Who am I?

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Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.  Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

Election day 2017 was almost as traumatic as the presidential election day experience.  This time I walked straight into two dads giving each other the business while their combined tribe of five boy children watched.  I know these guys.  I know these kids.  These folks are friends; the dads have known each other since THEY were in diapers.  In a way, this familiarly on my part made the interaction MORE disheartening than the elderly lady who littered as a protest to others having a different political persuasion.

This time I wasn’t in shock; this time I wasn’t going to stand quietly by.

But what was I going to do?

That is ALWAYS the question in situations like this one. 

Let me back up and say that in a few minutes I will stop writing, jump up and run over to our “studio” (a different table in my office) and teach a webinar on DETACHMENT, CODEPENDENCY, and BOUNDARIES.  I do NOT think that if something needs doing it is always my place to do so.  I angst; I work out; I meditate; I write down things I feel and want to do and say and then burn them in my fire pit.  I teach hard things that I almost never want to abide by – but this is what it means to grow up.

It’s hard.

I am a strange bird.  I am both easily frightened and strangely aggressive when it comes to defending someone I perceive is being taken advantage of.  I am nervous and anxious almost 24/7.  I rarely feel capable but am always defensive when criticized.  My dreams are haunted with worst case scenarios and villains.  I try not to burden others with it, but there it is – it is my reality.  I feel responsible for many things that are objectively speaking NOT mine to do.  Sometimes I get in such a state about those things that I fail to notice the things I am responsible for.  Like making sure we have toilet paper in the house or turning on the stove to cook the Thanksgiving turkey.  Pray for my family.

But there is one thing that I have been doing consistently for over 30 years that I stand by unapologetically – I keep peering into God’s word to find answers to my moment-by-moment dilemmas.  I know that the bible is not a magic book of answers; I understand that it is the story of God, the story of us (to quote Sean Gladding).  I’ve read enough of it to have MORE questions than answers from the text at this point in my life.  However.  The scriptures reveal hidden mysteries and sacred truths that can guide us at least toward the light, even if on many days it seems so very pale and dim. 

To be continued…