Combatting Feelings of Unworthiness

Note to self: Quit holding on to your unworthiness. It may be familiar, but it’s not a friend. You were worthy from the day you were born, and nothing you do will ever take that away. So welcome your worthiness IN. Erica Layne

I had a friend who got into the habit of lamenting her poor parenting skills. We, her friends, got into the habit of reassuring her of her parenting prowess. The more we affirmed, the louder she berated herself. After a while, it was annoying to listen to her constant put downs.

Finally, we performed an intervention. We decided to agree with her and see what happened. If I had understood the concept of ambivalence and how that relates to change, I would have understood the situation better. None of us knew about this principle, but we somehow managed to stumble into the cure.

We were hanging out at the park and our kids were running around while we sat on blankets, happy for a warm sunny spring day. She began her lament. We started responding like this: “Wow. You know, that does sound pretty bad.” Or, “Gosh, maybe you need to get some support to help you improve your parenting skills.”

Stunned, she began to defend herself!!! After several rounds of this rodeo, she realized what was happening and she had a real moment of clarity. “Wait a second! I’m defending my parenting all of a sudden!” Yes she was.

So we told her our perspective. We talked about how tiring it was to constantly act as her booster rocket to launch her out of her parental despair. We asked her to consider two things: 1. Give up the habit of self-recrimination or 2. If you think you are that bad, get help to change.

To her credit, she did both. It was a hard habit to break, but she did it. She has raised four amazing children. But I sometimes wonder when I reflect back on those days of young motherhood - where would she have ended up if she had not been willing to accept that she was worthy of being the kind of parent she aspired to become?

What familiar old messages of unworthiness do you need to release or address?

Looking For the Helpers

“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.”

Brene Brown

I wish we were sitting together drinking coffee and listening to the rain soothe the earth. I’m at the lake; I love a rainy day here. My temporary home sits on the edge of the earth that drops precipitously into Smith Mountain Lake. We are surrounded by trees; the rain feels like a blanket of protection and melody that restores my soul.

I needed it. Yesterday was sunny and perfect for lounging on the dock. I read a book I should not have bought. I loved it; but it stirred me up. It’s called “One True Thing”, by Anna Quindlan. It’s the story of a daughter who leaves her NY life to return home to care for her dying mother at her father’s insistence. He changes nothing about his life; he goes to work; continues his affairs; takes advantage of his children’s love for their mother by an unappreciative assumption that they will handle everything in his absence while criticizing their every move. This was not a light read. But what the story ultimately does is break the daughter’s heart and opens her up to believing that she can, that she should, that she must, create a life that fits who she is, not who she tried to be to win her father’s love.

Whether the cause is narcissism or a shame-based feeling of unworthiness - who is to say? But many of us have been so overcome by fear that we have lost sight of the light. Anna Quindlan’s character eventually recognizes all the ways that she was held and supported in life - by her mother, a teacher, her brothers, her best friend. This frees her of the fixation of chasing after the people who she meets who cannot love her (her father, bad boys, etc.).

* If you went looking for the helpers in your life, who makes your list? Notice how easily we forget them in favor of an unrequited obsession with those we wished would be there for us.