Defects of character don’t always hold us back
Step 6: We became willing to ask God to help us remove our defects of character.
This is the section of the 12 steps where I struggle. Defects of character are tricky. Have you ever noticed how, if you think something that you do is a legitimate defect of character it’s not really that hard to admit? There’s exceptions to this, of course. But, for instance, Brittany thinks I’m impatient because I sometimes put the dinner dishes in the dishwasher before everyone is done eating. I don’t think I’m impatient. I think I’m being efficient!
However, if you asked me if I’m messy then I would tell you the truth: I am messy.
The problem, for me, isn’t facing my defects of character or being willing to ask for help. It’s about figuring out which character traits are actually defects.
The biggest defects of character we have are (likely) problems because they cause relational problems. For instance, sarcasm can lead to some really good comedy. Sarcasm can also hurt people’s feelings. Sarcasm is only a problem when it’s personal and relational.
The same thing is true even when we talk about substance use. A lot of people in recovery have high levels of grit and determination and ingenuity. During active substance use, those traits probably caused some problems as they helped prolong use (and likely led to relational problems). As a sober person- they might be keeping you clean!
Do you see what I’m getting at?
Defects of character are hard to identify. In one context, the behavior might hold us back. In another it might serve us well. So how do we know whether or not to ask God to remove that thing?
I don’t have a great answer to that but I don’t want to leave you with nothing. I’ll suggest this: we have to both trust our intuition and trust that if we’re hearing the same thing about ourselves from multiple people we trust then it might be worth listening to. In theory, the lead up to step 6 is resolving this problem anyway.
Okay so that’s one personal struggle I have with understanding and implementing step 6. Maybe I’m crazy. I’ll give you a few more thoughts for free while I have you here.
Here’s some stuff I really like:
It’s about becoming willing to ask, not about asking. I like the fact that this is a process broken down into precise steps. It might be hard to jump straight to asking, it’s nice to build in some prep time.
It’s not about asking to have character defects removed, but willing to ask for help in the removal. Character defects don’t always go away…does that mean God hasn’t heard the prayer? No- we’re asking God for help in the removal of the defects. God might decide not to give that help. Or he might decide to only offer a little bit of help. Or he might help a lot. Who’s to say? We’re not asking for an outcome- we’re asking for help, relying on God to decide the outcome.
Speaking of- Paul himself (ever heard of him?) prayed just such a prayer. God answered, “no.”
…If I did want to brag, I wouldn’t make a fool of myself because I’d tell the truth. I’m holding back from bragging so that no one will give me any more credit than what anyone sees or hears about me. 7 I was given a thorn in my body because of the outstanding revelations I’ve received so that I wouldn’t be conceited. It’s a messenger from Satan sent to torment me so that I wouldn’t be conceited.
8 I pleaded with the Lord three times for it to leave me alone. 9 He said to me, “My grace is enough for you, because power is made perfect in weakness.” So I’ll gladly spend my time bragging about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power can rest on me. 10 Therefore, I’m all right with weaknesses, insults, disasters, harassments, and stressful situations for the sake of Christ, because when I’m weak, then I’m strong.
~ 2 Corinthians 12:6-10, CEB
Defects may come or go, as God pleases. Can he remove them? Yes of course. Will he? I don’t know- at least not in the short run.
The passage suggests that there can be a purpose to having them. This is not always the case, but it’s possible. That purpose would look something like this: it’s easier to attribute things to God if they come from really unexpected places. Paul’s rationale (like it or leave it) goes like this: If a great human does something great…it’s pretty believable that the person did that thing. We expect greatness. If something great comes from someone objectively weak…we have to ask the question…what’s going on here? For Paul, this pushes us to recognize God at work. Paul is “strong” when he is “weak” because he is more clearly pointing others to God rather than himself.
And so defects of character may serve a purpose. Perhaps there’s a parallel here. Perhaps our weaknesses invite God to be at work and allow him to be seen and recognized for the God he is.
On the other hand- defects of character might be causing harm. That’s for you to decide. But this is what I would use as my “barometer”- so to speak. If our defects of character are making life hard and are holding us back in some way, it could be that we’re waiting to see what purpose they serve. If they are causing harm, well, I don’t know about you but that’s when I’m going to ask for some help.
