Combatting Feelings of Unworthiness

Note to self: Quit holding on to your unworthiness. It may be familiar, but it’s not a friend. You were worthy from the day you were born, and nothing you do will ever take that away. So welcome your worthiness IN. Erica Layne

I had a friend who got into the habit of lamenting her poor parenting skills. We, her friends, got into the habit of reassuring her of her parenting prowess. The more we affirmed, the louder she berated herself. After a while, it was annoying to listen to her constant put downs.

Finally, we performed an intervention. We decided to agree with her and see what happened. If I had understood the concept of ambivalence and how that relates to change, I would have understood the situation better. None of us knew about this principle, but we somehow managed to stumble into the cure.

We were hanging out at the park and our kids were running around while we sat on blankets, happy for a warm sunny spring day. She began her lament. We started responding like this: “Wow. You know, that does sound pretty bad.” Or, “Gosh, maybe you need to get some support to help you improve your parenting skills.”

Stunned, she began to defend herself!!! After several rounds of this rodeo, she realized what was happening and she had a real moment of clarity. “Wait a second! I’m defending my parenting all of a sudden!” Yes she was.

So we told her our perspective. We talked about how tiring it was to constantly act as her booster rocket to launch her out of her parental despair. We asked her to consider two things: 1. Give up the habit of self-recrimination or 2. If you think you are that bad, get help to change.

To her credit, she did both. It was a hard habit to break, but she did it. She has raised four amazing children. But I sometimes wonder when I reflect back on those days of young motherhood - where would she have ended up if she had not been willing to accept that she was worthy of being the kind of parent she aspired to become?

What familiar old messages of unworthiness do you need to release or address?