Wanting the Wrong Stuff

Some of my friends tell me that they grieve over things not yet lost. I get it. They realize that their spouse is not willing to work on his/her recovery and this impacts their marriage. Or they worry about a child (or children) who are struggling with mental health crises. They feel resentment when they go to a bridal shower - remembering that their daughter is in no position to be in a loving relationship, much less get married. Or they avoid the happy baby showers, because their own grandchild is inaccessible to them. These are big griefs that we don't talk about much - which makes it worse!

I don't have any words to offer up for that kind of suffering, but I do have a suggestion for reducing self-inflicted pain. Stop wanting the wrong stuff.

"I want my kid to get sober." I know you do; so do I. But that is for your kid to want or not want, this is not your "want". We can only "want" for ourselves. So maybe we decide to "want" sobriety for ourselves. Don't need it? Are you sure? Maybe a different kind of sobriety work is available for us - like working on our own recovery from wanting the wrong stuff.

"I want my spouse to...." Oh I so get that. But that is not our want. We can state our preferences, our desires, our wishes...but our spouses have to want or not want - this is not our want.

"I want my boss to..." I so get that. We spend so much of our life at work, don't we all want to enjoy the experience a tiny bit more? Yes we do. But we can only want what we can change. We can provide feedback, ask for change, but our work team has to want what it wants, or does not want. We cannot WANT someone to do something and expect anything to change.

So what do you want for you? What next? What is your next move to getting what you want?