Made For Connection
You never really understand another person until you consider things from his point of view - until you climb inside his skin and walk around in it.
-Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird
It’s possible to learn from other people’s experiences without repeating the mistakes they made to learn the things they can teach us. This doesn’t happen automatically. And each of us carries around unique vulnerabilities that might limit our capacity to learn.
My husband has taught me that some people who struggle with tons of self-criticism are very sensitive to feedback or implied criticism. The speaker does not need to intend to be critical for someone else to hear them as critical. And, he has also taught me that just because a person is vulnerable to feeling attacked does not mean that they themselves are good at not attacking - unintentionally of course.
Figuring out how people tick is tricky. For example, if, hypothetically speaking, my husband is so self-critical that what he really needs is support and affirmation, why does he not particularly like words of affirmation? Makes no sense to me.
That’s the point. We do not naturally make sense to one another, even when we really really care.
So how do we get around all the confusion and complexity we each bring to relationships?
We start by developing the skill set of listening for the purpose of understanding AND the capacity to let others know we understand. This is super hard and let me be frank - you may not be great at this skill.
Oftentimes we think we are empathic, when we are not.
Try this. Ask someone you really love if they think you are a good listener. If they say yes, push further. Ask for an example. (This is a test to see if they think you are safe to be vulnerable with! Remember - it is possible to be a decent listener in a relationship where another has trouble hearing your good listening! It is possible to be a poor listener in relationships with folks who do not want to hurt your feelings. Summary: feedback is tricky.) If they say no, thank them and then go eat a candy bar, because none of us like to think that we have work to do when it comes to listening.
