Think Long and Hard About Ending Relationships

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here.

Disclaimer: This post is not referring to relationships where there is active abuse or neglect taking place. If you’re physically or emotionally unsafe, we strongly encourage you to take steps to move towards safety. If you need help figuring out next steps, please get in touch.

When it comes to ending relationships, here’s what I do. I “ghost.” You’re probably familiar with this term- but it’s one that millennial use. It basically means that you just kind of disappear without a word. Like a ghost. *This is not a good strategy.* It leaves things in limbo. It probably leaves other people confused. Worse- it’s most likely harmful.

Not everyone is this way. Some people stay in relationships for way too long before making the move that they need to make. Some people end relationships at the drop of a hat. We all have our patterns.

Given that we’re not talking about the kind of relationship mentioned in the disclaimer above, I believe another skill when it comes to living faith in a positive way is the ability to hang in with relationships even when they get tough. Actually, it might be several skill sets. Relationships go through up’s and down’s. High’s and low’s. Rough patches and smooth ones. The ability to ride out a rough patch is a skill- and one that points us towards hope. It’s a hope for that relationship (that it can be mended). It’s a hope for the other person (that they are more than just the problems we have with them). It’s also a kind of patience and endurance- trusting that this is a natural part of being alive and being in a relationship.

It’s not easy to do these things. But, if we can, we are teaching others and ourselves that we are valuable enough to wait for, to suffer with, etc. It’s a way of saying I got you, when another person might not deserve it, and trusting that someone else will be willing to say the same back one day, if we need it.

All that to say, if you can, and if it’s safe and healthy to do so, don’t end relationships too hastily. See if you can hang in there. See if you can teach another person that they are valuable beyond the present troubles. And see what good may come from that.

Careful Self-Appraisal…

I failed at self-compassion but my mentors did not. They simply kept mirroring it to me until finally I believed them. They gave me gifts and said kind things to me. They backed up their feedback with data. They did not tolerate my false humility or other tricks to play small.

Here is another thing I have learned. Healing hurts. It really hurts. Our old ways of thinking, feeling and behaving no longer fit our new, changing, growing selves. There are growth pains associated and change is hard.

But here's what's harder: living life completely stressed out, inauthentically and without joy.

The strength that grows from willingness to change does not mean that everything turns out peachy and success is assured. In fact, I continue to fail regularly with great enthusiasm. The difference for me is that success and failure are not longer gauges that determine my sense of well-being.

When we are free of the sting that comes from this false notion that somehow success is required to have a good life, we are actually more prone to improve our lives. Here's how it's working for me.

Suppose I receive feedback that indicates that I did not succeed. Instead of beating myself up, and because, frankly, I don't really care that much about success anymore, I ask: "Is there more I can be doing?"

Sometimes the answer is, "I've done all I can do." This is often the answer. I accept it and move on. Other times the answer is, "I could do a little more." And then I decide if I PREFER to do so. Maybe I decide I do not prefer to do a little more because I really am not invested enough in a different outcome to put in the extra effort.

This is a constant exercise in self-reappraisal. Doing our best may not be that great, but if it is our best, it's all we've got and we are less stressed out if we accept that. I will never be a piano player in public. My playing would scare small children. But I do love practicing and it is beneficial for me. I do not consider it a waste of time because my goal is not to succeed at it.

So now, let's think about what your goals are. Consider a careful self-reappraisal. Are you wasting energy trying to be successful in areas where "good enough" is all that is necessary? Can you squeeze in more rest as you loosen the chains of achievement?

A Person Who Pays Attention…

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Maya Angelou

Who remembers how you like your coffee? Who reminds you of the best parts of yourself? Maybe someone whose super power includes the amazing capacity to notice what we need and the willingness to meet it! These folks bring warmth into a room; they prioritize relationships. At their best, these folks improve every party and ALWAYS bring dessert.

Influencers in my life with these qualities have helped me see the value of paying attention to people - not just what they say, but what they do not say.

Could this be you? Can you think of others in your life who have this capacity and inspire you?

It’s Not Really About the Tennis Lessons…

One of the reasons Pete and I suffered with a mediocre tennis game for so long is that we were not willing to invest in ourselves. There was always something more pressing that called out for our discretionary income. Why would we old people choose to spend $40 on a tennis lesson? I mean, honestly, it is a privilege to even have discretionary income - is it right to spend it on ourselves?

Lately, we have changed the question around: why NOT spend $40 on a tennis lesson?

There is a proverb in the bible that says: He who ignores disciplines despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding (Proverbs 15:32, NIV).

An unwillingness to invest in yourself is a form of self-loathing.

Ask yourself these questions and see where you land: Do I want wisdom - and if so, in what area of my life? What am I willing to change? Who can help me and how do I make contact?

See, it's not about the tennis lessons. It's about hope. It's about belief. It's about faith. We may practice this hope, belief and faith by taking tennis lessons, which seems on its face kind of silly. But what we've discovered is that one little humble step in investing in ourselves pays dividends by expanding our horizons for the possibility of change in other, perhaps more significant areas of our life.

Not So Fast!

Technically we are still in the season of Easter and I continue to be obsessed with thoughts about both Christ's crucifixion and his resurrection. What does it all me for us, today? I know what I have heard; I continue to read and reread the scriptures....but what does it mean right now for me as an individual and our community? What difference does it make, what beliefs, thoughts, feelings and actions does it change for us today in real time?

As far as I can tell, John 12 is the most thorough recounting of what Jesus had to say about his own death. It also gives us a glimpse into the thought life of Judas - which has resulted in endless speculation over the years since. You'll remember that in the beginning of the chapter Lazarus (recently raised from the dead) and his sisters had Jesus over for dinner in their home. Martha served. Mary came in and anointed and massaged Jesus' feet with a pricey jar of aromatic oils - and Judas complained about the expenditure, suggesting that this money would have been better spent on the poor.

John does not leave us to wonder about the motivations of Judas because he adds, "He (meaning Judas) said this not because he cared two cents about the poor but because he was a thief. He was in charge of their common funds, but also embezzled them." (John 12:6, The Message). This clears up any confusion we might have about the motivations of Judas!

Jesus rebukes Judas and explains Mary's actions like this: "Let her alone. She's anticipating and honoring the day of my burial. You will always have the poor with you. You don't always have me." Ouch. Again, John 12:7-8, The Message

Here is what we know: Jesus is not clueless. He understands what is about to go down. "She's anticipating and honoring the day of my burial." He is also capable of prioritizing values within the framework of context. Jesus time and again teaches us to care for the marginalized, the neglected, the downtrodden, the imprisoned. And. He continues to need to guide his disciples and those who love him into the light. Jesus is not 'cause' driven so much as he is committed to his relationship with God, his father. And. He has choices.

He could choose to consider his own impact so vital that he does what it takes to hold onto his life and public ministry OR he could continue to remain faithful to the message his father asked him to deliver. We know what he chose.

I personally love that God breathes life into dry, dead bones. But this harder truth is still true - God also asks us to sacrifice, lay down our life for a friend, take the road less traveled. In a world that increasingly values individualism and loving those who agree with us, how can we ignore the road Jesus chose? He suffered. He suffered for people who were not willing to join him in suffering. Lazarus, who kept dipping his fingers into the offering plate. The crowd who chose to crucify Christ over the thief; his followers who shrunk back in fear once Jesus' fate became apparent. Peter, who for all his bravado ultimately denied Jesus three times. This is not who "they" are, this is who "we" are.

What's our next move?