Friends with Clay Feet

"A leader ... is like a shepherd. He stays behind the flock, letting the most nimble go out ahead, whereupon the others follow, not realizing that all along they are being directed from behind." Nelson Mandela

Oftentimes when I think of influencers, it reminds me of folks who have learned how to look good on instagram. This is not the kind of influence that has been helpful to me. I need my people to have skin and bone on them and show up at my house or meet me for coffee. I need people who will waste time with me. I need to observe if they practice what they preach, and on the occasions when they cannot do so, acknowledge it. I like to SEE the clay feet, not just the Photoshopped version that shows up on social media. (Who named it that anyway? Is social media really SOCIAL?)

All my influencers have very clay feet, which helps me take them seriously. In my inner sanctum of trusted friends, everyone is a hot mess now and again. It turns out, that for each of our super powers, we have an accompanying limitation. When we know this, we can plan accordingly. Tomorrow, we will chat about that!

Questions for Pondering…

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

In order to become more aware of ourselves, it may also be worth our time to consider regularly asking ourselves some difficult questions about our lives:

What am I afraid of right now, in this moment?

What am I anxious about right now, in this moment?  

What am I angry about?  

What am I proud of?

What am I ashamed of?  

In what sense is my life incomplete?  

In what sense is it full?

In what areas have I failed (or am failing)?  

In what areas have I succeeded?  

These are just some ideas to get you started.  You may want to create your own list based on whatever core set of issues you have.  We all have the capacity to wrestle with each of these emotions and questions (and many more besides), but we tend to have favorites that are more likely to show up than others and more likely to stick around.  

Scott’s thoughts from the future:

I would also add: 

What brings me joy? (Either that you currently do or that you used to do and want to get back to doing)

What are some simple things that bring me pleasure?

How can I add more of these things into my life (without harming other important areas of my life)?

Following God’s Path of Love

“The fact that someone else loves you doesn’t rescue you from the project of loving yourself.”

Sahaj Kohli

Almost 60 days into a new year and I wonder how you are feeling about all the hopes and dreams you considered as 2020 wrapped up and a new year was born. Is the news still distracting you from your work? Have you gotten a bit complacent as the winter has settled in and we have been lulled into less activity by the short days and cold temperatures?

Consider this if you need a bit of incentive to rise up and get to work on following God’s path of love.

“The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for your relationship with your child, your spouse, your parents, your friends - every relationship you have. Invest in yourself so you can invest in them.”

Erica Layne

When in Self-Doubt…

“Do not belong so completely to others that you do not belong to yourself.”

John Mason

I am prone to look outside myself for authority figures I can trust because I am full of self-doubt. Others are more self-referencing, guided by an internal compass. My husband is more self-referencing. When he is noodling over a problem, he often researches, prays, and plans in his head for a long time before he mentions the issue. By the time he speaks up, he usually has a plan for solving his problem.

I’m the opposite. I like to talk things out. Part of this is related to my desire to have someone other than me make hard calls and big decisions. My “false self” who lives falsely, tells me that I am bad or stupid. My “true self” who lives truly knows that I am a grown up woman who can make my own decisions without constantly needing others to reassure me that I am not a little girl who drives a red flyer wagon through a plate glass door because she is stupid and an embarrassment to her parents.

I have had to learn to speak up and be clear: I own this problem. I will work it out. I can also recognize that it helps me to hear myself think out loud. Living in true versus false ways is a daily journey of acceptance, self-discovery and course corrections.

Offloading problems can be a lovely thing, but it is not the best strategy for growing up. Authority figures are helpful, but as we grow and mature, we have the awesome responsibility for becoming an authority on the subject matter of living our truest life. This is our work to own. It’s great to have guides and mentors, but this is, as Mary Oliver says, OUR one true and precious life!

How are you increasing your spiritual muscle and leaning into your truest life?

Committing to Self-Love

“Too many of us are overcommitting to others and under committing to ourselves.”

Erica Layne

Early on in my adult life, I was suspicious about learning how to love myself. I confused self-acceptance with selfishness. Love is not selfish. Selfishness is a survival instinct. Love is a spiritual pilgrimage.

Oftentimes on our quest for spiritual awakening, we come across this idea of the search for our true, best, most Jesus-like self. We hear that our “false self” is inferior, ego-driven and we need to somehow dethrone her before she extinguishes our true self altogether. This is what I heard the gurus saying, I’m not sure that’s the lesson they intended to teach me.

Genetic testing results came back from my health screening and it turns out I have the genetic capacity of a “high performance athlete”. Oh no! Did my false self smother my inner athlete? There is absolutely no evidence that athletics is or ever was my destiny. Did I miss my prime? Has my life been less meaningful without an Olympic medal? Of course, I’m not sure a lot of women were given the opportunity to test out their athletic potential back in my youth, but that issue aside - have my genetics revealed a small piece of my true self but lost self?

This hunt for true versus false self at times sounds awfully woo woo to me. But it isn’t.

True and false self is not a search for some missing link. Lately, I’ve been thinking it is more like this: there are true and false ways of living.

My genetics reveal has helped me adjust my workout habits to fit my genetic strengths. To workout at my optimal potential I need to make room for rest; I have the capacity for both strength and endurance - so I shoot for my potential. But my genetics is not my destiny. My capacity is an outer limit, my actual performance depends on many factors. Things like commitment, training, practice and purpose. My genetics missed something true about me: I love to read and write more than I love to deadlift.

Our search for true versus false self will not be determined by a spiritual genetic reveal. It is revealed in the learning lab of life. My work, should I choose to commit, train, practice, and pursue a spiritual purpose will ultimately reveal itself in the results of living true to my core values. This is not mysterious work but it does require both courage and humility. It requires us to pay attention and be curious about ourselves. We pay attention to what we are willing to commit, train, practice and sacrifice for. Hopefully it aligns with our core values - which we also need to pay attention to and modify as necessary to align with our purpose for living. This is how we love ourselves! We don’t settle for living a life that our genetics or culture or even our suffering dictates. We love ourselves best when we commit to knowing ourselves and knowing God. Then we live in true ways. It turns out, this means we love ourselves and others. This is our true self.