Listening Well

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here to get caught up.

Part of living out our faith in a positive way is to create, build, and sustain meaningful connections with others. In so doing we reflect the image of God and, hopefully, pass some of his love on to the world around us. A huge part of establishing connections is done through listening.

We all know at this point the old adage that goes something like, “Are you listening or just waiting to talk?”

Listening well is more than being quiet and more than being curious. It’s the process of discovering another person’s perspective through attentiveness, asking questions, and experimenting with reflecting what you hear to see if it resonates with the other person. Good listening isn’t just hearing what’s there- it’s a collaborative process where the speaker, too, discovers more about themselves than what they’ve been saying.

If you’re not sure where to get started, try this. After someone shares something with you about themselves, say something like, “Let me see if I’ve got this right…” and then summarize what you’ve heard in your own words. This will allow the other person to clarify anything that hasn’t quite landed or to affirm that you’ve gotten things right- which means they will feel validated.

Think Long and Hard About Ending Relationships

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here.

Disclaimer: This post is not referring to relationships where there is active abuse or neglect taking place. If you’re physically or emotionally unsafe, we strongly encourage you to take steps to move towards safety. If you need help figuring out next steps, please get in touch.

When it comes to ending relationships, here’s what I do. I “ghost.” You’re probably familiar with this term- but it’s one that millennial use. It basically means that you just kind of disappear without a word. Like a ghost. *This is not a good strategy.* It leaves things in limbo. It probably leaves other people confused. Worse- it’s most likely harmful.

Not everyone is this way. Some people stay in relationships for way too long before making the move that they need to make. Some people end relationships at the drop of a hat. We all have our patterns.

Given that we’re not talking about the kind of relationship mentioned in the disclaimer above, I believe another skill when it comes to living faith in a positive way is the ability to hang in with relationships even when they get tough. Actually, it might be several skill sets. Relationships go through up’s and down’s. High’s and low’s. Rough patches and smooth ones. The ability to ride out a rough patch is a skill- and one that points us towards hope. It’s a hope for that relationship (that it can be mended). It’s a hope for the other person (that they are more than just the problems we have with them). It’s also a kind of patience and endurance- trusting that this is a natural part of being alive and being in a relationship.

It’s not easy to do these things. But, if we can, we are teaching others and ourselves that we are valuable enough to wait for, to suffer with, etc. It’s a way of saying I got you, when another person might not deserve it, and trusting that someone else will be willing to say the same back one day, if we need it.

All that to say, if you can, and if it’s safe and healthy to do so, don’t end relationships too hastily. See if you can hang in there. See if you can teach another person that they are valuable beyond the present troubles. And see what good may come from that.

“Give the Man a Chance”

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here.

I, like many people, am a huge fan of the movie Die Hard. I probably watch it twice a year. Once in December- because it’s the all time greatest Christmas movie, and then once in July because I just can’t wait to watch it again.

Die Hard was directed by John McTiernan- a guy with a very odd career (a story for another day). For a brief time, McTiernan knew how to make action thrillers better than anyone else. Another example is The Hunt for Red October, a movie about a disgruntled (yet highly decorated) Russian submarine commander (played by Sean Connery- with his native non-Russian accent) who tries to defect to the US with a brand-new, untraceable submarine filled with nuclear warheads.

The plot is complicated. But the simplified version is something like this: Connery can’t tell anyone on the American side that he’s trying to defect because word would eventually get back to his Russian higher-ups that the new sub is now in American hands- which would ignite a war. So, he has to leave a trail of breadcrumbs for the CIA to follow so that they can discover that he is defecting, rather than traveling to launch nuclear warheads at New York or wherever.

Only one man in the CIA gets it: Jack Ryan (Alec Baldwin). He then spends a good portion of the movie convincing his higher-ups that Connery is defecting and not starting a war.

You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you the plot of a forgotten sub movie. Well, here we go. John McTiernan liked to have a theme in mind when making movies. His theme for The Hunter for Red October is this: Give the man a chance.

Jack Ryan’s job is to convince every higher up above him to give Connery (Captain Ramius) a chance- rather than to assume he’s the threat he appears to be and to simply blow him out of the water. He begs person after person, give the man a chance.

This, to me, speaks to a very key skillset to have when it comes to trying to live our faith in a positive way. If and where you can, give people the benefit of the doubt. When our survival instincts kick in in life, they warn us of danger- even when danger isn’t there.

It’s easy to assume someone is out to get us, or trying to harm us. It’s less easy to give the man (or person) a chance.But our faith calls us to speak back into our survival instincts, to look for the good in others, and to offer the benefit of the doubt not only as an act of mercy but also as an act of imitation of Christ himself when he says, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

I believe this is Christ’s way of saying: Give the people a chance.

What helps you offer the benefit of the doubt?

Ask Clarifying Questions

If you are just seeing this post after missing a few, we’re on a mini-series on how to have positive faith- faith that is encouraging and upbuilding and not based on shame, guilt, and the like. Specifically over the past few days we’re talking about skills that help us live this out.

Today is going to be a short post- because this is something you’ve heard us talk about many times if you’ve been at NSC for any length of time.

So here goes. If and when you don’t understand something that someone is telling you, try asking some clarifying questions. Our conflict in life, all too often, is the product of miscommunication. One of the ways around this is to ask questions rather than to immediately respond.

Slow down. Hear the other person out. Ask questions if you feel yourself getting agitated. For example, “What I’m hearing in all this is ______, is that what you’re wanting me to hear?” This gives the other person the opportunity to, you guessed it, clarify.

This alone will go a long way towards having better conflict and having better conflict will undoubtedly support your move towards living faith in a more positive way.

Positive Faith: Assume the Best

How else can we practice positive faith?

Assume the best of others.

Now, if you haven’t been with me up until now then I know I will have lost you with this one. I am not kidding when I say this is hard work. But I’m also not kidding when I say I believe this is a muscle that we can stretch and grow. Assuming the best is a skill that can be learned.

And maybe assuming the best is asking too much. Perhaps we can simply start by learning not to assume the worst.

How do we do this?

When someone does something that pisses you off and your instincts kick in and tell you it’s because they don’t actually care about your or want to create your downfall or some such thing, follow these steps:

1. Take the time to brainstorm some alternatives. Why else could they be doing this? Might it be just simple carelessness? Might it be an accident? Maybe something happened in their life that threw them off their game?

2. Have conversations with people when they hurt you and allow them to speak to their side of things. You will often find that your assumptions were totally off base once you hear the other person out.

This little exercise trains us, over time, to recognize that the things we assume about people are rarely spot-on- and this helps us manage our assumptions.