What should Christians think about shame?
A friend of mine told me a story recently that sparked my curiosity about shame from a Christian perspective. When recounting a misdeed on the part of her spouse (this was a repeat offense), my friend's mother said, "Have you tried shame?" This comes from a deeply rooted religious perspective that says something like this, "If you love God, you SHOULD feel ashamed of how you behave. After all - didn't poor Jesus die for your sins? STOP SINNING!"
Shame is an "intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging and connection" according to Brene Brown in her book, Atlas of the Heart (p.137). Most of us know this feeling, and boy is it uncomfortable. I wonder where you feel shame? For me it feels as if my body is hot with it; my stomach tightens because of it; my head bows; my heart sinks deeper into my chest cavity. My body is well-attenuated to feelings of shame. I've had a lot of practice.
Let me be clear: shame is unhelpful. It thrives in isolation and discourages us from the pursuit of belonging. It is as Brene Brown says, "an egocentric, self-involved emotion." Shame focuses more on how others are judging us than it does with concerning itself with how our actions are impacting others. Maybe you'd agree with me that shame is not nearly as useful as guilt - which allows us to feel, acknowledge and make amends for our wrongdoing. But what's your take on people who we experience as "shameless"?
What about the narcissistic, arrogant, grandiose-thinkers of the world? Is their apparent lack of shame some sort of indicator that we should not discard shame altogether? I mean, what would happen if we eradicate shame altogether? Does shame somehow provide some sort of invisible barrier to bad behaving? Again, I turn to Brown. Her research indicates that shame is the actual CAUSE of shameless-looking behaviors. She believes that narcissism is best defined as "the shame-based fear of being ordinary" (p.140). Hear that again: narcissism is "the shame-based fear of being ordinary". Whether someone is looking and talking like they are filled to the brim with shame or giving off an air of overinflated ego, no one needs more shame.
Setting all the research aside, I return to the scriptures for further guidance. In particular, I look to Psalm 51, The Message Translation. This is where I find my way to a deeper clarity about God and my inadequacies.
"Generous in love—God, give grace! Huge in mercy—wipe out my bad record. Scrub away my guilt, soak out my sins in your laundry. I know how bad I’ve been; my sins are staring me down." Psalm 51:1-3 The Message
In these early verses I find comforting assurance that the writer of this psalm understands wrongdoing without requiring a side-order of shame. He is other-focused, attending to God and his attributes as much as his own wrongdoing. The writer admits that he is suffering as a result of his own inadequacy. As the psalm progresses, it becomes obvious that this human is having an experience with a God he knows will judge him fairly. He trusts that God is who he says he is and because of that...there is hope that he can come back from this sin and build a new life. If you grab your bible and read the whole psalm it sets the tone that I believe captures the heart of what it means to wrestle with our faith and our frailty simultaneously.
If my friend's mom wants to be helpful during this crisis, shame is not the way to accomplish it. Instead of shame, we could try talking to someone about our feelings. Maybe guilt is more appropriate and a proper amends needs to be made. Perhaps shame is what we're feeling and we need an antidote - building resilience, practicing belonging, avoiding isolation and secrecy. Shame needs tending to more than we need shame to whip us into shape. I hope today provides you whatever you need to know that you are an inadequate (nothing depends entirely on you to fix it) and beloved human.
