Striking a Balance Between Loneliness and Connection

Lately it has become one of those things that we say all the time in recovery - we need community. AND WE DO!! This is true. This is very true. But it is not the only truth.

If the opposite of loneliness is too many relationships, then that is also a concern for long term recovery - especially unhealthy relationships. Too much intense contact with others can lead to serious health problems and - in many species of animals - death. Biologists call this “intraspecific competition”. It happens when the same species becomes so over-populated in a given area that there is a scarcity of resources. This leads to infighting; the weaker of the species loses; the strong prevail.

I’m not suggesting that we need to let the strong eliminate the weak. That would fly in the face of biblical perspective. (“The meek shall inherit the earth.”) But what I am suggesting is that the work of spiritual wisdom and maturity is to behave DIFFERENTLY from the animal kingdom. We are to grow up and help the weak build stronger muscles. We mature and realize that our work includes giving those who are marginalized a hand up, a way out of their vulnerability to predatory attack. This is what differentiates us from wild beasts. In theory.

For humans, our vulnerabilities come when we suffer the negative effects of bad relationships, selfishness and immaturity. Other people - and how we interact with them - cause the strongest negative emotions that we experience. It is the “other” or ourselves who cheat and disappoint. Jean Paul Sartre wrote: “Hell is other people.” A quote I love to hate; but for some people, this is true.

The mom who wants to get her child back from social services is perhaps unaware that this child begged to NOT be returned to the home where she was regularly left alone at night and went days without a meal. Mom believes that her daughter is lonely in foster care and would be better off with her. And she would. If mom was gaining in wisdom and maturity and able to care for her kid. I can count on one hand the number of people who have lamented their loneliness over the years but me and all the people I have ever met combined do not have enough fingers and toes to count the ways we hurt others and others hurt us. Just to be clear - loneliness is not great AND it may not be the central problem we need to address in order to become stronger spiritually.

But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Matthew 6:6 NIV