Day 19: When We Know Better, We Can Do Better
One of the lost traditions of my childhood and early adulthood was time spent with my grandparents. As newlyweds, Pete and I loved visiting my grandparents in Durham, NC. These were not the same kind of visits that I remembered as a child – filled with fun times and lots of good, home cooked meals. Sadly, my grandfather developed dementia.
Pete never saw my Papa at his fast moving, quick witted, mechanically minded, athletically inclined self. Care for my grandfather wore my grandmother out. Naturally, when my grandmother knew we were coming, she was relieved to think that we could help her with some of the chores that her frail body couldn’t handle. When we arrived, she would greet us with a hug…and a list. This list was comprehensive, usually composed in order of priority – in early December, we knew that the list would include holiday decorating, gift buying and more.
As a young woman, I hated the list. I felt a shift in the relationship. I intuited that when my grandmother looked at me, she saw an elf, not her first born (and only) granddaughter. I grieved the loss of the lazy, hazy days of summer when I came to her looking for respite and care. I feared the decline of both of these vibrant, loving people. It was hard to admit to myself that I was sad. It was easier to get mad about the ding dang list.
Recently, I came across a quote from David Benner’s book Sacred Companions that helped me put some vocabulary to my experiences back then.
“In dialogue I meet you as a person, not an object. When we treat others as objects, even for benevolent reasons, we rob them of their humanity.”
Sacred Companions, David Benner, p.55
When I see my Mama in heaven, I look forward to asking her what she was really thinking way back then. I wish that I could have handled the situation differently at the time. Instead of building up resentments, I could have talked this through with my grandmother, or a sacred companion. Maybe a friend could have pointed out what I should have seen all along – it was never about the list - it was about coming to grips with loss.
As you move into the holiday season, do you have any relationships that are in an awkward transition? If so, rather than keeping your own counsel, might I suggest that you talk to someone whom you respect about what you are thinking? Best yet, if you can do so without doing harm, maybe you could risk revealing a bit more of yourself, and talking with the person you feel awkward around, to see if you can resolve an issue or two. (Certainly, any of us having this kind of conversation would get wise counsel, and make sure we are communicating carefully, so as to avoid doing our own “objectification” – but talking stuff through before a stressful time of pressured holiday interactions can avoid needless harming and future needs for amends making!)
When we know better, we can do better. If there was ever a year when we could try our best to do a tiny bit better, this is that year! People need us to try!
