Positive Faith and Sin Part II

Read yesterday’s post before reading this. It’ll help.

People tend to be afraid that talking about faith positively means you’re unwilling to face the “hard” parts of faith. To be honest- that makes me either eye roll or laugh depending on how generous I’m feeling (and I’m not usually feeling generous).

So let’s just go there.

What is sin?

Well, in the Bible anyway, it’s a few different things. 1. It’s a force that is active in the world that opposes God’s plan to bring creation totally in line with his values (compassion, patience, mercy, love). 2. This is kind of a continuation of 1, but, the force that opposes God’s plan that is somehow within each of us. 3. A specific action that does not line up with God’s plan. Let’s unpack each of these three a little further (but I’m not going to go into great detail).

There’s an impersonal component to sin because it’s something outside of ourselves that we all battle and this force can pull us away from our certain way of seeing and being in the world. In other words, sometimes we live “in sin” because we’ve been influenced by sin.

There’s a personal component of it as well. Pay careful attention to how I preface this next sentence. Without some guidance, help, support, affirmation, or love, we do not instinctively put God’s love on display in our lives. I believe this is, practically speaking (not so much theologically speaking), what it means to live in sin. It’s when we are unable to prioritize reflecting God’s love to the world around us. We are more than capable of doing it- but we need the love and support of others in order to get there (in addition to the love of God, naturally).

The third component of sin is something I’m not particularly interested in unpacking. The individual actions that we do flow out of something that happens in 1 or 2 and, as a general rule, people are not particularly confused about the specific for instances of when they do not reflect God’s love.

I tend to believe that focusing on creating a community that fosters love, support, affirmation, admiration, and more, will create the environment we need to better reflect God’s love. That needs to be our focus in order to take sin seriously.

I’ll say more tomorrow.

Choosing the Right Connections

Stressed out people often have an unmet hunger for connection, and may go looking for connection in inappropriate places. Sometimes, it's all about availability. Other times, we are not making wise choices. Who knows all the reasons we settle for relationships that do not satisfy our need for trust and authenticity?

Here are some signs to look out for:

1. If you keep asking yourself, "Am I crazy or is this inappropriate/wrong, etc.?" Find trusted advisors for a reality check, but chances are, if you are feeling crazy, someone may be gaslighting you. (Gaslighting - when someone persistently puts forth a false narrative so that you will doubt your own perceptions.)

2. If you feel "not enough." None of us are enough; we are not supposed to be enough. We are fully human. If other people keep sending you the message that you are not enough, you need new peeps! Who are our people? People who see our flaws, weaknesses and insecurities and love us because of them! Our people are the ones who do not expect us to "meet expectations." Our people are not in denial, they are just not demanding. Find your people!!

3. If you are sad. Sadness is the canary in the tunnel we watch out for. Sadness is the signal that we need to reach out and grab a hand for support.

4. If you are filled with rage. Rage is telling us to pay attention. Instead of using it for evil, find people who can help you use it for fuel to create safety and security for yourself or others.

Your Circle of Trust…

One of the hardest things for me to accept while I was trying to repair my broken self was the idea that people I love are not always trustworthy. I am the kind of person who takes a little time to decide if I can trust someone, but once I make that call, I am ALL IN. I never re-evaluate. This has caused me great distress.

To avoid having to re-evaluate relationships, I had this bad habit of making excuses for people and requiring more of myself in some relationships. By all outward appearances, it seemed that in some relationships, I would do all the "giving" and someone else was allowed to do all the "being." I rationalized this as being kind. It is not kind. It is unhealthy.

To find my way back to joy, I had to step over some dead bodies and just let them lay there. I had to do an appraisal. I had to think back and remember - is this relationship both authentic and trustworthy...or is it not. In order to thrive, we all have to make some tough calls. Some people we just have to let go of - even if we really like them, even if we understand why they are behaving as they are, even if we love them.

We must keep walking. Once we have assessed and determined this is our course, we do not ruminate over the past, we use the past to propel us forward with new tools for building and nurturing relationships.

Here's why: relationships, trusting and authentic ones, are crucial for mental health. We cannot live without them. But we need to be selective. Some people need to be let go, others need to be moved to the outside of our circle of trust. This is not judgmental, this is using discernment. This is not saying someone else is bad and we are better, it is acknowledging that, for whatever reason, we are not a good fit for one another.

Do you find it as hard as I do to admit that not everyone is our friend?

We Can All Take the Journey

Constructive criticism in the early years of our community's formation was not limited to our visitors with church backgrounds. The local mutual aid societies were not exactly jumping up for joy to hear that a person who was not in recovery from an addiction was facilitating meetings for people who were or wanted to be and their families. I heard it over and over, "We're watching you." This did not feel like a warm endorsement.

"You know, young lady, everyone knows that it takes one to know one. I know you're trying, but you need to get back to big church and bake some cookies. We've got all the drunks and druggies covered." But what about their families? What about the ones for whom the 12-Steps are not working as a recovery path? Fortunately for me, I did not think that I was able to be all that helpful; I just thought somebody needed to do something to try to address these needs in a way that was supportive of those who were struggling.

Over the years we have formed some lovely relationships with the recovery community. After a little hazing, we eventually were granted entrance into the community with a common goal - encourage the hurting people who are searching for answers to a disease that is cunning, baffling and deadly. We must be aware of the danger of thinking that being of service is the equivalent of finding a life of meaning. Service to others can be a slippery slope. It can be condescending. It can also be toxic.

One of the things I learned, sadly, while I was melting down from the stress of my life, was that sometimes people see me as a caricature, not a human. They have ideas about what a pastor "should" do or not do, "should" preach on or not address, on and on and on. My work is to notice that and respond accordingly. These are people I can love and even serve, but these are not the voices that support my being. That's ok, I've got those bases covered. But it is extremely important for all of us, if we are going to close our stress cycles, to get real about who contributes to stress in our life and who mitigates it.

Joseph Campbell, known as the father of the "Hero's Journey" framework, talked about women and their role in such a journey. He said this, "Women don't need to make the journey. In the whole mythological journey, the woman is there. All she has to do is realize she's the place people are trying to get to." Ugh, sorry Joey, no.

Women are not a place; men are not the only gender that gets to embark on a journey. Stress is not created by people telling us what to think, do, believe and feel. Stress builds when we believe what people tell us without trusting what we know about ourselves.

Closing the Stress Cycle with Positive Interactions!

Prior to the pandemic, I (and I imagine a lot of you) had a healthy dose of positive social interaction. I'm not a social butterfly, but life was full and rich with people points of contact. From church to my barista buddies, I had friendly conversations with people, in person, multiple times per day. People who have these kinds of interactions daily are happier because....this helps close the stress response cycle.

The body notices. The brain thinks, oh hey, look, no one is yelling or pulling a knife! All is well! But post pandemic, all is not well. I went to get my hair cut for the first time post pandemic and overheard a woman talking about her lazy pastor because her pastor did not figure out how to do parking lot church. And that lazy pastor was me! Imagine my surprise. (We do not actually have a parking lot; our building is in an office complex.)

The place I go to relax and receive pampering all of a sudden did not feel so safe. And this is a systemic problem for all of us. Family gatherings can be tense for many families, but now we worry about spreading the coronavirus to grandma; our substance abusing loved ones are abusing more, not less; our families are divided red and blue when we all should be pulling together, not apart.

One of the main "stress cycle closing" activities - positive social interactions - has turned into family feud. No wonder we are all so stressed!

What could you do to reduce the stress of another person through a positive interaction? Plan for it! Execute the plan - our collective wellbeing depends on us getting our social wellness back on track!