Human Giving or Human Being?

Philosopher Kate Manne wrote in Dawn Girl: The Logic of Misogyny about a system with one class of people she called the "human givers." The human givers were expected to offer their time, attention, and affection to another group of people called the "human beings." She implied that the "human beings" had an obligation to express their humanity while the "human givers" were required to GIVE their humanity to the human beings. As we can guess, the givers were the women. I am blessed to know many human givers who are male: my husband, my sons, my nephews, my brother, both my brothers-in-law and a bunch of guy friends. But her point is well-taken. I do believe that in our culture, we are trying to address the lopsided role of "giving" versus "being" as it relates to gender differentials.

Regardless, if you feel like you are a "human giver" surrounded by "human beings" - you may be onto something pretty ugly. In the last five years, with the help of people who I learned to trust, I had to come to grips with the fact that I was not supposed to need anything. This was a pattern that was ingrained in me. My personality seems to be vulnerable to this false belief AND my family system certainly supported this belief.

Human givers are supposed to be able to anticipate the opinions and preferences of others and behave accordingly. If they do not figure out how to give the people what they want, they will be shamed, punished or even destroyed.

There could not be a more perfect plan devised to achieve a state of complete breakdown of the human spirit.

Our body, with its instinct for self-preservation, knows that giving up our preferences in favor of serving the opinions and preferences of the collective is a recipe for disaster. Our body tries to alert us to our need for change - it gets sick, has trouble sleeping, starts ruminating, has panic attacks, and loses its capacity for joy. But within the system of "human giving" versus "human being", the system is rigged to teach the helpers that they are SELFISH if they have a political opinion, or a preference, or a need to express their own anger and disappointment.

If this sounds a lot like codependency to you, you are sort of right. But that's for another day's discussion. I wonder, do you think you struggle more with giving or being?

Day 24: Celebrating the Joys of Others

When I have an opportunity to talk with young couples I try not to give a bunch of advice. After all, really, what do I know? I only know my marriage. But one thing I try to always point out is that personal satisfaction and joy are inside jobs.

We appreciate the moments when we have intense feelings of satisfaction and joy. Clearly we experience this internally. Today, I want to ask you to pause and breathe deeply – you’ll need the oxygen. I want you to plunge into the deep end of the pool of consideration. Think about moments of satisfaction and joy…were they really inside jobs? Or were they the by-product of comparing yourself to another and believing that you “won”?

People with prepositional problems (to and for confusion) unconsciously (perhaps) confuse life satisfaction with winning. Only when a winner can be declared, and that winner is self, does a feeling of satisfaction and joy overtake the restless heart of one who is prepositionally perplexed. Paul writes about this in the book of Galatians when he writes that acquiring satisfaction and joy is not a competition – it is the result of living one’s true in-Christ self…figuring out who we are and why we exist. As we experience God and ourselves and others within the framework of love, we discover what we are responsible for and who we are responsible to.

And this is really stunningly great news. When those we are responsible to thrive, we can experience the joy of knowing that we contributed to their experience. Clearly, learning how to live with the burden of caring more about others than our own success is hard work. But think. Think long and hard. If our purpose is loving others well, imagine all the opportunities we have waiting for us – chances to celebrate over the joys of others not just self.

This in no way suggests that we should ignore our own needs. In fact, just the opposite. We must take responsibility FOR ourselves - our care and feeding, education and fitness SO THAT we are filled to the brim with the resilience and stamina required to love others well.

As we calendar our time between now and the New Year, can each of us find some time for self-reflection? Maybe consider how we may show up for others and what it would take to acquire a level of fitness for that work. Or, if we are suffering, maybe our work is allowing others to show up for us.

Day 24: Celebrating the Joys of Others

When I have an opportunity to talk with young couples I try not to give a bunch of advice. After all, really, what do I know? I only know my marriage. But one thing I try to always point out is that personal satisfaction and joy are inside jobs.

We appreciate the moments when we have intense feelings of satisfaction and joy. Clearly we experience this internally. Today, I want to ask you to pause and breathe deeply – you’ll need the oxygen. I want you to plunge into the deep end of the pool of consideration. Think about moments of satisfaction and joy…were they really inside jobs? Or were they the by-product of comparing yourself to another and believing that you “won”?

People with prepositional problems (to and for confusion) unconsciously (perhaps) confuse life satisfaction with winning. Only when a winner can be declared, and that winner is self, does a feeling of satisfaction and joy overtake the restless heart of one who is prepositionally perplexed. Paul writes about this in the book of Galatians when he writes that acquiring satisfaction and joy is not a competition – it is the result of living one’s true in-Christ self…figuring out who we are and why we exist. As we experience God and ourselves and others within the framework of love, we discover what we are responsible for and who we are responsible to.

And this is really stunningly great news. When those we are responsible to thrive, we can experience the joy of knowing that we contributed to their experience. Clearly, learning how to live with the burden of caring more about others than our own success is hard work. But think. Think long and hard. If our purpose is loving others well, imagine all the opportunities we have waiting for us – chances to celebrate over the joys of others not just self.

This in no way suggests that we should ignore our own needs. In fact, just the opposite. We must take responsibility FOR ourselves - our care and feeding, education and fitness SO THAT we are filled to the brim with the resilience and stamina required to love others well.

As we calendar our time between now and the New Year, can each of us find some time for self-reflection? Maybe consider how we may show up for others and what it would take to acquire a level of fitness for that work. Or, if we are suffering, maybe our work is allowing others to show up for us.

An Opportunity to Love...

Spiritual awakenings trade one set of problems for a better set. If this doesn’t happen, what has really changed? Before recovery, I struggled with honesty and fear. Fear is often a companion with me on my own recovery journey.

Does this discourage me? Sometimes.

But here’s the thing…. My fear does not control me or require me to self-medicate through starvation. I no longer need to stick my head in a jar of peanut butter (option 2 post self-starving) to survive my worst days of carrying the message to people who often prefer I just get up off my tushy and leave the psych ward, and them, alone.

Some days I still want to say, “Dude, I could be home right now wrapped in a cozy afghan reading a good trashy romance novel. I don’t need your attitude.”

But that would not be honest and today I am all about honesty. Honestly, I do need to regularly sit on plastic chairs in a psychiatric ward. I do need to be called out late at night or early in the morning to try. Just try.

I do need their attitude. I need it to remind me of where I have been and how quickly I could return there. I need it to teach me patience. I want it to be an opportunity to listen well, love deep, and demonstrate empathy.

So when this sad, lonely stranger about to jet from her psych ward stay to go get a fix tells me to “Go the f*&^@ home.” I listen. I listen well. I get up and go. This is part of my own work, expecting nothing in return.

Addiction promises what it cannot deliver but we are far enough along this road to know - we expected it to work for us. We had expectations. I need her sassy attitude. I need reminders of what it is like to live in such a way that I require some compulsive act with absolutely no hope of it actually helping me.

The 12-step process is not, ever, selfish. It is an opportunity to love and be loved well. Not by what we do or accomplish, but as a living testament to the fact that we tried.