When in Self-Doubt…

“Do not belong so completely to others that you do not belong to yourself.”

John Mason

I am prone to look outside myself for authority figures I can trust because I am full of self-doubt. Others are more self-referencing, guided by an internal compass. My husband is more self-referencing. When he is noodling over a problem, he often researches, prays, and plans in his head for a long time before he mentions the issue. By the time he speaks up, he usually has a plan for solving his problem.

I’m the opposite. I like to talk things out. Part of this is related to my desire to have someone other than me make hard calls and big decisions. My “false self” who lives falsely, tells me that I am bad or stupid. My “true self” who lives truly knows that I am a grown up woman who can make my own decisions without constantly needing others to reassure me that I am not a little girl who drives a red flyer wagon through a plate glass door because she is stupid and an embarrassment to her parents.

I have had to learn to speak up and be clear: I own this problem. I will work it out. I can also recognize that it helps me to hear myself think out loud. Living in true versus false ways is a daily journey of acceptance, self-discovery and course corrections.

Offloading problems can be a lovely thing, but it is not the best strategy for growing up. Authority figures are helpful, but as we grow and mature, we have the awesome responsibility for becoming an authority on the subject matter of living our truest life. This is our work to own. It’s great to have guides and mentors, but this is, as Mary Oliver says, OUR one true and precious life!

How are you increasing your spiritual muscle and leaning into your truest life?

Humiliation Versus Humility

The first book I ever wrote was a personal disappointment. I was in a meeting with trusted advisors immediately following its release. They asked me about my experience with the project. I replied, “Well, you know I co-authored it and I really love what my teammate wrote but I dunno, I tried really hard but do not think I contributed much to the project. I am grateful to God for the opportunity, but I see no more of these projects in my future.”

One of my friends replied, “If you do not respect your abilities why should we?”

In his way, he was pointing out my lack of humility. I had a boatload of humiliation and self-doubt but no humility. There are a host of reasons why we might feel humiliated; all of them are unhelpful. Humility accepts what is, as it is. Humiliation is an emotion felt by a person who feels somehow….reduced.

Perhaps we believe that to simply acknowledge our own effort is lame. Shame and humiliation like to hang out together. It’s likely that if we are filled with shame we cannot accept ourselves so we most certainly would never think it appropriate to believe that we are worthy of acceptance or recognition. My unreasonable expectations for myself made it impossible for me to accept my best efforts without a need to denigrate them. This attitude practically begs the listener to reassure me, encourage me and deny my own fear of failure by providing me with positive words of affirmation. This is an unreasonable demand to place on others. A simple question about a project turns into a triggered moment that ultimately reveals an area where I have more recovery work to explore.

In the meeting rooms they have a saying that folks in recovery have a propensity for simultaneously experiencing: a feeling of grandiosity along with a debilitating inferiority complex. I can relate. Others call it “egomania with an inferiority complex”. However we label it, this is a problem the Seventh Step addresses.