Think Long and Hard About Ending Relationships

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here.

Disclaimer: This post is not referring to relationships where there is active abuse or neglect taking place. If you’re physically or emotionally unsafe, we strongly encourage you to take steps to move towards safety. If you need help figuring out next steps, please get in touch.

When it comes to ending relationships, here’s what I do. I “ghost.” You’re probably familiar with this term- but it’s one that millennial use. It basically means that you just kind of disappear without a word. Like a ghost. *This is not a good strategy.* It leaves things in limbo. It probably leaves other people confused. Worse- it’s most likely harmful.

Not everyone is this way. Some people stay in relationships for way too long before making the move that they need to make. Some people end relationships at the drop of a hat. We all have our patterns.

Given that we’re not talking about the kind of relationship mentioned in the disclaimer above, I believe another skill when it comes to living faith in a positive way is the ability to hang in with relationships even when they get tough. Actually, it might be several skill sets. Relationships go through up’s and down’s. High’s and low’s. Rough patches and smooth ones. The ability to ride out a rough patch is a skill- and one that points us towards hope. It’s a hope for that relationship (that it can be mended). It’s a hope for the other person (that they are more than just the problems we have with them). It’s also a kind of patience and endurance- trusting that this is a natural part of being alive and being in a relationship.

It’s not easy to do these things. But, if we can, we are teaching others and ourselves that we are valuable enough to wait for, to suffer with, etc. It’s a way of saying I got you, when another person might not deserve it, and trusting that someone else will be willing to say the same back one day, if we need it.

All that to say, if you can, and if it’s safe and healthy to do so, don’t end relationships too hastily. See if you can hang in there. See if you can teach another person that they are valuable beyond the present troubles. And see what good may come from that.

Choosing the Right Connections

Stressed out people often have an unmet hunger for connection, and may go looking for connection in inappropriate places. Sometimes, it's all about availability. Other times, we are not making wise choices. Who knows all the reasons we settle for relationships that do not satisfy our need for trust and authenticity?

Here are some signs to look out for:

1. If you keep asking yourself, "Am I crazy or is this inappropriate/wrong, etc.?" Find trusted advisors for a reality check, but chances are, if you are feeling crazy, someone may be gaslighting you. (Gaslighting - when someone persistently puts forth a false narrative so that you will doubt your own perceptions.)

2. If you feel "not enough." None of us are enough; we are not supposed to be enough. We are fully human. If other people keep sending you the message that you are not enough, you need new peeps! Who are our people? People who see our flaws, weaknesses and insecurities and love us because of them! Our people are the ones who do not expect us to "meet expectations." Our people are not in denial, they are just not demanding. Find your people!!

3. If you are sad. Sadness is the canary in the tunnel we watch out for. Sadness is the signal that we need to reach out and grab a hand for support.

4. If you are filled with rage. Rage is telling us to pay attention. Instead of using it for evil, find people who can help you use it for fuel to create safety and security for yourself or others.

Your Circle of Trust…

One of the hardest things for me to accept while I was trying to repair my broken self was the idea that people I love are not always trustworthy. I am the kind of person who takes a little time to decide if I can trust someone, but once I make that call, I am ALL IN. I never re-evaluate. This has caused me great distress.

To avoid having to re-evaluate relationships, I had this bad habit of making excuses for people and requiring more of myself in some relationships. By all outward appearances, it seemed that in some relationships, I would do all the "giving" and someone else was allowed to do all the "being." I rationalized this as being kind. It is not kind. It is unhealthy.

To find my way back to joy, I had to step over some dead bodies and just let them lay there. I had to do an appraisal. I had to think back and remember - is this relationship both authentic and trustworthy...or is it not. In order to thrive, we all have to make some tough calls. Some people we just have to let go of - even if we really like them, even if we understand why they are behaving as they are, even if we love them.

We must keep walking. Once we have assessed and determined this is our course, we do not ruminate over the past, we use the past to propel us forward with new tools for building and nurturing relationships.

Here's why: relationships, trusting and authentic ones, are crucial for mental health. We cannot live without them. But we need to be selective. Some people need to be let go, others need to be moved to the outside of our circle of trust. This is not judgmental, this is using discernment. This is not saying someone else is bad and we are better, it is acknowledging that, for whatever reason, we are not a good fit for one another.

Do you find it as hard as I do to admit that not everyone is our friend?

Being Responsible..

"Being responsible sometimes means pissing people off."

Colin Powell

My powerful friends who are brave and strong and run toward danger are sometimes so focused on making progress that they are remiss in communicating their vulnerabilities. They feel strong, they are strong. But even the mightiest among us sometimes needs a good nap and maybe an ice cream cone.

We all have problems and it is not only ok, it is good to acknowledge them. When we don't, we might give the false impression that others are weak in comparison.

Could this be you? What small changes could you make to express your vulnerability to your trusted peeps?

Trusting

I have a hymn I hate. I used to love to sing it; it always made me cry. But then I really thought about the lyrics and today it makes me cry thinking about ever singing it. Here goes...

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word, what a glory He sheds on our way! While we do His good will, He abides with us still, and with all who will trust and obey.

Just say no. This is not ok. It implies that he withdraws his had of support if we do not trust and obey. But the scripture says otherwise. How did Jesus handle "doubting" Thomas? He let him touch his wounds. (Read John 20 if you want the nitty gritty details.)

Now, perhaps I have giving the hymn too much grief. Let's keep going and see what you think…

Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Don't get me started. Since when does trusting and obeying guarantee happiness? You see where I'm going with this. This is tiptoeing too close to the line of living in illusion not reality. This reads like a sales pitch to me. Maybe I am too cynical….

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies, but His smile quickly drives it away; not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear, can abide while we trust and obey.

I beg to differ. How many funerals have I tended over where families have trusted and obeyed; prayed and pleaded with God to save their children from addiction or the effects of a mental illness? I've lost count. But what I do know is that the sighs and tears continue even when families trust and obey. It feels like adding insult to injury to ask these families to abandon doubt, fear, sighing and crying as an act of obedience.

"Someone gave me a cartoon of a street preacher with a sign around his neck that said, "The world is not coming to an end; therefore you must suffer along and learn to cope."

Barbara Brown Taylor, Teaching Sermons on Suffering: God in Pain p.85-86

Carry on. Cope. Just understand that suffering is not a sign of disobedience and happiness is not a guaranteed outcome of faith. I hope this helps you breathe if you happen to be suffering right now.