let’s break it down.  When it comes to being a person whose presence matters AND a person who lives life with the quiet joy of satisfaction because life has meaning and purpose, there is no greater (albeit commonly repeated) passage of scripture than the one above.  Along the way, like Pete, we will have ups and downs and trials and tribulations, even some victories along the way as we both give and receive love.

Previous devotionals made a case for presence, specifically compassionate presence, as a key ingredient to this way of living.  But don’t we have PLENTY of examples of big fails in this area? I do!

So what gives?  What needs to change?  Haven’t we all attempted to improve our capacity to love and be loved?  I bet so. Tomorrow we pray for our collective loving selves, next week, we get into the nitty gritty details of loving well.

For today, think about the reality that we love in three arenas here on planet earth:  1. The way we love ourselves (if that freaks you out, substitute the word “respect”), 2. The way we love those closest to us (our most intimate connections) and 3. The way we love our communities (work/faith group/family/friends/common interest groups/neighbors).  

Obviously, the Matthew passage tells us that it all starts with loving God.  It even tells us how: we are to love God wholeheartedly - i.e., with our entire being.  Wholehearted loving makes it possible, even likely, that we will notice opportunities to love that will be overlooked by the casual lover.  Like the two friends who knew to contact Pete with condolences after UVA’s first round loss in the NCAA’s. This is our love source.

This is the source for the help we need to figure out how to love.  More on that in two days...tomorrow, as promised we pray for one another!

Compassionate Presence

My husband Pete and I attended the University of Virginia back when dinosaurs roamed the earth.  We have followed their sports teams with great patience and allegiance for decades. Virginia’s first round loss in the 2018 NCAA Tournament was, without question, the most heartbreaking defeat for us as fans in our UVA sports loving lives.

The sports commentators were brutal; some of our friends who cheer for OTHER teams were quick to poke fun and rub the defeat into the gaping wound.  I am sure no harm was intended; I am positive no one intended for us to take it personally.

However, the experience paired with my current passion project as a pastor (What does it mean to be transformed?) really was a punch in the gut.  Certainly the wins and losses of a sports team are not necessarily the expected venue for sacred space. Sports have their place in the world and to give them too much importance is just silly.  

But I am struggling with a larger point that goes something like this…  In both small and large ways we continue to show people who we are - for better and for worse. In the smallest of moments, our compassionate presence might make a big difference.  I might feel bad about this tendency to see everything through the lens of spiritual transformation, except Jesus had a bad habit of doing the exact same thing!

In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus said this:  

34 When the Pharisees heard that Jesus had left the Sadducees speechless, they met together. 35 One of them, a legal expert, tested him. 36 “Teacher, what is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

37 He replied, “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your being, and with all your mind. 38  This is the first and greatest commandment. 39  And the second is like it: You must love your neighbor as you love yourself. 40  All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commands.”  

~ Matthew 22:34-40 CEB

Heard it a million times, right?  Age old wisdom, right? My question is this:  if we know these verses so well, why do we continue to be so absolutely lousy at living them?  Or is it just me?

By mid-morning of the UVA debacle, Pete had received one phone call and one email from two people who, shall we say, do not usually pull for UVA.  Both expressed their sympathy for the loss of the team. Their tone seemed genuine. I would suggest to you that this was a sacred act of compassionate presence.   How did these two friends know to do this lovely thing? I think they are living a Matthew 22 kind of life. What makes their acts of kindness - which I suspect both think was no big deal - so amazing?  Because so few of us have what it takes to show up with compassionate presence. I’d further suggest that it is not rocket science, this act of showing up, so I wonder, why is it so difficult?

More on loving well and our struggles to do so tomorrow.