The Gift of Guilt

"I'll never get over my guilt," is a sentence I hear often from parents who have suffered the traumatic loss of a child (and all losses of children are traumatic - even if they are grown up when we lose them).

If we stay in this place of ruminating over our regrets and guilt, we are spared a bit from the acknowledgement of all our loss. Maybe it is easier to talk about our feelings of guilt than it is to live with the reality of all the things that will not happen now that they are gone.

It is all HARD. Guilt is crushing; mourning is like having heart surgery without anesthesia - every damn day.

But here's the thing - guilt is not really a gift unless it is true, legitimate wrongdoing - if that is true, then we know how to proceed: ask for forgiveness and make amends. However, it is usually not the whole story. Sometimes we give ourselves too much credit for what we perceive we can (or should) control. Secondly, it is expensive. Unremitting, unresolved feelings of guilt steals the present moment. It takes us away from the living.

Guilt, the lying little bugger, tells us that it serves as a living tribute to the loss. But guilt really just keeps stealing from the living. Guilt asks us to keep dying for our dead - and that sounds noble, even preferable to our grief over another's passing.

But what if there is another way? What if we acknowledge the specifics of what we cannot undo that was 'wrong' and refuse the offering of a generalized guilty feeling with no legitimate claim to reality? We acknowledge our legitimate wrongdoing and seek forgiveness, make amends. If we find that some of the beliefs that we have held about our guilt are simply not true, then we must move forward. We live. We live to honor the lost. We live well for those among us, our other children, our family that is still present for us to love well.

These are not easy things nor are they appropriate first responses for someone new to grief. But if we find that our grief is interfering with our love for others - maybe it is time to re-evaluate the ways we have thought about our loss. Maybe we need a grief counselor or a grief group to help us reframe our habitual way of thinking about our suffering.

Maybe we need some support for healing.

What if You’re Wrong?

Jesus showed us that we need to open our minds to think differently (the parables are all written to shock the listener into a new way of seeing, or what about when Jesus said, "you heard it said but I say unto you"...), we need to make different choices (love your enemy he said, visit Samaria he encouraged, love God more than your family is suggested, etc.), that we need to not just assume a feeling is a fact (fear not the angels keep telling us)... We need to get way more curious about things we believe we are right about and the things we think others are wrong about.

Here's my favorite question I hate to ask myself, "What if I am wrong?"

I'd suggest that each of us take a thought, belief, feeling or action that we THINK we are right about and turn it on its head. Let's ask ourselves - what if we are wrong? Go looking for the counter-position. Study it. See what you can learn. But remember - we have to be willing to start from the position of possibly wrong, not a defensive position of condescension.

Uncomfortable Closeness

We do not need the news accounts about famous men kissing women against their will to know that physical boundary violations are common place. It's called assault (and worse) but when we experience it, we may not realize that it is happening. It's not usually a stranger who crosses these physical boundaries; the offending relative does not always appear creepy.

It can be a trusted grandfather (or grandmother), a sibling, or parent. Stroking, hugging, touching, even tickling - anything that feels uncomfortable is a violation. Few children tell. Is the problem in need of a solution to form better physical boundaries? That would be helpful.

But what is even more crucial is for all of us to foster in ourselves and others healthy emotional boundaries. For my junior prom, I went with a guy I barely knew. Mistake #1. But my friends really wanted me to be there and in 1973, that required a date. He had a purple corvette and it matched my dress - I liked that. He seemed nice enough as I got to know him. But on prom night we both had very different expectations. We were not out of my neighborhood before he pulled out a bottle of alcohol and began his pre-party preparations. This was not ok with me.

That guy crossed a boundary and I was exercising my right to say no. I ended up going home with a different, lovely friend (whose own date soon hooked up with my date). All is well that ends well. But why was I willing to put up such a strong boundary so quickly with a guy whose really cool car matched my dress?

For whatever reason, I had strong emotional boundaries in that moment. My strong feeling of discomfort out-weighed any other considerations.

Even afterwards, when the switcharoo was the talk of the school and my parents, who chaperoned, were totally freaked out when they saw my date leave with another, none of that bothered or embarrassed me. No angst. I was at perfect peace - and had a lovely, lovely time.

It turns out that our feelings provide us with lots of guidance if we listen carefully; they also connect us with meaning. I was willing to ride home with my befuddled parents if absolutely necessary, but I was not willing to step into that purple corvette with a guy who was going to drink his way through the evening. No way. Not going to happen. My core values, my self-image, my beliefs? I could not tell you any of them at that time. But I had a feeling and I went with it. No I did not want a drink. No I did not want to go to his friend's house before prom. His response, "I had a feeling you were that kind of girl." Yep. Even he had feelings!

When we do not have strong emotional boundaries, we cannot execute on our appropriate physical boundaries. Young girls who do not feel safe and secure within their family are not going to feel equipped to squeal on Uncle Jimmy with the wandering hands. If we want our kids to learn how to protect themselves in the physical world, it is important to figure out how to support healthy emotional boundaries. If we keep beating ourselves up for making poor, inexplicable choices, stop that! Instead, consider the possibility that it is time to explore the wellness of our own emotional boundaries.

Not So Fast!

Technically we are still in the season of Easter and I continue to be obsessed with thoughts about both Christ's crucifixion and his resurrection. What does it all me for us, today? I know what I have heard; I continue to read and reread the scriptures....but what does it mean right now for me as an individual and our community? What difference does it make, what beliefs, thoughts, feelings and actions does it change for us today in real time?

As far as I can tell, John 12 is the most thorough recounting of what Jesus had to say about his own death. It also gives us a glimpse into the thought life of Judas - which has resulted in endless speculation over the years since. You'll remember that in the beginning of the chapter Lazarus (recently raised from the dead) and his sisters had Jesus over for dinner in their home. Martha served. Mary came in and anointed and massaged Jesus' feet with a pricey jar of aromatic oils - and Judas complained about the expenditure, suggesting that this money would have been better spent on the poor.

John does not leave us to wonder about the motivations of Judas because he adds, "He (meaning Judas) said this not because he cared two cents about the poor but because he was a thief. He was in charge of their common funds, but also embezzled them." (John 12:6, The Message). This clears up any confusion we might have about the motivations of Judas!

Jesus rebukes Judas and explains Mary's actions like this: "Let her alone. She's anticipating and honoring the day of my burial. You will always have the poor with you. You don't always have me." Ouch. Again, John 12:7-8, The Message

Here is what we know: Jesus is not clueless. He understands what is about to go down. "She's anticipating and honoring the day of my burial." He is also capable of prioritizing values within the framework of context. Jesus time and again teaches us to care for the marginalized, the neglected, the downtrodden, the imprisoned. And. He continues to need to guide his disciples and those who love him into the light. Jesus is not 'cause' driven so much as he is committed to his relationship with God, his father. And. He has choices.

He could choose to consider his own impact so vital that he does what it takes to hold onto his life and public ministry OR he could continue to remain faithful to the message his father asked him to deliver. We know what he chose.

I personally love that God breathes life into dry, dead bones. But this harder truth is still true - God also asks us to sacrifice, lay down our life for a friend, take the road less traveled. In a world that increasingly values individualism and loving those who agree with us, how can we ignore the road Jesus chose? He suffered. He suffered for people who were not willing to join him in suffering. Lazarus, who kept dipping his fingers into the offering plate. The crowd who chose to crucify Christ over the thief; his followers who shrunk back in fear once Jesus' fate became apparent. Peter, who for all his bravado ultimately denied Jesus three times. This is not who "they" are, this is who "we" are.

What's our next move?

Permission to Feel Your Feelings…

“Don’t trade your authenticity for approval.”

Unknown

Recently one of my kids had to have a tough conversation with someone they love. My kid shared feelings - big feelings, hurt feelings. This kid is a true McBean, talking about feelings is not really our thing and yet my kid did.

If no one has given you permission to go big with your feelings - here is your chance to receive permission. It is ok to be THAT PERSON. The one who has to say - Hey, I’m feeling very hurt AND I love you - so it makes it a bit harder. Sometimes you have to say that LOUD. And when you do, you will find out who can hold your authenticity. And that is extremely important information.

Find your tribe; the people who give you space to be your saddest, maddest, loneliest self. Find your tribe; the people who love you back. And then you will find the beauty of shared unconditional positive regard - so much better than trying to figure out how to win approval.

Go be you and use that experience to guide you into new insights about who you want to become!