Coming clean deepens relationships

Step 5: We admitted to God, to oneself, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

There is a lot that gets in the way of our ability to admit things to God, to ourselves, or to other human beings. 

What will people think of me? Will I be accepted? Or, perhaps more commonly: Will I be rejected?

We’re hard-wired to care what other people think of us. It’s quite popular these days for the internet to tell us things like, “You’re not really ready for a relationship until you don’t care about being in one.” Or, “You know you’ve matured when you can do your own thing regardless of what other people think.”

In the words of the Brits…what a load of bollocks. 

Of course you care what other people think- it’s part of what makes you human. It’s what allows you to empathize. It’s the same mechanism that kicks in and says, “You might not want to do _____ because there will be relational consequences.” Caring what other people think keeps us on track. 

Let me clarify. Caring what other people think of us is not the same as people-pleasing. It’s not the same thing as suppressing your wants/desires/needs in order to prioritize someone else’s. It’s just a way of acknowledging we need other people in our lives and, generally speaking, we only get and keep relationships if we treat other people with respect. And, if we don’t have any awareness or concern about how we’re perceived by others then we’re unlikely to treat them with respect. Why? Because we’ll only be concerned with our own wants/needs/desires. That’s a good recipe for selfish living and that is a good recipe for an isolated life. 

For these reasons, I think it’s quite good to consider what other people think of us, how people experience us, and to even compare this to how we want other people to think of us and experience us. In this context though, it can be something that holds us back. 

It holds us back because of the intuitive way that wrongdoing gets resolved in relationships. We often think that we’re better off hiding it so we don’t have to deal with hard things. I suppose the thought is (we don’t usually give this much thought though, to be fair) that if we avoid hard things then our relationships are better off. Or, more realistically, we believe somewhere deep inside that hard things erode a relationship rather than build it up. 

But…is this really true? Think of the people you have a deep connection to. Is it because you have the same joys? Is it really because you both like cooking? Or is it because you share a struggle? 

Of course we don’t have to turn this into a black-and-white thing. But our shared struggles bind us together. Even in romantic relationships. Going through hardship can ultimately strengthen us (though this is not inevitably the case- it requires some effort). 

Even in our most intimate relationships- we think that doing something wrong is going to disqualify us, is going to cause problems, is going to tear us apart, is going to break trust. To be fair- those things can happen. But- if we hide what we’ve done wrong it’s a lot harder to bounce back. 

Owning what we’ve done is an invitation. It’s an invitation to share hurts and vulnerabilities. It’s an invitation to connect. It’s an invitation to collaborate on a path forward and to resolve the past. 

And- people tend to appreciate it. Of course “coming clean” about some things is easier than others. But if we come clean about things voluntarily we’re much more likely to be met with support than condemnation. This is what is so counterintuitive about relationships. When we do the things we’re afraid of we’re far better off than if we avoid them. 

Perhaps you can even think of a specific time when you took a risk in a relationship that you were afraid to take…and it really paid off. 

Believe it or not- this isn’t just about psychology and interpersonal relationships. It’s a spiritual truth. Consider the following:

5 This is the message that we have heard from him and announce to you: “God is light and there is no darkness in him at all.” 6 If we claim, “We have fellowship with him,” and live in the darkness, we are lying and do not act truthfully. 7 But if we live in the light in the same way as he is in the light, we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from every sin. 8 If we claim, “We don’t have any sin,” we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.9 But if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from everything we’ve done wrong.

~ 1 John 1:5-9, CEB

Notice what confession does. We tend to focus so heavily on this idea that it makes us right with God. Which it does, of course. But notice what else it does. It binds us together. 

We have fellowship with one another. This is a strong biblical theme. Being right with one another leads us to peace with God. Being right with God leads us to peace with one another. Our relationship to God and our relationships with humans are ultimately inseparable. 

We are often afraid that confession is going to break our relationships. And that it is going to bring the judgment of God. It actually does the opposite. It restores us, and it builds our relationships. 

So, what should we be afraid of?

Uh, well, ideally, from a spiritual perspective, I would say don’t be afraid of anything because it doesn’t bring out the best in us. But, if you are going to be afraid of something, be afraid of what hiding does. Hiding prevents intimacy. Hiding sustains animosity. Hiding undermines our ability to live as faithful people who reflect God’s love. 

Coming clean does the opposite. It is a modeling of God’s love. It invites deeper relationship. It may lead to some hardship and difficulty but, in the long run, hardship and difficulty shape us and form us into the people God wants us to be.