Being Responsible..

"Being responsible sometimes means pissing people off."

Colin Powell

My powerful friends who are brave and strong and run toward danger are sometimes so focused on making progress that they are remiss in communicating their vulnerabilities. They feel strong, they are strong. But even the mightiest among us sometimes needs a good nap and maybe an ice cream cone.

We all have problems and it is not only ok, it is good to acknowledge them. When we don't, we might give the false impression that others are weak in comparison.

Could this be you? What small changes could you make to express your vulnerability to your trusted peeps?

The Courageousness of Resilience

Now, every time I witness a strong person, I want to know: What darkness did you conquer in your story? Mountains do not rise without earthquakes.

Katherine Mackenett

We’ve all heard the age old saying “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” It’s wrong. Stuff that “doesn’t kill us” is survivable, but often barely. The statistics are clear even before the pandemic - our nation is suffering from a crisis of epic proportions not related to Covid - mental health and substance use disorders are rampant. Today, their toll is almost incalculable. I often wonder if we all would fare better in this time of unrest and sickness if we were more resilient people BEFORE this crisis.

I love a good storyline that involves humans rising above adversity to become...awesome, successful, amazing humans. But this plot line is more Disney movie than real life. Adversity reveals vulnerabilities and often results in anxiety and depressive disorders, substance use and abuse, inability to connect with others, failed marriages, and more.

It might be healthy and helpful to take a pause and re-evaluate. Maybe you, like me, have not taken a good look in the mirror lately. Maybe the stories we tell from our childhoods are not just wild and crazy memories to laugh over. What if they are having a negative affect on our life?

Resiliency is not the equivalent of being tough. Resiliency is the capacity to bounce back from suffering. It requires acknowledging suffering for what it is and taking actions to HEAL from the wounds that the suffering inflicted. This is a courageous but different way of thinking about strength. We need to have more conversations about how to build resilience.

Have you been strong for so long that you are worn out? Do you need permission to rest your weary body and soul? Permission granted!

Striking a Balance Between Loneliness and Connection

Lately it has become one of those things that we say all the time in recovery - we need community. AND WE DO!! This is true. This is very true. But it is not the only truth.

If the opposite of loneliness is too many relationships, then that is also a concern for long term recovery - especially unhealthy relationships. Too much intense contact with others can lead to serious health problems and - in many species of animals - death. Biologists call this “intraspecific competition”. It happens when the same species becomes so over-populated in a given area that there is a scarcity of resources. This leads to infighting; the weaker of the species loses; the strong prevail.

I’m not suggesting that we need to let the strong eliminate the weak. That would fly in the face of biblical perspective. (“The meek shall inherit the earth.”) But what I am suggesting is that the work of spiritual wisdom and maturity is to behave DIFFERENTLY from the animal kingdom. We are to grow up and help the weak build stronger muscles. We mature and realize that our work includes giving those who are marginalized a hand up, a way out of their vulnerability to predatory attack. This is what differentiates us from wild beasts. In theory.

For humans, our vulnerabilities come when we suffer the negative effects of bad relationships, selfishness and immaturity. Other people - and how we interact with them - cause the strongest negative emotions that we experience. It is the “other” or ourselves who cheat and disappoint. Jean Paul Sartre wrote: “Hell is other people.” A quote I love to hate; but for some people, this is true.

The mom who wants to get her child back from social services is perhaps unaware that this child begged to NOT be returned to the home where she was regularly left alone at night and went days without a meal. Mom believes that her daughter is lonely in foster care and would be better off with her. And she would. If mom was gaining in wisdom and maturity and able to care for her kid. I can count on one hand the number of people who have lamented their loneliness over the years but me and all the people I have ever met combined do not have enough fingers and toes to count the ways we hurt others and others hurt us. Just to be clear - loneliness is not great AND it may not be the central problem we need to address in order to become stronger spiritually.

But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Matthew 6:6 NIV