God thinks you’re worth investing in
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
I was a Christian long before I could lay any claim to the experience of recovery. Sit with that. Think about the implication of that statement. We know intellectually that many Christians suffer from addictions to gambling, pornography (67% of pastors), alcohol, food, drugs and more. But do we KNOW this, and if we did understand it, what difference would it make? If turning our life over to the care and control of God "fixed stuff" we would not need a Fourth Step. This would be measurable. We would see fewer divorces, less substance abuse, fewer clicks on the computer on sketchy websites, and a significant decrease in alcohol sales. This is not what we see because turning our life over to God, as sincere and heartfelt as it may be, does NOT automatically fix anything. It hints at the possibility of what we might believe, it provides no assurance that we will change how we behave.
I guess that is why there are 12 steps, not three! Earlier this summer I spent a week in a retreat designed to help me make a searching moral inventory. No one asked the 14 of us who took this journey to be fearless. In fact, they expected us to be afraid - what they asked of us was to be courageous and do it anyway. I gave my whole-heart to this experience; it is the closest thing I can imagine to the 12 steps without the 12 steps. It was not brutal, cruel, or harsh. It was loving and thorough. No punches were pulled; not space was left between my mentor's words and the truth. It was direct and detailed in the sense that I left that week knowing the ways I was frustrating the work of God in my life AND a very clear picture of a specific kind of work that I had yet to accomplish.
In light of the image provided me on the last day of the retreat of who I AM and what I am to DO, I gladly embrace a moral inventory on MYSELF. Any inventory is frightening. Care about your weight and you will fear the scale. Care about your education and you will fear the semester's report card. Care about your faith and you will fear that you are not faithful. Care about your athleticism and you fear losing games in the arena of sports. This is normal human stuff; but I do not think it is looking through the eyes of God to evaluate our life in such a way as this, like a scared little rabbit.
The authors of the 12 steps, inspired by the scriptures, knew that inventories are not about guilt, shame, performance, manipulation and fear. This crucial principle often gets lost in the translation. It is a complete inventory. Years and years ago a guy by the name of Keith Miller described a Fourth Step like transferring a business from one owner to the next. When negotiating a buy out inventories are taken and buyer calculates the risk and reward for handing over cold hard cash for this particular business. Inevitably there are issues with the business - but ALWAYS there is an upside, or else the business would fold. No fool would buy a business that had no value!
Your inventory is taking stock of where you are right now. There are surely damaged or out-of-date parts of you that no longer work. Coping strategies that may have saved us as kids need to be discarded. This is extremely important work and will show you what not longer works for you and must be let go of. All of us know this is not easy and feels scary to even consider. This is a given but this is not the interesting part. Don't get all fascinated by all your problems, or else you are thinking like a scared little rabbit. You are not a rabbit.
Do THAT work, whatever it takes, so that you can get to the fascinating work. An inventory of the parts of you that are already functioning well, and will be essential for your future. Your life's work. Your purpose. That which will give your life meaning...
The scriptures tell us 365 times to fear not. This tells me two things: we are not rabbits and do not need to be afraid, and we are afraid even though we are not a little rabbit. God knows this. It's a paradox. Maybe we are afraid, no worries. Be courageous. Scared? Ok. Keep a running inventory anyway. Ask yourself: having turned my life over to God in whatever shape it was in when I did so, what does my life look like today and what do I need to acknowledge, what do I need help with, what vision am I to be living into? Dig deep. Don't just assume because you are this or that faith that it means you are a faithful person. You are not faithful all the time. You are forgetful - forgetful of God and forgetful of yourself. There is virtue within you. There is a particular way of seeing the world, through the eyes of faith, that is within you. Planted in you as you swam around in your mother's womb. This is not some ideology you choose to accept or reject. You are not standing in line at Starbucks trying to decide if you want a cappuccino or a specialty lemonade. You are a tiny, but priceless speck in a world that existed before you and will tumble on once your soul departs your body.
While you are here, you are a business worth investing in. God was willing to buy you back. Of course he knows your shortcomings, duh, big deal. But he looked into your eyes, saw deep into your heart and also said this, "This one. This one right here. I can work with." Fear not, little rabbit, I am with you. Go tell the truth without fear because God has already told us the most fascinating truth - we are investable. We are an asset in the Kingdom of God.
"For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect." 1 Peter 1:18-19
