Positive Faith & Sin Part V

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:23-24, NIV

If you’re behind on these posts, click here to visit the whole blog so you can get caught up. Otherwise you might get lost. We wouldn’t want that now, would we?

Yesterday we talked about the fact that, in faith circles, it’s common to think that it’s really important to be confrontational with people about their sin patterns. We know from research done in the substance use field, however, that being confrontation with people about their foibles is more likely to make people defensive rather than contrite and deferential.

This is important information for pastors (in my opinion) and I think it should shape how we pastor. And, I should say, I wish I had known this when I began my journey as a pastor- I would have been a better one.

What I know belief is that it isn’t confrontation that helps us grow into people of God- it’s acceptance. In this case- I’m talking about the experience of being accepted by others (and by God). Being accepted allows us to feel safe and, when we feel safe, we don’t need to be defensive and we can tolerate conversations about areas where we would like to see growth and change.

This is actually the very logic of Romans 1-3 which people quite frequently get completely backwards. Here’s a rough summary:

• We all fall short of the person we’d like to be

• Therefore we have no right to judge each other

• God accepts all

• Therefore, we shouldn’t condemn each other

This section of scripture is probably responsible for more spiritual abuse than any other (I can think of a couple close competitors but we’re not going for statistical accuracy here). And yet, it’s because we miss the point.

God does accept us as we are. He draws us into his family. He offers us the opportunity to shape our lives in the pattern of his love.

That’s pretty good. And, pretty different from what we often experience.

Careful Self-Appraisal…

I failed at self-compassion but my mentors did not. They simply kept mirroring it to me until finally I believed them. They gave me gifts and said kind things to me. They backed up their feedback with data. They did not tolerate my false humility or other tricks to play small.

Here is another thing I have learned. Healing hurts. It really hurts. Our old ways of thinking, feeling and behaving no longer fit our new, changing, growing selves. There are growth pains associated and change is hard.

But here's what's harder: living life completely stressed out, inauthentically and without joy.

The strength that grows from willingness to change does not mean that everything turns out peachy and success is assured. In fact, I continue to fail regularly with great enthusiasm. The difference for me is that success and failure are not longer gauges that determine my sense of well-being.

When we are free of the sting that comes from this false notion that somehow success is required to have a good life, we are actually more prone to improve our lives. Here's how it's working for me.

Suppose I receive feedback that indicates that I did not succeed. Instead of beating myself up, and because, frankly, I don't really care that much about success anymore, I ask: "Is there more I can be doing?"

Sometimes the answer is, "I've done all I can do." This is often the answer. I accept it and move on. Other times the answer is, "I could do a little more." And then I decide if I PREFER to do so. Maybe I decide I do not prefer to do a little more because I really am not invested enough in a different outcome to put in the extra effort.

This is a constant exercise in self-reappraisal. Doing our best may not be that great, but if it is our best, it's all we've got and we are less stressed out if we accept that. I will never be a piano player in public. My playing would scare small children. But I do love practicing and it is beneficial for me. I do not consider it a waste of time because my goal is not to succeed at it.

So now, let's think about what your goals are. Consider a careful self-reappraisal. Are you wasting energy trying to be successful in areas where "good enough" is all that is necessary? Can you squeeze in more rest as you loosen the chains of achievement?

Say No to Self-Sabotage!

Self-sabotage is real. It definitely increases our stress levels. No one deliberately chooses to sabotage their life, but we do it! Here are some ways people commonly shoot themselves in the foot and then refuse medical treatment. Here are two common ones.

Self-criticism. Look we need to see ourselves honestly, but the world is going to criticize us enough - we do not need to pile on! Obviously we criticize ourselves when we fail, but women seem to be especially skilled at criticizing their own success. A consultant once gave me a compliment...and I was irritated! I waxed on about my gratitude for opportunities given, and my appreciation for working within the confines of a team. His response? "This team only cares about you insofar as you step in during a crisis." Years later, I believed him. Do NOT diminish yourself. There is a whole world that is gladly doing that for you.

Perfectionism. My friends like to tease me about my typos and such. I used to try to fix the typos so as to avoid the comments. Not anymore. Today I realize that a few typos sprinkled in with decent productivity is an acceptable "good enough." If we sweat the small stuff, we may never get to the part of life when we live LARGE and get meaningful stuff done.

Which one of these do you struggle with, or are you a super-achiever and struggle with both?

Committing to Self-Love

“Too many of us are overcommitting to others and under committing to ourselves.”

Erica Layne

Early on in my adult life, I was suspicious about learning how to love myself. I confused self-acceptance with selfishness. Love is not selfish. Selfishness is a survival instinct. Love is a spiritual pilgrimage.

Oftentimes on our quest for spiritual awakening, we come across this idea of the search for our true, best, most Jesus-like self. We hear that our “false self” is inferior, ego-driven and we need to somehow dethrone her before she extinguishes our true self altogether. This is what I heard the gurus saying, I’m not sure that’s the lesson they intended to teach me.

Genetic testing results came back from my health screening and it turns out I have the genetic capacity of a “high performance athlete”. Oh no! Did my false self smother my inner athlete? There is absolutely no evidence that athletics is or ever was my destiny. Did I miss my prime? Has my life been less meaningful without an Olympic medal? Of course, I’m not sure a lot of women were given the opportunity to test out their athletic potential back in my youth, but that issue aside - have my genetics revealed a small piece of my true self but lost self?

This hunt for true versus false self at times sounds awfully woo woo to me. But it isn’t.

True and false self is not a search for some missing link. Lately, I’ve been thinking it is more like this: there are true and false ways of living.

My genetics reveal has helped me adjust my workout habits to fit my genetic strengths. To workout at my optimal potential I need to make room for rest; I have the capacity for both strength and endurance - so I shoot for my potential. But my genetics is not my destiny. My capacity is an outer limit, my actual performance depends on many factors. Things like commitment, training, practice and purpose. My genetics missed something true about me: I love to read and write more than I love to deadlift.

Our search for true versus false self will not be determined by a spiritual genetic reveal. It is revealed in the learning lab of life. My work, should I choose to commit, train, practice, and pursue a spiritual purpose will ultimately reveal itself in the results of living true to my core values. This is not mysterious work but it does require both courage and humility. It requires us to pay attention and be curious about ourselves. We pay attention to what we are willing to commit, train, practice and sacrifice for. Hopefully it aligns with our core values - which we also need to pay attention to and modify as necessary to align with our purpose for living. This is how we love ourselves! We don’t settle for living a life that our genetics or culture or even our suffering dictates. We love ourselves best when we commit to knowing ourselves and knowing God. Then we live in true ways. It turns out, this means we love ourselves and others. This is our true self.

Who Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?

“You don’t have to be sorry for being yourself. So start loving your sarcasm, your awkwardness, your weirdness, your unique sense of humor, your everything. It will make your life so much easier to simply be yourself.”

The kissing cousin to compassion is self-acceptance. We figure out how to respect ourselves just the way we are because of our inherent worth, not because life is perfect. This does not mean that we just sit back and smoke cigars on the porch. No indeed.

Self-acceptance and compassion are the early companions of transformation. Once we accept where we are, we can choose, if we want to, to begin wrestling with where we might want to go.

One of my spiritual friends has asked for some specific support as she continues her spiritual journey. I asked her to tell me what her horizon looks like. “Huh? What did you say?” she replied.

“Your horizon. Where are you heading?”

“Oh. I hope Bermuda once this pandemic lifts.”

“Not where you are going or what you are doing,” I clarified. “I want to know your WHY for being. I want to know how you want to “BE” and “BECOME” in the future.”

She is scratching her head over the question; I look forward to seeing her response. In the meantime, how about you? Who do you want to be when you grow up?