Learning to understand coping strategies
As a child, one of the early lifelong strengths that emerged for me was a love for reading and a lot of curiosity for learning. I distinctly remember a time in elementary school when I went PAINFULLY and LABORIOUSLY over the storyline of a particular book I was reading during the family meal. No one was interested in the book or my elaborate summary. They began to call me a bookworm and tease me about the number of books I would read - per day! Ok, I probably was over the top enthusiastic.
In contrast, I could listen to my children and grandchildren ramble on FOREVER about a variety of topics. Am I always interested in PAW Patrol, socialism or the distinct tones a particular kind of walnut creates in a guitar? Do I care about amortization charts or where the University of Virginia is seeded in the NCAA Tournament? Not particularly. But people I love care about these things and my recovery has given me the gift of loving what others love as an expression of caring.
What I care about is my husband, friends, family, kids and grandkids. I study them for the pure pleasure of seeing who they are and catching glimpses of how God made them. The world will not be as fascinated by them as I am - and that’s natural too. In healthy families everyone gets a turn being heard, especially in a world that is busier shouting than listening.
When our personhood is routinely diminished or ignored, this hurts our soul. We thrive in a world that is loving and curious; we wilt under the scrutiny of belittling or neglect. We react by developing coping strategies. We perhaps set aside or hide our passions, whether it is for reading or music or physical action and adventure, in favor of acting in ways that gets us what we crave - approval, esteem, validation and security. Next up on our inventory? Ferreting out some of the habitual patterns we have developed as coping strategies!
Once you’ve made your complete inventory of emotions related to memories, go back and do two things: 1. Write a brief statement about what triggered the emotion and 2. Write down your reaction. This may take a while, no worries, plug away!
