Finding the root of our shortcomings

I have enduring vulnerabilities and so do you.  Enduring vulnerabilities are predispositions and patterns of behaving that are not in our best interest, do not reflect our core values, hide our best selves, and harm others.  These patterns are longstanding.  They resist removal.

Enduring vulnerabilities deserve our compassion because they once served a purpose that may have been helpful.  My feisty (defensive) self served me at times when my father was going ballistic.  I could shock him with my aggression and occasionally he would back down.  I appreciate how this helped me survive.  But this coping strategy is also a shortcoming when overused or mis-applied.  I have created a mostly peaceful life for myself free of bullies and the self-serving.  When I get defensive with my husband, children, work team, or the local barista who makes a small mistake, I am creating distance and disengagement from folks - which goes against all I hold dear.  Letting go of my enduring, although understandable, vulnerabilities requires that I courageously release three common needs:

1.      The need to be in control

2.      The need to succeed

3.      The need to be right

We are all “attached” to this primal need to survive which often involves control, success, and the capacity to out-maneuver our enemy.  In active addiction, we need control of our using so we can use when we need to. Our success depends on our capacity to get access to our substance(s) of choice, and our very survival means that we HAVE to be right.  We are compelled to convince anyone who pays attention that we do NOT have a problem. 

These same issues apply to our enduring vulnerabilities.  In fact, this applies even more so because our shortcomings have been around for as long as we can remember.  Think about this: our shortcomings have been around since BEFORE we started having consequences.  It is easy to make excuses about our character flaws and blame them on our circumstances.  But that is not completely true.  Although our shortcomings may become more obvious or more extreme in their expression over time, the seeds of our deficiencies have been germinating since we were young.  This is not unique to SUD sufferers.  This is true for everyone.  How has your need to control, succeed and be right fueled your own bad behaviors?