Wanting the Wrong Stuff

Some of my friends tell me that they grieve over things not yet lost. I get it. They realize that their spouse is not willing to work on his/her recovery and this impacts their marriage. Or they worry about a child (or children) who are struggling with mental health crises. They feel resentment when they go to a bridal shower - remembering that their daughter is in no position to be in a loving relationship, much less get married. Or they avoid the happy baby showers, because their own grandchild is inaccessible to them. These are big griefs that we don't talk about much - which makes it worse!

I don't have any words to offer up for that kind of suffering, but I do have a suggestion for reducing self-inflicted pain. Stop wanting the wrong stuff.

"I want my kid to get sober." I know you do; so do I. But that is for your kid to want or not want, this is not your "want". We can only "want" for ourselves. So maybe we decide to "want" sobriety for ourselves. Don't need it? Are you sure? Maybe a different kind of sobriety work is available for us - like working on our own recovery from wanting the wrong stuff.

"I want my spouse to...." Oh I so get that. But that is not our want. We can state our preferences, our desires, our wishes...but our spouses have to want or not want - this is not our want.

"I want my boss to..." I so get that. We spend so much of our life at work, don't we all want to enjoy the experience a tiny bit more? Yes we do. But we can only want what we can change. We can provide feedback, ask for change, but our work team has to want what it wants, or does not want. We cannot WANT someone to do something and expect anything to change.

So what do you want for you? What next? What is your next move to getting what you want?

Certainty is a Security Blanket...

Don’t surrender all your joy for an idea you used to have about yourself that isn’t true anymore.

Cheryl Strayed

I often ask people I Zoom with about what they want - from me, for their life, to change. It’s a serious question. Here are some of the answers I have heard this past month:

I want to get my kids back from social services.

I want to lose weight so that I can feel good about myself.

I want to save my marriage.

I want to escape my marriage.

I want to travel again.

I want to find my one true love.

I want a job so that I can move out of my parents’ house.

I want to express my passion through a job that fulfills me.

I want to take a nap or sleep through the night again.

I want my brother to talk to me.

I want my mother to not be dead so that she can see me grow up.

Sometimes I feel like the best thing I can do for others is to scavenge through their memory banks and haul out moments of joy to remind them that life is not always about what is missing. Sometimes I feel like the hardest thing I do for others is to hold up a mirror while yelling (in my head), “Do you see this? This here? Are you paying attention? You are not going to get your kids back if you keep smoking crack. Is really and truly the most important thing about you how much you WEIGH for god’s sake?” On and on my questions go. Questions I ask myself on days when how much I weigh does indeed feel like the measure of my worth. Questions I ask myself about why my baby brother and I no longer speak. Questions I ask about so many of the people I have cared about who are no longer with their loved ones - lost to life in ways that feel….preventable, unnecessary, a mistake.

It is good to dig for joy; it is also important to dig deep and confront ourselves about our notions of truth, reality, and certainty. I’m told by people who study such things that certainty is not a sign of wisdom or even maturity. It’s more like a security blanket we use to protect ourselves from hard truths and painful feelings. Let’s crawl out from under the oppression of our certainty and see what God might be willing to do for us.

Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe.

American proverb of unknown origin

Needs versus Wants

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Many of us fear that the law of scarcity is true and we will never get what we need to sustain life.  If we’ve managed to acquire some semblance of security, our fear turns to terror of losing what we have worked so hard to acquire.  This is so normal.

One of the points we attempt to make on a regular basis is this idea that God is for us.  He wants to give us stuff.  Not shiny trinkets or the fulfillment obsessions that prove distracting.  God is interested in giving us an inspired way of seeing that reflects His way of being.  It is in this sacred space that abundance takes on new and richer meaning.

In preparation for receiving this vision, I’m going to take some time today to list my needs versus my wants.  I’m going to ask myself some tough follow up questions that may include the following:

1.     Am I willing to deliberately give up my fascination with my wants for the sake of preparing myself to receive true abundance?

2.    Am I ready to do my part to participate in the work of taking care of my needs so that I am better prepared to help others who cannot provide for their own?

3.    What am I clutching onto so tight that my eyes are closed to a new and different way of evaluating my life?

I’m not super excited about this activity BUT I am extremely motivated to continue my quest for bringing my life into alignment with a God who continues to promise me rest and abundance.